get rea!

"It's not time to make a change, just relax, take it easy..."

I forgot how much I liked that song till recently. In fact, it's only recently that I paid attention to the lyrics of the song and thus came to fully appreciate it. I like it.

What a way to celebrate May Day. I'm down with flu and I have a splitting headache. It's not even remotely funny. Actually, it's kinda funny. The runny nose thing is, anyway. I don't quite know why but I think it's hilarious. Go figure.

Watching Get Rea!. Good show. Serious. The current episode I'm watching's about how tourists are ripped off. Hehehe...so fun.

Good night.

knuckleheads...

The knuckleheads may annoy me. Frustrate me. Anger me.

However, yesterday, they warmed my heart. Every single one of them. That spontaneous burst of cheers was the most beautiful testimony of their open and sincere hearts and for that, I salute and embrace them.

On another note, we all know how AI can be quite a consumerist thing and erm, charity shows can wind up becoming just another scripted money-generator. However, those smiles were difficult to fake. Those toothy grins reflected the excitement, hope and genuine joy that they felt. And in that moment, those grins made me tear.

We honestly have a lot to be thankful for.

I wish to do more.

More than words.

first step

I took the first step towards my future. It's a small one but a step, nonetheless.

Never knew that such a small step can be so unnerving yet surprisingly simple.

There's no turning back now.

Is there?

coming full circle

Sometimes, you kinda get to a certain stage when you have to ask yourself, what is it do you really, really want to do for the rest of your life? The answers are never simple and you find yourself searching and questioning and searching again. Different people give you different answers. Some people give you answers that seem to take you closer to what you're seeking but others just give you a headache. Funny enough, the answers that give you headaches might turn out to be the ones closer to what you're looking for.

I'm rambling. Oops.

I'm on this personal quest of sorts to find me. I have the liberty to choose what I want out of life but I don't seem to fully appreciate this liberty I enjoy. Some would have killed for what I have...Crappie, dear...what do you want?

What do I want? What is it that I want out of this short span of time I have on earth? Is it really about just making it through each day? Just trudging along as the waves pick you up and carry you here and there? When will it stop? Am I happy to bop along? Is it worth all the whiles in the world?

What do I want?

This is stupid but I am inspired by people like the those in Freedom Writers and Dangerous Minds and the like. I'm amazed to see how they inspire others. I know I am capable of doing something similar but what is it that is holding me back? Aptitude or Attitude? I think I'm not good enough. Hence, I wind up not being good enough. Second rate. That's how I've always felt and for that, that's all I can ever be. I never minded it before. I never cared about it before. However, I seem to think that there is something severely amiss.

Before I lay my choices before me...for once, let me just come clean.

I am an educator. I love my kids incredulously. At least, most of them. However, I have spasms of pemalasness that kinda put quite a damper on things, I must say. My bond is about to come to an end. I will be promoted soon enough coz that's just how things work, not because I'm fantastic or anything of that sort. My job gives me a great deal of satisfaction but it also gives me a great deal of heartache and yeah...headaches. To say that I'm happy would be a lie. To say that I'm not will also be a lie. Let's just say that I'm kinda stuck in between. My colleagues are fantastic, at least most of them are. So yeah, when you really type it all out, I seem to have had it made. I graduated. I got a job. And my job's not that sucky. I mean, nothing's perfect, right? If there's anything missing, it's probably in my non-working life...

Family wise, I'm the youngest in the family and the only one staying with my parents coz both my siblings are married with children of their own. And yes, I am single. I have no idea whether it's 'single and carefree' or 'single and searching' coz I seem to waver between the two. I have great friends, most of whom I've kept for at least 3 years. Actually, it ranges between 3 - 20 years. So I reckon that friends-wise, I've been pretty blessed. Actually, family-wise, it's kinda ok too. I mean, we've all got our problems here and there but overall, I guess, my life's okay. Which thus boggles me even more...what is it that I want? I have almost everything before me so why am I being such a friggin' ingrate?

So, here I am. At yet another weird crossroad. The roads before me fork out in every direction. Which one do I take?

1. Quit the job and do the wedding thing I like doing. Seriously, I'm pretty good at it too. The drawback would be the instability of the market and in light of the fact that I kinda need a relatively stable job, this might get in the way of things.

2. Move on to counselling. Again, I'm pretty good at it, sorta. But honestly, do I really want to do this for the rest of my life? Can I imagine myself speaking to person after person about their troubles and live like that? Or is it just another one of my dreams that I escape to when my own current job overwhelms me? Am I really cut out to be a counsellor?

3. Study. Take up a course on counselling or academic studies. The thing about the academic stuff that freaks me out is that I'm bloody lazy and scared. Will I be able to pull myself out of my own shell and truly explore things?

4. Get married and settle down. Another way of saying that would be get married and settle. Settle for a life that's there. I mean, seriously, that feels safest and probably would have been the first path I take had I been given the chance earlier for the simple reason that it gives me the security that I think I need. Perhaps, that's why I'm still single. I'm being forced to not just settle but to really think about what I want to do before I settle. On the other hand, the idea of marriage still freaks the hell out of me.

Somehow or other, other things will be thrown before me. What will I do?

It is quite clear to me that there is one thing that I wish not to give up - teach. I want to teach. But more than just the syllabus, I want to teach people to love and care. I want to love and care about people. This is very Ms Universe/World but seriously, I'm not kidding. But, it still doesn't help me. I mean, to want to teach is one thing. But what is it do I really want to teach? How do I wish to teach? Who do I wish to teach? Why do I wish to teach? Before the want, I need to answer these other questions.

Gee...hitting oneself on the forehead is a stupid idea. THAT is crystal clear to me.

tame doves

jinak-jinak merpati, bila dekat mesti, confirm lari punyer...

There is this old malay saying about how pigeons/doves...how they appear so friendly but when you try to get hold of them, they'll fly away...this is with reference to people...usually girls...how girls appear so friendly but when you kinda try to get closer, they'll run away...something to that effect lah...

Anyhow, the phrase seems rather familiar of late. I realize that I am one of those merpatis...And it kinda applies to one and all...Generally, most folks will describe me as a friendly person but it's not particularly easy trying to get closer coz I have this thing about personal space...I like mine. A lot. And I like it private.

It's no wonder that eventually be it cousins or friends, I kinda drift away from them...I just don't quite like the whole buddy-buddy pal-pal system. In fact, I think the reason why I'm such good friends with my bozos from secondary school is precisely because they're like that too. We all love our own personal spaces too much to annoy each other. We actually like doing things separately. And to that end, we have a very interesting friendship which some may find weird. An example...a movie outing among us could possibly mean that we watch different movies at the same time...Even if it means that some of us might wind up being lone rangers but seriously, that never bothered us.

Funny.

Oh...this is in itself a revelation to me. So, erm, yeah...

Toodles!

instrument

Instrument.

It seems that this word sums up the recent things quite nicely. Allow me to explain -

It's the SYF season again! For the uninitiated, SYF is also known as the Singapore Youth Festival and every two years, concert bands take a shot at getting the gold medal. I was part of one such band many, many years ago. The practices, the scoldings, the pressure...It was unreal. I remember wanting to quit many a time but I never could bring myself to do so. I was a scared, egoistic shithead. Go figure. Well, I took a looksie at the following site and what dya know, it's a gold yet again. Surprise, surprise. Somehow I recall that I wasn't that confident years back when I was put in the shoes of the performer. However, once a band girl, always a band girl they say and erm, I guess there's some truth in that. A friend's doing some band-related stuff and somehow, talking about it came so naturally...I guess, in spite of the everything, I loved band. So yeah, and to think the whole conversation started with a simple "instrument".

On another note, another colleague seems to be in some kinda mood swing. He sees himself as an instrument, a tool used by others. Honestly, it's crap lah...to a certain extent, he is indeed an incredibly intelligent and talented person which means that he would unwittingly attract folks seeking some kinda help. I mean, he's "the guru" but seriously, he's not a tool. At least not to some of us. He's instrumental to the programme we're conducting, not the used instrument.

And yes, it's me again. I kinda feel like an instrument at times. But then, perhaps, I'm just like my colleague...it's all in the mind. It isn't a pleasant feeling but I guess you really need to take two steps back to take it all in. Just to make sure that things make sense. Then perhaps, you won't feel so used after all.

Adios.

evolution of self

gee. second post within a half hour. i must be caffeinated.

this isn't exactly a rambly, whiney one. erm, i take that back. it might be. let me just get on with it, eh?

I read stuff about someone's relationship with her family. I've been reading it for a while now...macam takde kerja lain...Anyhow, I'm amazed by the closeness of the family and the sweet relationships she has with her elders. Pretty amazing, really.

Naturally, being a typical female, a whole barrage of emotions whirled through my every being. Not just emotions really, but thoughts, memories...everything that can possibly engage my five plus plus senses just did a mini eruption. It's like different parts of me were reacting to the entry in different ways. As mentioned, the person's been writing about these things for a while but the recent entry about her r/s with her dad's what really a key trigger factor here. So, let me explain my innerworkings -

Now, there's this mini-me in me (i.e. the inner child and I'm not talking about a foetus) who felt a sudden emptiness as though she's lost something precious. If I have to recall a precise memory to go with this, it would be the time when I knew I would never see my stinky bald baby doll again. You kinda wish you had it back and you're practically demanding that it does but you know it won't happen so you just feel rather empty. I guess, it brought back memories of me and my dad and how I know that things have changed and I genuinely miss those times. It's quite painful actually, come to think of it. To think that we dismiss nothing as nothing...Funny.

Then, there's the rebel in me. That teenager who refuses to grow up. That teenager who knows that things have changed. That teenager who knows that she is responsible for the change. That teenager who is aware that she could have made a difference. But that same teenager is also very egoistic and self-centered. There is no chance in hell or heaven, for that matter, that this teenager will allow herself to be seen as vulnerable. And, to express emotions such that things could potentially go back to the mini-me moments would mean vulnerability. At least that is what the teenager insists. Hence, the teenager keeps things locked up within her. Suppressed. The only feeling she is willing to release is anger. Because anger helps her pride stay intact. Or at least, that's what she believes. As a teenager, pride is everything and anger is all that you need. That entry just got that part angrier...because that's the only way she knows how to react. Problem is, she doesn't quite know who or what she is actually angry with or about.

But of course, that's not it. There is yet another we have to visit. The semi-adult. The semi-adult outgrew the vulnerability and the angst but not the egoism. As much as the semi-adult realizes that the picture painted in the entry is an ideal that she should work towards, she does not seem to want to do it. She knows she should. She understands that as a young adult, as a Muslim, as a human being, as a child, that is her job. However, that semi-adult's still too egoistic to do anything, preferring to stick with the notion that "it's too late. forget it" even though her own conscience is close to knocking her out.

The semi-adult was probably influenced by the loner. That selfish core that has characterized the real person. The loner does not wish to answer to anyone. The loner believes that being alone means that she is free. Free of obligations...free to choose...and most importantly, free of the expectations of others. The loner prefers solitude because it is within herself that she feels most at ease. Safe. Secure. So, the loner believes that distance is the key. Hence, in spite of what the mini-me might feel, regardless of the suppression that the teenager has to endure and the plagued conscience of the semi-adult, the loner still holds firmly to her belief that to be alone is ultimately the best way to survive.

Which brings us to me. I am that loner. I choose to be one. Yet, the emptiness can be so overwhelming and I just want to retreat into my mini-me. But, I honestly believe that this could potentially be the best way. Being close to people...I tend to hurt them. Through my words, actions or my non-actions...But if others expect nothing from me, then I can do no harm, right? Hence, isn't aloofness a solution?

I've used that for years. It's been working thus far. However, I think I might be growing out of it. I don't wish to be a loner for the rest of my life. Somehow, I got to find a way to balance out the different sides to me. I know certain things will stay - the mini-me, the teenager, the semi-adult and even that loner...but I think another me has to be developed. One who can bring all the others together. I don't think I've found her yet. Or perhaps, it's just she, who has not found me.

funny how an entry can trigger such thoughts.

all in all, i miss my past but i am reluctant to reclaim it.

ramblings

Don't quite know what's coming over me. It's midnight and I've chosen to start writing in my blog. Perhaps, it's just the coffee. But I think it's just really me.

I'm not in one of those depressed states, if that's what you're thinking. In fact, my mind is pretty clear at the moment. It's just that sometimes, the brain works when it's not supposed to and I guess this is one of those times. Honestly, I'm just rambling, aren't I?

I am not an intellectual. I will not pretend to be one. I mean, it's quite easy really...all I got to do is to latch on to some major event like some bomb scare or be an amateur Erin Br-something...then again, wasn't she technically an amateur? Heck lah, bottomline is that I don't quite care about those stuff.

Actually, I wasn't always like this. I used to actually give a flying fish. I recall hours spent just debating the rights of this and that. Looking back at who I was, I don't even recognize me. In fact, I think I'm cringing. There's just something really weird about uptight, self-righteous buffoons. Oh yeah, and I was one of them.

What happened?

I guess growing up happened. This is lame, isn't it? I realize that most of my entries center on this issue. And this alone. In fact, I've even noted it down most of the time. Yet, lookie here...same old issue. I feel so...recycled...oh, but then again, that might be a good thing considering that the world is basically coming to an end what with all the global alarm bells ringing...so hmmm...Honestly, are you really surprised about the whole phenomenon? We really had it coming. Seriously. Gee, should have paid more attention to Captain Planet after all instead of those damned turtles in a half-shell. I mean, lookie here...which is cooler? Blue dude with penchant for preaching or cowabunga toxic teenaged mutants?

My powers of digressing have yet to diminish, I see. Crap.

So much for growing up.

Gosh, now I feel like some angst-driven, emo-punk freak who thinks that being effed up is cool. In fact, I think I'm beginning to sound (not literally) like one.

Cut it, dude.

You know, part of me thinks this is a charade while another insists that this is me. Seriously, which is it? I'm not too certain either at this point. Had I been drinking alcohol instead of coffee, it'd be so easy to point the finger at the poisoned nectar. However, this is not the case. Hence, I'm either super-caffeinated, insane or mebbe just confused.

Somehow, none seem to be an accurate description of what I feel at this precise moment. I honestly doubt I'm insane. I'm way too logical for that. I mean, I get crazy ideas and can do potentially wacky things at the most absurd of moments, but I retain full possession of control over myself so erm, that doesn't seem like something a mad person's capable of doing. Though, I'm not too certain either exactly what a mad person is capable of doing lah. You'll have to be mad to figure that out. And right now, I've not been diagnosed as one.

I don't think I'm confused either. I might have been so at different stages but at this moment, I'm pretty clear as to who I am. Though, I seem to have a problem expressing it. Part of it stems from my inability to fully put into words some of the intricacies that make me me. Another part happens to be the fact that being the wacko that I am at times, most people just don't get me anyway so why the eff should I bother explaining me? In fact, even when I try, some folks just wave it off. Like it doesn't matter. Like I don't matter. And to that end, I actually get quite pissed. I mean, don't judge me unless you know me. Don't effin' assume you know me coz you don't. Even I take time to figure me out so please, don't be an effin' moron.

Oh yes, there's also another potential reason why I have problems expressing who I am. Honestly speaking, it's because I do not want you to know me. There are parts of me I wish for no one to know. Seriously. No, I'm not a closet gay. That part's pretty clear to me but there are stuff that I like keeping private. Be it good or bad. Some things are just not meant to be shared.

Overall, I get misunderstood. I don't blame anyone. I know that it's partially due to my own actions.

Just one thing though that I've come to realize at the end of all these ramblings - There may be things I do not wish for you to know about me but that doesn't mean I would not appreciate you trying to figure it out.

There now. That's a little brainwheedler for you.

Toodles.