backtracked

I love you. Or at least, I'm very close to it.

I'm not trying to be iffy. I just am not sure about these things. So, why should I pretend to know, right?

But anyhow. Moving on. Or rather, moving back.

I'm very close to being in love with you.

This is not something that I have sought to achieve as some kind of lifelong ambition. It's an emotion that I have no control over. None whatsoever. I honestly don't even know when I started to develop feelings for you. I do recall that no such emotions existed the first time I got to know you a good 5 years ago. In fact, none existed for the next twelve months thereafter. And then...

Oh well, I'm not too sure what happened but...something just crept in and nestled within me.

Uninvited. Unnoticed. Unwanted.

Now that it's there. I can't tell it to go. It has its own mind. I have no control over it. I can only control my actions. But emotions? No one can honestly say that they have control over their emotions. They may be able to control their actions but never how they feel. There is a dif.

Anyhow, please tell me what to do.

subconcious

I dreamt I had P.E. *shudder*

whirl

It is a good job. It can indeed be rewarding in a way that other jobs will never be able to match up to.

But the price to pay is a little too high. The emotional roller coaster can leave you a complete wreck. It isn't even funny.

I'm just feeling a little torn. Part of me's relieved that the subject did ok. However, I can't help but just feel completely dampened given the circumstances. I will give up my 100% for more of my kids to qualify for uni. But as it stands, this is it.

So, even as everyone around congratulates us for jobs well done, seriously, does it matter? What is the point in a tiny group of teachers looking good if a big group of kids are crying their hearts out?

But...I am going to take whatever good that came out of this. I will not reject the pat on the back. But, forgive me if I'm less than ecstatic. Forgive me if I can't help but feel rather worn out.

*
Today has been a funny day. I have managed to laugh, smile, ponder, giggle, cry and frown. Most importantly, at least I know that I still feel.