I am horribly affected these days.

I cannot seem to focus. And everything seems just a little off. While I should be thankful for some things I have, I cannot help but feel really bad about things I am losing or have lost.

Do you know what it feels like to be an outcaste?

I have been one for a large part of my life. Never quite part of anything. Never quite mattered but now...when you've been part of something for so long...to be an outcaste just hurts. I wonder if this was what F and S went through. And T. I feel horrible. Thing is, others might think I'm simply making a mountain out of a molehill but it's the little things that make me realize...I am no longer wanted or needed. And that hurts beyond anything.

Is it really my conjecture? Am I thinking too hard? But is what I'm saying making sense?

Can I handle yet another heartbreak?

I don't like people very much...they hurt me.

Again, it goes back to what is it that I want?

For some reason, I decided that I need to start writing again. I have no idea who to turn to. I feel lost. Like life is some sort of maze that I got myself into and now can't seem to get out of.

Everywhere I turn, someone is mad at me for some reason and quite honestly, I'm just as mad.

I'm breaking down. I really am.

I lost my best friend. Not due to death. Nor fight. Nor some separation. Things happen. Naturally. As they should be. And I am happy for her. I truly am. But the reality of what I've lost hits me. Hard. And I find it difficult to get through this.

Nobody gets me. I cannot blame them when I am the one who is so weird. Yet. I wish someone bothered enough to try understanding. Though probably they realized the futility of it. What do I want really? What is it that I want?

Please help me get through this. Please?

I need to grow up. That's the bottomline, isn't it?