bosses

My Big Boss is a dumb show-off.
My Not-So-Big Boss is a tai-chi master show-off.
My Not-Big-But-Act-Big Boss is a pain in the butt.
My Wanna-be-Boss colleague is a bootlicking sneak.

crestfallen

It's funny how something that has long passed me by can still make me cry...

I mean, it's over, right? Over and done with. There is nothing I can do to change the past. Nothing at all. Time wasn't meant to be turned back. I'm not Hermione and this is definitely no Wizarding World. I know this. (Duh.)

Yet, why am I still affected by it? Why is it so difficult to shake off this feeling of helplessness?

I'm just sad...Just sad.

I love my kiddos. With all my heart. Everything I have ever done, I have tried to do it for their benefit. Even when the choice I make is harsh, I do so with the best of intentions. I do so because I care. Sometimes, the decisions I make leave me with this guilty shadow that follows me around until I realize that I cannot presume to think that I know best because I don't. Allah knows best. Whatever I do, my actions mean nothing to students without Allah's will. And if He has willed it to be so, there has to be a silver lining to it all.

Anyway, my point is that, I love my kiddos. They make me smile and cringe and cry but at least they keep me from turning into a piece of unfeeling stone. They make me fall in and out of love all the time and somehow or other, that manages to keep me human.

Yet...all these don't seem to matter. What matters would be how much have I trumpeted to the world today? Is the worldwide web aware of my contributions? They have to be. Or, every single thing just does not matter.

Dear H,

I trusted you. I trusted you.

I bared my insecurities and admitted to my errors with the understanding that you empathized with what I was going through. That you could see how I had to struggle. That you were aware that in spite of all the crap, I loved my kiddos. I thought you knew that. In fact, you did, didn't you?

Then, how could you have done what you did to me? How could you have hurt me the way you did? I trusted you.

The thing is...the one you had held up to the skies...the one you were so proud of...that one...THAT VERY ONE...Once you left, gave an impression of YOU being the confused and inefficient one. The one you care so much about...turned his back on you. The one you chose to believe over the one who was struggling to just be herself.

In spite of it all, I don't blame you. You had your reasons and I was definitely no angel. If anything, I think I've learnt a lesson here - Eff the system. Eff the whole effin' place. This has but strengthened my resolve to find a way out. To leave when I get the chance.

It's just sad though because I really love my kiddos.

I love them.

If only you could see that. But then again, you did and...

You did not care.

Sincerely,
Crestfallen

Dear Me...

Innercrap Loonie Loopywheedles. What in the world is going on in your head?

I thought you, of all people, should know better. You are behaving like an idiot. A genuine, one of a kind fool.

Stop smiling, for goodness sake. Wipe that loopy grin off your face and think about what you are doing. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? Apa yang kau buat ni? Crap, it's really time to grow up. You're 26 this year. You can't behave the way you are behaving anymore. You are not a child anymore. You're not even a teenager. You can't even call yourself a young adult when you're beyond the quarter century mark...

Crap...Stop being crappy.

even then, this loopy grin stays on my face...though my thoughts are still in a whirl in my head...what am I to do? I'd figure that out eventually but for now...i can't stop smiling...

A special note to Arseholes

My dear, pathetic little creatures, I almost feel sorry for you. You probably have no idea what you're getting yourself into. You thought I was going to sit back and be docile as I have been for the past two years. You thought I was going to submit myself to the rubbish of everything and soak up all the filthy shit that you throw up. You thought I was a pushover.

You thought wrong.

I have never really been forceful or aggressive the past couple of years because I never saw the need to be so. I have no desire to climb whatever ladder of success, yadda yadda yadda...I am only interested in my primary duty. I have made myself explicitly clear on that. And you, being the foolish, naive and misguided arsehole that you are, thought that I would then be an easy target. Especially since I don't seem to have anything that I wished to gain.

My dear darlings, I may not have anything to gain but that would mean that I also have nothing to lose. And that's your mistake. You have severely underestimated how much more empowered I am precisely because I have nothing to lose.

You have messed with the wrong person. Now for every trick you attempt to play on me, I will match it two times over. And we will play out this game till the very end. I am not into politics. And I'm not about to start just because of you. However, if you ever put me in a position of a stepping stone for yourself, you are going to find yourself in trouble. I will make sure you regret it. If you wish to climb your spastic ladder, go find some other route. Don't you dare use me. You will not find the results favourable.

This is just the beginning. It will end here if you end it here. However, if you insist on pursuing whatever it is that you want to pursue in such a despicable and underhanded manner, I think it's only fair that I warn you that you will be in for a little discomfort, to say the least.

The game's on.

Remember, you need to win this because I have nothing to lose.

Regards.

just wanted to drop by to say HI.