crestfallen

It's funny how something that has long passed me by can still make me cry...

I mean, it's over, right? Over and done with. There is nothing I can do to change the past. Nothing at all. Time wasn't meant to be turned back. I'm not Hermione and this is definitely no Wizarding World. I know this. (Duh.)

Yet, why am I still affected by it? Why is it so difficult to shake off this feeling of helplessness?

I'm just sad...Just sad.

I love my kiddos. With all my heart. Everything I have ever done, I have tried to do it for their benefit. Even when the choice I make is harsh, I do so with the best of intentions. I do so because I care. Sometimes, the decisions I make leave me with this guilty shadow that follows me around until I realize that I cannot presume to think that I know best because I don't. Allah knows best. Whatever I do, my actions mean nothing to students without Allah's will. And if He has willed it to be so, there has to be a silver lining to it all.

Anyway, my point is that, I love my kiddos. They make me smile and cringe and cry but at least they keep me from turning into a piece of unfeeling stone. They make me fall in and out of love all the time and somehow or other, that manages to keep me human.

Yet...all these don't seem to matter. What matters would be how much have I trumpeted to the world today? Is the worldwide web aware of my contributions? They have to be. Or, every single thing just does not matter.

Dear H,

I trusted you. I trusted you.

I bared my insecurities and admitted to my errors with the understanding that you empathized with what I was going through. That you could see how I had to struggle. That you were aware that in spite of all the crap, I loved my kiddos. I thought you knew that. In fact, you did, didn't you?

Then, how could you have done what you did to me? How could you have hurt me the way you did? I trusted you.

The thing is...the one you had held up to the skies...the one you were so proud of...that one...THAT VERY ONE...Once you left, gave an impression of YOU being the confused and inefficient one. The one you care so much about...turned his back on you. The one you chose to believe over the one who was struggling to just be herself.

In spite of it all, I don't blame you. You had your reasons and I was definitely no angel. If anything, I think I've learnt a lesson here - Eff the system. Eff the whole effin' place. This has but strengthened my resolve to find a way out. To leave when I get the chance.

It's just sad though because I really love my kiddos.

I love them.

If only you could see that. But then again, you did and...

You did not care.

Sincerely,
Crestfallen