crushed

It's been about 4 years since I realized that I got myself a crush on him. It's sooooo stooopid.

***

This is the problem with hols. You kinda have too much time on your hands and your brain starts to think about stoooopid things. I really need to get it out of my system. I hate crushes. It's not a comfortable feeling.

***

I never really had r/s problems because I never got myself involved in any. My kiddos (and some friends) think I'm kidding but seriously, never happened. I'm kinda glad about it though so erm, no worries there but there's this bit that no one can really run away from and that's the whole thing known as developing feelings. Simply put - crushes. Crushes are kinda borne out of emotions which means that you don't quite have control over them. I mean, you can always choose to pursue something but you don't quite choose the people you have feelings for. You know what I mean? You just do and most times, it doesn't quite make sense? So well, yeah...I've had crushes and I never enjoyed them. It's just an icky feeling.

Let's just reminisce for a while -

Hmmm...to make things less complex, all celebrities, cute strange boys you don't really know etc will not be discussed here.

Ok...let me see now...when I was in Sec One, there used to be this kid who would give his little sis a ride on his bike every morning and I always thought that it was hyper-sweet of him. Hence, somewhere along the way, I found myself looking forward to seeing him on that bike of his and hmmm, guess that was a crush of sorts. I know his name but I never spoke to the guy. But that's just me...Anyway, it kinda flew by...the crush I mean. Oh yeah, he was kinda cute in his own way. And WAS, is a key word to use in this case. (Hmmm...did I like coz he was cute or was he cute because I liked him? Hmmm....)

Somewhere along the way, got the more nonsense ones (meaning, random cute guys here and there) till Kaarat. Kaarat was the guy I knew during the PAE period (the "trial" period at a pre-uni institution). He was incredibly nice, kinda shy and had a certain resoluteness that I respected. One of the more painful things that occurred during the time was knowing he liked someone else and being the pal that I was (macam real), I helped him. Not that it worked coz the girl was so not interested but still, it hurt. I never told him coz I didn't want it to hurt the friendship and you know, it was a really good thing I didn't coz he changed as time went on and the Kaarat I knew kinda got lost. I still miss my PAE Kaarat but I guess people's gotta change eh?

Kaarat thing wasn't too bad lah...got over it pretty quickly since Kaarat became a jerk quite speedily soooo...that brings us to Teddie. I don't think I can forget how assholic I was to Teddie. He was in a couple of my classes and during the "introduction" thing that the tutor was facilitating, I remember asking Teddie which school he had previously gone to and went on to proclaim loudly, clearly and condescendingly that all guys from his school were top-of-the-line jerks. He was taken aback lah and erm, I had to eat my words because he turned out to be a real sweetheart. A doofus but a sweetheart of a doofus.

Now, the crush on Teddie wasn't one of those lup-at-first-sight (DUH). In fact, I had to befriend him mainly coz another pal had a crush on him. With rolling eyes, I promised to do so since I shared several classes with him. Anyhow, throughout the two years, he kinda got hooked up with some girl so my friend got broken hearted but funnily enough, we remained friends. It was after school was over that I realized that I liked the guy. We did go out a couple of times but I never told him how I felt. I couldn't lah. So, he went off to study overseas. We still kept in contact and in a way, we still do but honestly, I came to see that perhaps, as I grew up, I became more certain about what it is that I wish for in a guy and as sweetheart-ish as he was, he's not for me. So yeah...

And that brings us to Exhaust Pipe or EP for short. It has been 4 years already. Honestly, EP isn't cute. He's got a sense of humour that only he understands and appreciates. He's kinda rude and can potentially be such a friggin' jerk when he speaks before he thinks (which is almost all the time). He's not a SNAG (far, faaaarrrr from it). There's really not much to recommend him except that he's got a very kind heart and he would truly go out of his way for a friend. That is something I've witnessed on countless occasions and that kinda drew me to him. But the thing about him that made me develop such icky feelings would probably because we're alike in many ways. Not in terms of interests or whatever but rather in the way we choose to mask our feelings behind indifference in my case or rudeness in his. The thing is, we click which isn't really easy to find coz most times, I'm not particularly comfortable with guys coz hmmm...I don't know...I'm just not. He's the exception.

Crap lah...I really need to get over it. I'm sick and tired of feeling how I feel.

Aarggh...it's okay...it's alright...it will pass. Gosh, EP, please, go get married or something...that would definitely help.

Heck.

I'm waayyy too old to entertain crushes.

I'd rather be crushed than to continue feeling a sense of hope which is undoubtedly, futile. Just crush me and get on with it.