detached mode

weird thoughts. ewwww...seriously...ewwww. can't type it out. it's just too ewwww.

anyway, my table's been "nominated" as a finalist in a beauty contest for tables. and i'm supposed to market it. uhuh. eeyup. can't i just let the thing speak for itself? like seriously, pictures paint thousands of words so...let them speak!!! anyhow, i'd take snapshots of my own cozy corner and you can judge for yourself if it's worthy of being a beauty queen. yech.

i'm kinda tired today. quite a bit of travelling to do today. here, there and everywhere it would seem. anyhow, i made folks happy. it was chocy day!!! and i was given chocies too thanks to mr super duper nice dude. seriously, he's the nicest guy i know and erm, i'm one of the meanest people to them, erm, non-fairer sex so when i say he's nice, i mean it. sometimes, i think he gets pushed around and you kinda want to throttle him for allowing himself to be used as such but because he's so bloody nice, you can't bring yourself to do it. in fact, when i first joined the place, i used to tease the folks around me relentlessly. he was one of those i teased. but after a while, i couldn't bear being so un-nice to him. i still tease him but not as mercilessly as before. he's just that nice.

actually, since i'm talking about work...i might as well blabber on about the this-and-thats of my working world. i've got great colleagues. seriously. i mean, there're always those occasional arseholes and beetches but i've managed to find pretty good friends in a number of my colleagues. i'm rather chameleon-ish. i can get along with most folks and my interests can be a little, diversified. so, in a funny way, i manage to find a way of connecting to different people in different ways and somehow or other, we become pretty fast friends. i'm not saying that they're the bestest friends in the world but having folks to talk to about mindless things just makes things a heck of a lot nicer at work.

i will miss this place when i go. i definitely will. i have found friends here but, i'd always be able to make new ones. it's a bit of a torture lah to do so all over again but c'est la vie. i'll survive.

oh...i don't believe in best friends. just so u know. i believe in good friends but not best buds. there just ain't no such thing in my book. perhaps, it's part of the detachment that makes me me.

u know how people turn to different things to "survive"? well, one of the means in which i do so is to detach myself from the people i care about, especially when times are particularly rough. i don't quite know how to explain it. i just find myself alone. as in, i find solace in being alone. it's one of those things i hold very dear. i don't do the exchange of emotions thing. i mean, sometimes, i find myself lying straight-faced and all. folks will ask, how things were going or trying to give some kind of comfort in times of shitness but erm...most times, i lie about how i'm doing. i just whackify things. and sometimes, people get the impression that i'm quite a goondu (fool) or worse, a bimbo but i don't give crap about what they think. but, i guess it can get a little misleading and at times, i want to kick myself for not being honest but it has become a freakin' reflex action to basically lie, or to put it in more politically correct terms, hide the truth. i suck at handling emotions lah...especially my own. it's such a pain. and i creep out when i hear things like "getting in touch with your emotions". it just CREEPS THE CREEPIES out of me.

funny. i'm being emo, aren't i? real funny for the detached.

thanks

there are currently two things that i look forward to each week (and i am NOT talking about American Idol. don't even mention The Dance Floor.) i feel happy and lightened at the end of each session and it keeps me very much engaged. oh, before i proceed further, i'd just explain what these two things happen to be - counselling course and guitar lessons.

you see, i'm down for a counselling course once a week (make that a week nite) for the next 2 - 3 months. basically, i'm learning the practical aspects of counselling so there's no heavy duty psycho stuff. it's all pretty light and most importantly, it is PRACTICAL. a lot of things make sense and i'm becoming increasingly self-aware. in a way, i'm practically counselling myself at the end of each session as i go back and reflect on the things that were discussed in class. the 2 hr plus plus sessions always manage to whizz by even when i'm actually feeling incredibly tired.

as for the guitar sessions, i'm beginning to not be so pathetic at it although i believe that certain chords should just disappear and never ever come back to haunt me. i don't get those painful calluses anymore and erm, i'm actually learning SONGS. hehehe...oh yeah, and of course, my instructor's pretty nice and sometimes, we wind up bitching about our work in the midst of the guitar thing so it's really a stress-reliever of sorts.

which brings me to something that i might have not quite noticed as clearly before this - i love learning. i'm a natural student and i enjoy absorbing information and the reflection and practice that come with it. it's just a very therapeutic and enriching experience to be able to learn...understand...and basically, master something new. i love it. and it helps that i enjoy both guitar as well as counselling.

which brings me to the next thing that i've recently become more aware of - i enjoy counselling. i honestly enjoy learning about how to help others and i look forward to the opportunity to apply what i've learnt. the more i learn about counselling, the more i feel that i should possibly go further into that area. given that this is a basic course, there's no diploma or degree or whatever but it has given me some ideas on things that i wish to pursue should i go back to my books. in fact, i think i would really like to take up a diploma in counselling and from there pursue a degree and eventually a masters'. okok...the last two bits are kinda tall orders especially since i have a penchant for changing my mind. however, i'm pretty serious about taking up at least a diploma course.

so yeah...i'm rather contented at the moment and in spite of the crazy schedules and unending flow of work that drifts happily to my desk, i can honestly say that i'm happy. this is a far cry from last year and i am thankful for that. i am well aware that things can take a turn for craziness at any time but for now, i'm just grateful for the opportunity to not just breathe, but to enjoy myself.

alhamdulillah.

silly fool

can't believe that i'm a fool again...

i can be so foolish at times. in fact, i'm so incredibly foolish most times. the idiotic part of it all is that even as i'm in the act of being foolish, i am actually aware of it and thus that makes me twice as foolish!

aarrgghh.

on another note, i had an interesting day. molten chocolate cake...yummmmmm....

masked

fear. what is your greatest fear? what is mine?

***
again, the mask appears. it has to.

grit

new pick new pick... hehehe...

got two new oinkies to replace lost ones...

***
so far so good...things look alright...kiddos are ok and erm, things are alright...heart's a little lighter and erm, i've got oodles to think about...so, yeah...

this year's going to be one of many changes. last year had been one of those uncomfortable settling down periods you know? when you don't quite fit in anywhere and things seem to be shifting here and there preparing for a change that has not come and so, being stuck in such a situation makes things rather crappy. this year, there will be change. certain things have already happened and i welcome them, grateful for the change. i have no doubt that there will be incredible challenges in the future months but i'm determined to hang on and i will. i will survive. in fact, i've got something to prove. last year, i was a disappointment. it was like the year when i effed up. this time, i'm hitting back. i'm going to prove me to me and then, i will leave. with a bang.

if you've ever doubted me in anyway or thought lightly of what or who i am, think again because i'm hitting back. this is the me you don't normally see but then again, this is the reason why i have always survived. because, when i've hit rock bottom, the only way i know how to go is to blast myself right up. i am going to make things right. i have to. i need to. i have to prove it to me. i refuse to be a disappointment.

you won't even know what hit you.

Tongue-tied.

07012007

i'm pretty blessed now, aren't i?

well, i've been witnessing or hearing about accidents here and there. oh well...anyway, got into a little one of my own. just a little one. so i've got bumps and bruises all over but seriously, i think i got off pretty well. let's count my blessings:

1. i was wearing long pants (duh) so the knee could have been worse.
2. long sleeves so again, the elbow and shoulder stuff could have been worse.
3. almost wore specs which i ditched at the last minute which again meant that i could have snapped it and cut my face or something. the vainpot in me would never have forgiven me for that.
4. the bump on the head was so high up that it's hidden behind my fringe which thankfully exists such that again, the vainpot in me has nothing to complain about.
5. i got an mc. :O)
6. when i went to get a replacement pair for my ripped pants, i actually managed to get the last pair which was thankfully in my size. incredible, eh? and at half price at that.
7. went to clinic to see fren's supposed cute doctor who wasn't in but what dya know? the other doc was cute too. :OP

i got several more blessings but hey...i'd stop here. so, have a great day!

cannot lah...

gee. my first stir of the year.

went for a wedding earlier. saw many familiar faces. frens from secondary. from jc. from uni. from long-ago but never forgotten trips. from wherever else i can't quite recall.

people have changed quite incredibly. it's nice to see them. at least, most of them.

which brings us to him. he's not an ex-boyfriend or anything of that sort. he's a friend. someone whom i might have referred to in a prev post or something. i don't know why ok...but aiyah...simply put, i like him. but i also know that it isn't healthy to keep such thoughts so i kinda shove them away. and it kinda works.

however, seeing him there, with you in the flesh makes it incredibly hard. furthermore, it did not help that people kept commenting we looked like a couple (like hell we did) and a friend obviously trying to "stir" things up. it did not help that we hung out after the wedding and there being 4 folks and 2 cars, i wound up taking his. it did not help that he sent me home. it just didn't help and thus, this always happens. this is a feeling of confusion, heart playing the drums, uneasiness and a sense of wistfulness. macam, this is so effin' unreal. it's a very uncertain kinda feeling and frankly dudes, it's not something i enjoy.

i need to get it out of my system. seriously. u got a plan?

2007

so, it's the start of the new work year.

deep breaths...here we go...