aches and pains

It's that time of the month again. Me thinks.

I guess PMS is pretty real. It makes you more emotional than ever so it's best to just lay low during this period and minimize contact etc with others because given the crazedness of the emotional crap, it can really get to you...

Anyhow, it just doesn't help when things come crashing at the same time. I think I'm taking things rather badly. For the worse partly due to emotional crap. That's what I like to think anyway coz I don't like to think that I'm this pathetic.

It's just been really sad.

I don't know who to turn to anymore. I just don't know. I feel lost and alone. Like, who's got my back? I have no idea.

I miss my friends. I miss school. As in, student school. I just hate this growing up thing. It's very painful.

I feel as though I'm going through a second round of teenage angst. Just that this time, I'm not rebelling or whatever. I'm just really, really sad. I feel as though someone's trying to choke me. And that no one understands. And I'm breaking down yet again and things are just getting worse.

I mean, there's work. Which is always a pain but has taken on an even more incredulous turn lately. It's such a burden to bear. Such a burden. I'm tired of it. So, very tired and yet what's there to say? Everyone's going through crap as well. Unfortunate, eh?

Which brings me to colleagues. I've got good ones. Really, I do. But everyone's going through their own insane moments and yeah, ultimately, you're on your own. Funny, the only people who can understand your work problems will be your colleagues. Yet, because they're also going through shit, there's not much support there either because they too need to look for sources of strengths.

Which brings me to students. In a funny way, they do give me strength. It's funny but even when I'm distressed, things change when I step into the classroom. I can start off being bitchy but by the end of the lesson (provided they're not being idiots), I feel a heck of a lot better. That's when I realize how much I need them. Thank You for those moments. You really seem to know when I need one.

It's a temporary relief but it is something I am thankful for.

However, being temporary, things can get to you all over again soon enough.

So, besides work, there's the whole personal life issue. I am egoistic. So, even when shit happens, I don't quite share it around but oh well, let's just let parts of it out...you know, broken hearts? Well, yeah...there's that. It's not that bad lah...I mean, I've seen others trying to kill themselves following broken hearts but nah...not to that extent. Partly due to the fact that the feeling wasn't that intense (that's a BIG BONUS POINT to aloofness. Thank you very much.) but it still hurts, damn it. And keeping it to yourself makes it feel safer yet even more trapped. Do you understand? I feel so suffocated yet I can't bear to talk about it. What can you say anyway? Boo hoo...I got my heart broken?? That's just crap. So there...

So that's that. Now and then, the family decides to get into the swing of things. It's a conspiracy, I tell you. And that one hurts the most and it's something I know I'm also guilty of inflicting. There's just a great deal of hurt all around but it has always been lurking beneath the surface. So, when something happens, the pain is more than it should be because it's a reflection of the pain which is buried. And this pain is quite unbearable. It hurts so much that it's crazy. I know it's naive, but I truly believed that things changed once we moved. I don't know...hencforth, I just miss home so much. I just miss it. I dunno...I just have not moved on enough...that's really just my fault now, isn't it?

Now, I just want to meet my friends and just have a crappy time. I'm hoping it'll be nice and crappy but then again, shit happens so I don't dare hope for too much. I just hope to slack off with them. And just get to be me again. Minus everything else.

Thank you for listening.

there and back again

title seems apt at this moment.

it's been what...three months? and yes, loads have happened. i have been travelling quite a bit in the last couple of months.

i don't know whether i mentioned this but i went to s. korea and tioman in june. evidently, tioman was a heck of a lot more fun. i actually snorkelled! hehehhe... beautiful experience really. i am quite honestly hooked.

and between then and now, things kinda swing ard, up and down. though i have to admit that the second half of the year has been a lot better than the first half.

hmmm...what other milestones have there been? let me think...let's see how...

july's about nothing much...august was the national day hols which means that it's really no big deal...was supposed to go to KL that hols but that didn't quite go as planned though there was a "hikmah" behind that so i'm not going into that.

september...oh yah...erm, my guitaring's improving...but not by a lot...just little by little lah...

and of course, i just got back from bangkok...hahhaha...soooo fun...i think i want to go again..perhaps in december??? must try to convince those other buggers...i think travelling's made me more adventurous and seriously, i want to explore even more...go further...learn as much as i can about things around me...about what is going on...my heart's in it...definitely.

i think a change is in the air. in my blood.

a change is coming.

are you ready for it?

coz i'm not.

:OP