I have never been this broken hearted before in my life.

I am Muslim (with ageist issues on an adrenaline high).

Once in a blue moon, something freaky happens. Today happens to be my "lucky" day.

Some psycho dropped me a note. Honestly, don't know who the crap it was but one thing's for certain, must be a blind psycho. Ko giler, kapa? Salah orang, kot. Nanti lain kali aku kenalkan ko kat makcik aku, eh. :OP

Apa jer...

It got me thinking though. I am ageist. To a certain extent. I do not relate well to older folks. Give me a break, some people like kids, some people don't. I'm not into old folks. I mean, I'm not about to go get a gun and go on a kill-'em-ol'-fogies routine but seriously, I don't gel well with older folks. Let's get this straight...older would mean beyond the age of 65 (thereabouts).

Then it also dawned on me, as much as we jodohs come in any shape, form and age...quite honestly, I would honestly not like to marry someone that's more than 10 years older. The fact that 10 years is already something I can sorta accept is already an achievement in itself. I mean, seriously, I know jodoh's jodoh. But it's just not something I can say with all sincerity something I will be willing to accept wholeheartedly.

Does that make me a bad person? Or an ingrate? Or an ageist?

I feel a little conflicted when it comes to this but the bottomline remains, I am not for May-Dec romances. It's sweet and all and I honestly think that some folks are very genuine when it comes to this but I will not wish it for myself. Please?

It freaks me sometimes how things we do not want come back to haunt us. It happens lah. And usually, it's for a good reason. There is always that possibility but at this current moment in time, please? Betol2 tak nak. Seriously.

Anyhow, I've been reading this Dina Zaman's book - I am Muslim. It's kinda difficult to put it down. It's very funny yet thought-provoking at the same time. I see glimpses of the dilemmas I face and the candour style she uses suits me to a T. (Why not 'S'? Oh well.)

I'll post a couple of excerpts from the book when I have the time. For now, it's my favourite read.

On another note...hehhee...me and friend went for a quickie. Erm, stick heads out of yellow goo. It was a quickie holiday. Minus official leave. Hehehe...Tiring but boy, was it fun! I had oodles of fun. And got myself soooooo many new books. Got about 3 Harun Yahyas, the Dina Zaman book, this teen-based fractured fairy tale book and a blast from the past chick-lit satire - Fabulous Nobodies. The only thing that stopped me from getting Salina was the fact that I doubt my sling could hold them all. Anyhow, it was quite an adrenaline-rush thing.

Toodles.

sing your way home

This is what happens after korean drama marathon. Start lah feeling feeling merepek. Bagus lah tu. Amalkan selalu. Apa jer.

Anyhow, you know the funniest things come to mind at the funniest moments? Well, during a, erm, particularly private moment of mine, it dawned on me - I grew up. Seriously. I think I did. Or am still in the process of doing. But anyhow, definitely on a up-growing mode.

I look back on the past a lot. It's like a bad habit that refuses to go away. No...not quite being sentimental though I admit, sometimes I am but rather, looking back affords you a glimpse of what used to be and thus helps us to get a clearer picture of who we are today and what we may be capable of in future. Without the past, there is no present and thus, no future. Cedebah...

I have nothing against growing up. I mean, it's probably a good thing. I mean, it's definitely inevitable so erm, we got to make the most of it, right? But, there are certain things that no matter how we change, we kinda keep so closely to our hearts that they become a part of our subconscious. For instance, I had a weird dream. Honestly, I'm not quite certain what it was about but one thing was crystal clear...I was home. The home I will never get over. The home I will always be in love with, no matter what. The home with that bumpy wall I used to trace with my fingers whenever I couldn't sleep. The home that was perfect for me. So perfect that if given the chance, I will recreate it in a heartbeat.

What is home?

What does being home mean? Coming home? Staying home?

When I was younger, I hated going out as you prolly already figured. And I mentioned that it was pretty much summarized that I was being an anti-social. Whatever. Moving on, but seriously, I never went out much. Even if I did, it will be around the neighbourhood. If I went beyond, that will be to that shop down the road...which was considered a treat in itself. I remember the time my mum gave me 50 bucks to bring along to the shop to get some stuff and I recalled how nervous I was to have so much money to carry over such a long distance. But of course, my mum only did that because my good ol' neighbour was with me. Speaking of which, I wonder how he is. I hope he's doing ok.

Anyhow, I digressed, didn't I? Well, I noticed that ever since I moved to this new place, I've been going out a lot. I mean, part of the reason could be the accessibility of my new place to town and the like. In addition, I've grown up so my social circle has interestingly widened quite considerably. But...somehow, there's this part of me that feels that that's not all there is to it. There is a part that somehow is rejecting this place. Like it doesn't quite feel like home. Do you understand?

In addition, I noticed that I've become a recluse...More so than before. Funny. My family used to call me an anti-social coz I didn't mix with the kids in the 'hood. But now, I'm truly an anti-social to them coz I hardly spend time with the family and my room's almost always closed to all. It's as if I have withdrawn into this selfish place that I refuse to share with those closest to me. Sometimes, I wonder if why i do that. Is it because of them or is it because of me?

I've not felt completely at ease in a while. Macam, hati ni...tak menentu. Ni bukan case Amalina nyer lagu dangdut...this is about finding inner peace. It's been innercrap for a while. I meant that in more ways than one.

I'm seeking something. Yet, I'm not certain of what exactly I'm looking for.

I think I just want to come home. I want to be home. I'm tired of roaming and stuff. I just want to go home.

But I'm still trying to figure out what home really means. What am I looking for in a home?

For now, I'll just continue to dream of my little "village". I'll just continue to dream of home and perhaps, in my dreams, I'll be home and perhaps someday in future, I will find my way home.

Gosh, I feel like Dorothy. Must be the muppets' movie. Crap.

I am in love with you. Don't you get it? Don't you see it? Of course you don't see it! What am I saying? Why am I being so pathetic? This is incredulous.

Now, this is what happens when you watch korean dramas which you just have to top up with a reading of happily-married-bubbly-person blog. Yeah, great. Now I sound macam orang sour punyer grapes.