Mistaken Identity

Ok. Get this straight, here and now. I am, a true-blue Asian in every sense of the word. There is no African blood in me whatsoever. Not Nigeria. Not Ghana. Not Somalia. Not even South Africa (where the Malays are supposed to band together happily). I am very much, according to my Identity Card - MALAY. Whether I feel I am one or not does not matter. The state recognizes me as Malay. I enjoy the "perks" of being Malay (eg. school fees no have...can be part of Mendaki...BIG privilege, ok? don't play play)...Whatever lah..bottom line is...just because you can't figure out my ethnic background, don't assume that I must be alien to the country. I am Singaporean. I am Asian. I am Malay.

In case you're wondering why I suddenly went a little ballistic, I had a weirdo experience. Some dude tried to chat me up using my rather confused features as a starting point to the "conversation". Now, there are a few things that were wrong with the situation. Let me explain.

1. I am sick and tired of trying to explain my mixed up background. Especially when it comes to total strangers whom I have absolutely no interest in talking to whatsoever.
2. I was marking. I was doing work. It's not often that I do work. So when I'm doing it, that means that I'm both desperate as well as extraordinarily hardworking for the day. Now, that day doesn't come often so I got to SEIZE EVERY MOMENT! Thanks to your brainless chatter, I lost those precious moments. (Digress...Do you have any idea how friggin expensive those precious moments stuff are????)
3. I am anti-social. I am, to a certain extent, androphobic. I do not talk to male strangers. I do not like them very much. Hell, I don't even like those I know much, what more stranger folks trying to make conversation at a bus stop.
4. Never ask a girl for her age.
5. If you're dumb enough to have overlooked Point No. 4, don't push the girl for it if she's obviously hesitant. When a girl says something like, "I'm really old," when in fact she sure as hell doesn't look it (though she might feel it), she's either a Dr Woffles Wu's number 2 patient (after Dick Lee) or she's telling you to shut up and back off. I can assure you that the closest thing to a Woffles I know would be waffles, and I don't like them much.
5. I only smile and speak to FEMALES and known folks like colleagues, friends etc. The most I would say to a friggin non-female would be sorry, coz perhaps I poked his fats with my stuff as I scramble up buses.

Actually, there were several other things that bugged me but I'm just too lazy to type them all out.

Funny enough, as I'm writing this, another thought has entered my brain (yes, I do have one.) - that whole I am a Malay thing. Hmm...the identity...I realize something...as much as I say that I am Malay, others seem to think otherwise. My Malay side of the family thinks I'm not Malay enough...they actually giggle when they realize I listen to Indonesian bands (I have no idea what the humour's about either)...My ML teacher friends insist that I'm not Malay enough either because I'm not as conversant in the language and as much as I enjoy some Malay songs, I kinda draw the line when it comes to those Search and Iklim stuff...I'm so sorry but guys in leather tights will probably never appeal to me. In the same breath, my not-so-Malay but actually Malay-in-denial friends think that I'm too Malay because I don't do the whole club circuit thing...others, who pride themselves on their mixed blood status thinks that I'm not "mixed" enough because I actually accept my "Malay-ness"...

Frig. Who are you to say whether I am enough Malay or not enough Malay. Honestly, what does being Malay mean to you? It really depends on which extreme of the Malay world you're part of. Should you be part of the Malay-Muslim contingent..not wearing the tudung marks you as a "kom-pem" un-Malay. You're looked upon like some kinda pariah by some folks (not all, mind you) and your identity as a Malay-Muslim is questioned. If you belong to the other extreme, not relaking-one-korner at some hip, new club and smoking sheesha marks you as being "conservative" and you're most definitely booted out of the Minah gang. Then you find yourself kinda stuck. Which is how I feel most of the time. Me, not looking particularly Malay at all times, kinda makes things worse.

Honestly, so what if I'm Malay or I'm not? Am I not human? Don't I laugh, smile, cry pretty much like every other human being? I feel just as others feel. I think. I speak. I listen. I am just an ordinary person living my own ordinary life pretty much the way you are. Living in multi-multi Singapore makes it easy AND difficult to be different. The easy bit is that society kinda recognizes the existence of different groups etc. The difficult bit comes about when you don't quite fit into any of the "established" groups. What then?

I would love to say, it doesn't matter. Race doesn't matter. In fact, 5 years back, I would have proclaimed it quite proudly. However, the truth is, it does. Having an identity matters whether we want to or not because identity isn't just about who we want to be but part of it is also about whether others are willing to accept us. Egotistically speaking, it's easy to say so what? I don't need to care about people who care not about me. However, no man is an island. We are all part of one group or another, intentionally or unintentionally.

I've thus come to realize - who you are matters. How others perceive you, matters. How you perceive others, matters. But above all us, it's how you perceive yourself above and beyond others' perceptions that matters most. For as long as you know who you are and where you stand, it doesn't quite matter if others see you as part of them or not because if you know exactly who you are, it will just be a matter of time before your identity is clear to one and all. Henceforth, you'd probably be accepted as the individual that you are with all your eccentricities and interestingly enough, identities will just evolve - yours and others such that you might probably become part of those whom you may have perceived as being different from yourself and vice versa.

Hmmm...I was rambling now, wasn't I? Honestly, if I were to re-read what I wrote, I probably won't understand what I'm trying to say either.

Oh well.