coming full circle

Sometimes, you kinda get to a certain stage when you have to ask yourself, what is it do you really, really want to do for the rest of your life? The answers are never simple and you find yourself searching and questioning and searching again. Different people give you different answers. Some people give you answers that seem to take you closer to what you're seeking but others just give you a headache. Funny enough, the answers that give you headaches might turn out to be the ones closer to what you're looking for.

I'm rambling. Oops.

I'm on this personal quest of sorts to find me. I have the liberty to choose what I want out of life but I don't seem to fully appreciate this liberty I enjoy. Some would have killed for what I have...Crappie, dear...what do you want?

What do I want? What is it that I want out of this short span of time I have on earth? Is it really about just making it through each day? Just trudging along as the waves pick you up and carry you here and there? When will it stop? Am I happy to bop along? Is it worth all the whiles in the world?

What do I want?

This is stupid but I am inspired by people like the those in Freedom Writers and Dangerous Minds and the like. I'm amazed to see how they inspire others. I know I am capable of doing something similar but what is it that is holding me back? Aptitude or Attitude? I think I'm not good enough. Hence, I wind up not being good enough. Second rate. That's how I've always felt and for that, that's all I can ever be. I never minded it before. I never cared about it before. However, I seem to think that there is something severely amiss.

Before I lay my choices before me...for once, let me just come clean.

I am an educator. I love my kids incredulously. At least, most of them. However, I have spasms of pemalasness that kinda put quite a damper on things, I must say. My bond is about to come to an end. I will be promoted soon enough coz that's just how things work, not because I'm fantastic or anything of that sort. My job gives me a great deal of satisfaction but it also gives me a great deal of heartache and yeah...headaches. To say that I'm happy would be a lie. To say that I'm not will also be a lie. Let's just say that I'm kinda stuck in between. My colleagues are fantastic, at least most of them are. So yeah, when you really type it all out, I seem to have had it made. I graduated. I got a job. And my job's not that sucky. I mean, nothing's perfect, right? If there's anything missing, it's probably in my non-working life...

Family wise, I'm the youngest in the family and the only one staying with my parents coz both my siblings are married with children of their own. And yes, I am single. I have no idea whether it's 'single and carefree' or 'single and searching' coz I seem to waver between the two. I have great friends, most of whom I've kept for at least 3 years. Actually, it ranges between 3 - 20 years. So I reckon that friends-wise, I've been pretty blessed. Actually, family-wise, it's kinda ok too. I mean, we've all got our problems here and there but overall, I guess, my life's okay. Which thus boggles me even more...what is it that I want? I have almost everything before me so why am I being such a friggin' ingrate?

So, here I am. At yet another weird crossroad. The roads before me fork out in every direction. Which one do I take?

1. Quit the job and do the wedding thing I like doing. Seriously, I'm pretty good at it too. The drawback would be the instability of the market and in light of the fact that I kinda need a relatively stable job, this might get in the way of things.

2. Move on to counselling. Again, I'm pretty good at it, sorta. But honestly, do I really want to do this for the rest of my life? Can I imagine myself speaking to person after person about their troubles and live like that? Or is it just another one of my dreams that I escape to when my own current job overwhelms me? Am I really cut out to be a counsellor?

3. Study. Take up a course on counselling or academic studies. The thing about the academic stuff that freaks me out is that I'm bloody lazy and scared. Will I be able to pull myself out of my own shell and truly explore things?

4. Get married and settle down. Another way of saying that would be get married and settle. Settle for a life that's there. I mean, seriously, that feels safest and probably would have been the first path I take had I been given the chance earlier for the simple reason that it gives me the security that I think I need. Perhaps, that's why I'm still single. I'm being forced to not just settle but to really think about what I want to do before I settle. On the other hand, the idea of marriage still freaks the hell out of me.

Somehow or other, other things will be thrown before me. What will I do?

It is quite clear to me that there is one thing that I wish not to give up - teach. I want to teach. But more than just the syllabus, I want to teach people to love and care. I want to love and care about people. This is very Ms Universe/World but seriously, I'm not kidding. But, it still doesn't help me. I mean, to want to teach is one thing. But what is it do I really want to teach? How do I wish to teach? Who do I wish to teach? Why do I wish to teach? Before the want, I need to answer these other questions.

Gee...hitting oneself on the forehead is a stupid idea. THAT is crystal clear to me.