suasana hari raya

Burnt fingers, hardened melted chocs, double layers and funny stories: That pretty much sums up my one and only kuih-making experience for this year.

Hehehe...I really miss my old place...

I used to have time to do all the funny things people do whenever Eid comes along...including:

1. House decorating and erm, in my family of wannabe-decorators, everyone's gotta have a say...and it used to get a little insane...

2. Cookie-making: Ok, let me make it crystal clear right now - I DO NOT ENJOY BUTTER. The smell alone makes me wanna puke. So, cookie-making used to be a stomach-churning experience for me...Kuih Tat is by far, the worst...gua tak leh angkat beb...

3. Mad, frantic rush for clothes: Frankly, I'm a lot simpler than sibs...Just throw on any baju kurung used to be fine plus Mummy used to do the getting of clothes. Now, I got to do it myself and the yah...shoots...

4. Baju kena burnt: In my family, for years, it has been a tradition for someone to burn a hole in their baju raya almost every year...I don't even know whether to be proud of it or not? Please, this tradition's got to end...

Guess, there should be many other things lah but anyway, what I'm trying to get at is that, you know, it really doesn't matter? I guess it's kinda fun to do the things we do but to get it confused with religion is a whole other thing...Simplicity should always be the key, shouldn't it?

This is real stupid but we waste a heck of a lot during "festive" occasions when there is actually absolutely NO NEED for it. It's just all very silly. I think the best Hari Raya would be for my whole family to just get together and hang out as we used to do...The things we used to do were fun, not because we had to do it for Eid but because, we did it together, as a family. And I miss that. I just miss my family.

I miss the whole ketupat making thing when all the kids and Dad used to make ketupats...and the older ladies used to fill them up with the rice...The whole lighting up thing would be a family affair...I miss the craziness of getting a cab coz we could never fit into just one cab...I really miss my family...

I hope this raya will bring us closer - closer to each other and closer to Allah. I have a promise made to myself and I'm willing myself to stick to it. I don't know if I will but I will try to. Insya Allah.

colours...

I'm telling you it's all in the colours...

I love colours. They make me happy. I feel a certain sense of freshness when I see happy doopy colours. But of course, got to be tastefully done lah...Otherwise, apa seh...nonsense only...

By the way, remember me telling me not to go Geylang? I did it again and no, not going to complain about it because gatal sendiri. So, serves you right, Crappie. But, there was a moment that was kinda cool. We (Yes, I was not alone in my gatal-tak-serik-serik moment and I am not talking about my other self) had to go over this overhead bridge which no one else seem to use coz jaywalking was much preferred by most but since I still value my life and am generally a stickler for propriety or at least I try to be...erm...too much digression, what was I talking about? Oh yeah...I mean, we used the overhead bridge, the one at Haig Road...we kinda stopped at the corner of it for a moment to just watch people...That was kinda fun coz you see so many people from all walks of life doing their own thing and it's just amazing to see how so many different lives converged in that one moment. It's like, you're really, really just one of millions of others...It's just incredible, do you get it? Anyway, we kinda thought if Amazing Race wanted a challenge, they should try out Geylang Bazaar as a potential spot.

Whatever it is, I was glad to be on my way home. Phew, I survived Geylang part deux.

On another note, I want to do more with my life.

But, I Do Have A Heart...

Feeling a little reflective:

Classics

Ever since I was a kid, I had been weaned on old songs be it English, Hindi or Malay. The main point is they got to be old. Hence, I've always been a lot less than "hip" in my song preferences. Anyway, I found this clip on youtube of one of my favourite old songs from one of my favourite b/w films - Musang Berjanggut.

Here goes:

Gift

Have you ever got ever gotten a gift you'd rather return?

I just did. The thing is, I got me that "gift". (Yes, I do give myself gifts. It's a dual personality thing.) Hmm..never mind, I'd stick by it. Through thick or thin. Thanks for the gift. :OP

Anyway, I've been sneezing all morning. It's real annoying.

Goodness, raya's on Tuesday. As much as I would love to leave my room as it is, I can't coz my relatives are all coming over on the first day. And my room's getting converted into an extra living room. Great.

It's in a super duper mess. It's incredible to see the amount of junk I've accumulated over the years. I'm so blardy screwed lah. How to clean, sia?

Btw, yesterday was a little insane. Kids cried and cried. Macam kesian gitu. I really don't like system ni. Apa merepek seh?

Kiddos, I know I've been an absolute b**** to you folks. (You really, really know how to put my blood in a kettle over a fire.) That doesn't mean I don't like you. I just think you need some major growing up to do. I know the results are crappy but you know what, the way some of you have reacted made me real proud and I'm kinda glad that you got the results that you did. I only hope you know what to do next year. Don't repeat the same mistakes. (Make new ones, hehehe...no, you don't if you can help it.) Strangely, things will work out for the best. Trust that.

See lah...talking to non-existent kiddos again. They oso won't read this. Takpe lah...

But honestly, part of me feels so responsible for their plight. I'm just feeling like crap. So now, innercrap's feeling rather outercrapped. Or rather, all-crapped-out. Macam tak fair gitu.

I guess I need to remind me that there is a silver lining to all that has happened. In a way, it's also a "gift" of sorts.

Enough of my mish-mash of nonsense.

hmmm....

"IT IS A SERIOUS INJURY. IT'S BLEEDING ALL OVER. IT IS A SERIOUS INJURY!!!" (some kid who will come to understand how serious injuries can be if he continues with his screams. Look buster, don't make me give you a real reason to scream. !#*@(*#&!!!)

Sabar, loon, sabar...rilek one corner eh...Breathe in, Breathe out...There you go....

Okie dokie. I'm cheery now.

I feel like doing a list. Tapi, list apa eh? Shopping list? Merbahaya... Apa eh?

Ok, while figuring out lists...I got "tango" wafers. Why tango? Because I don't like waltzing. I don't like cha-cha. I don't like salsa. I don't like - eh, wait a minute...I just don't like dancing. I don't like tango either for that matter. Oh well.

I did something stoopid again. Actually, it's so stoopid that I forgot what I did. I forget the stupid things I do so that I can always remember how smart I am. Delusional? I know lah but what to do? Must stay sane, right?

Anyway, kiddos took it better than expected. But then again, they're also delusional. Hehehe...world's just freaking full of the disillusioned, delusionals and illusions. Eh, eh...I like...The DDI...

Anyway, I still need to take a crap.

One other thing: If someone were to be peeping over a wall, they cd prolly look like -
d..b the beady eyed burglar...
d--b the slitty one...
dvvb the haugthy one...
doob the eye rolling one who's about to faint or get possessed...

That was fun. BYE!

XXV

Great.

On another note, I so need to take a crap.

make it a quarter

In several hours, I will officially be on my way to thirty. No more rounding down. No such thing. It's all up, up and away...

Seram seh.

Pejam celik, pejam celik, daaaahhh besar si budak tu...tak lama lagik, daaaaaaahhhh kahwin - typical, makcikfied response to any aging process of "the young ones".

Frankly, it's quite unnerving to note that I have well, and truly been forced to grow up. There is no such thing as pretending to be a teenager anymore. I'm grown up and it's freakishly scary.

Kinda makes u go back in time....so let's rewind now, shall we?

I remember my first memory: A freakishly cold bath. I think I had measles so some folks gave me an ice bath. So cold.

I remember wafer biscuits: Mum gave it to fren and I took it from him coz I was a brat. I got scolding. :O(

I remember ramadhan: Hehehe...curi kuih....

I remember guitar: "Lagu tiga kupang...saku penuh padi..." - Malay version of "Sing a song of sixpence"....it sounded cooler too...

I remember red-indian-ballerina: first drawing my pal taught me

I remember recorder: I sucked. Initially. :OP

I remember cartoons, toys and everything else: "I don't want to grow up, I'm a toys 'r' us kid"

I remember hopscotch, dog and bone and midnight sports: Aunt got super mad coz of chalky hopscotch and we got into trouble. Oops.

I remember syrup out of the window: "MOMMY! SOMEONE SPILLED SYRUP ON MY SHIRT! (downstairs neighbour)"...Erm...Did I do that?

I remember cats: Comel, Baby Candice, Mr Brown and Combi....

And dogs: "the yelping neighbour", the three legged Diamond, the gila-make-me-climb-monkey-bar one (that would never have happened had it not been for the dog) and how can i forget? the non-existent one that caused my bike to do a flip.

I also remember tears: Parents fought, Sis got into trouble, Bro and his temper...

And fears: PSLE, O-levels, A-levels, exams, stage fright, lost watch, religious teacher with cane, hospitals...

I remember guilt: Broke the vase, cut own hair etc.

I remember laughter: Asia Bagus the kiddy version, the cookie thing, karaoke after ngaji (don't ask) etc.

I remember death: Aunt, Uncle, friends...

I guess, there are millions of memories more to go...I've only just about scratched the surface of my childhood memories...Don't get me started on teenhood....That's just bizarre...

Things have really changed. Yet, I don't think I've really changed all that much at all. Funny.

BYE!

Cut-Loose

Sometimes, you just got to cut them loose.

I still believe everything's going to be for the best. I believe so.

Gosh...I dread tomorrow.

Run, Forrest, Run

Felt horrible at the end of yesterday.

There's just something really wrong with the system. What are we trying to do? What is our job? Do we consider the child's future or our own performance at the end of it all? Is that what it has come to? It's sick. I'm sick of it.

"Teaching is a noble profession." Whatever, man, whatever.

My heart's not in it anymore. Correction, do I have one left? Hmmmm....

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get.

Unbearable Lightness of Being (in Geylang)

Today...full, full day...Did many, many things...

Had my class, fingers pain..fish head curry, he's really kaypoh...never mind...

Oooh, visited a friend who gave birth. So cute the little thing...I like her...Hence, managed to catch up with long-lost buddies, I MISSED THEM!! Went over to fren's place for asar...realized that we lead freakishly similar lives albeit in totally contrasting ways...It's hard to explain but we keep doing things as if we planned it together but we actually make such decisions separately...We'd do it in different ways but somehow our paths will cross and we realize we're doing the same thing...It's just freaky, but in a good way...Hehehe..

Afterwhich, managed to get my qiji popiah for buka plus some weirdo fries from NY Pizza - Pedas gilerr....Should have come with a warning label....Erm, somehow, we figured that it'd be a brilliant idea to go to Geylang since it's not quite last ten days yet so still got time lah...Masih tak serik-serik...

Last year, we went Geylang, we wound up complaining about why we stepped into the place to begin with. Previous year, same thing. Previous, previous year, ditto. And that goes for all other previous years. This year, cripes...I cannot tahan the place...No wonder I told myself not to step into Geylang bazaar last year. It makes a lot of sense. Sheesh, those fries pushed every ounce of logic I may have had left out of my brain...Stooopid idea. Anyway, cannot tahan the place lah. Too crowded. Too noisy. Too everything. But, thankfully, my friends were there and if anything, I guess the whole experience was worth the while because we got to spend time with each other. I do miss them.

Sigh...remind me not to go Geylang again, ok?

(PS. I got new watch....It has been like what? 5 years since my last one? Hehehe...I like it...hehehe...)

bittersweet symphony

I am not going to like the coming tuesday very much. I will not enjoy the 17th of October. In fact, I'm probably going to hate the 19th even more. Heck, even the 18th's going to feel rather horrible. That would mean that I'm going to have a very sad turning-a-quarter-century day.

I never realized I could potentially have that much impact on a person's life. It's like having power over someone. As much as it may sound "super-cool", I just feel rather fearful and I wish I didn't have it. I feel like a coward and you know what? I guess I am. It has made me realize the errors of what I do and the pending consequences of my actions. I hate this. I don't mind bearing the brunt of my mistakes but I would never wish another to do so. It's just unfair.

No sorries will work. No regrets are worth the while.

I will not know how to face them on wednesday. I'm ecstatic for most because they have achieved what they sought to do. I'm worried - Worried to the depths of my being about the others. I love them dearly and this is not the way I want to see or let them go.

At this point, I'm simply taking comfort in the knowledge that Allah knows best. It is He who has gotten it all figured out. I just got to trust that. Allah knows best hence, no matter what happens, it will be for the best. Insya Allah.

Take care, dearies. Whatever happens, it will be for the best. Trust that.

Gosh, I am getting rather emo these days...aren't I?

I had a good bad day. Or should I say bad good day? I don't know. Anyway, I'm just forgetting about the bad and concentrating on the good...

Kiddos were sweet. 'Nuff said.

Anyway, moving on to something that has bugged me for a while...

Suria Raya Carnival. WHAT THE )@*#$)*$*@#()*#@)*#!!!!??@@!!

I'm sorry lah but there's just something wrong about performances during the nites of ramadhan. And they're upping it during the last ten days or so? To get into the mooood....Wa tak bleh angkat....

And the blardy commercial for the thing?! "Mengeratkan hubungan antara anak dan bapa?!" Flying Fish Fingers...Never mind. Mebbe it does work. I dunno. Whatever it is, it feels rather wrong. Is this the Singapore Malay-Muslim that we are to be?

toodles.

heart-to-heart

I do not wear my heart on my sleeve.

I'm not one of those who express my feelings very well. In fact, I'm one of those crackpots who wind up being perceived as being rather indifferent and altogether - bo-chap. I mean, you can't blame them considering that my parting shot to a sibling who was going off amidst bucketloads of tears was "good riddance coz i got your room." (or something to that effect. it got me into a teeny weeny bit of trouble...hehehe...)

Anyway, it's really not that I don't care. It's just that I choose not to show it.

Ok, I've not gone bizarre. (hmmm....) It's just that I gave them kiddos something today which kinda surprised them to a certain extent. Hehehe...life is so full of surprises...anyhow, I can't help thinking about how these kiddos' feelings towards me are so bloody different from another set of kiddos. But then again, these kiddos started out hating me. To the core. Hehehe...funny...I really don't know whether it's me who got used to them or is it actually the other way round?

Anyhow, let me just get to the point lah...since I'm quite safely anonymous here so the kiddos can't read this, here goes -

"My dear darling kiddos, I'm gonna miss you BIG TIME. I wish I had been better at my job. To be honest, I think I must have screwed up like a lot a lot of times...I'm sure you've seen it and you know it. I could not have asked for a better bunch of kiddos and I'm so darn thankful I got you. I do love you very, very much and I care about you from the bottom of my nonsensically beaten heart. I honestly hope you find your own happiness in life and I cannot begin to thank you for giving me the chance to learn. You have been more than what a tutor can be. If anything, you are the wind beneath my wings. Things will be so strange when you're gone and I'm going to miss you even more when the full impact of your absence hits me.

'I guess there's only one problem left,' (King Triton)
'What is that, Your Majesty?' (Sebastian)
'How much I'm going to miss her(them).' (King Triton)

I got to let you go some time, right? Take care."

Sheesh...emo siak....

Holier-Than-Thou

Hmmm...I heard FD happily announcing that India has banned children from being used as labour in homes...Or something to that effect. He even said that "that's good news for the children in India." Ok. Erm, I get it. I love kids and I hate seeing how they're and have been mistreated. It's sad and the thing is most troubled adults become so because of troubled childhood periods. However, I can't help thinking, is it really good news?

I mean, I know that the kids need to be protected by law against such practices but ever considered the fact that by not allowing them to do so, it would mean that the family would be cut off from a source of their income. I'm pretty certain the kids are not domestic helpers by choice. That would mean that they kinda need the income, don't they? Now, when we deprive them of that income, what will they do? Seriously, I hope that besides simply putting the ban in place, the authorities would find a way to help these children and their family find alternative forms of income. Otherwise, the situation will simply worsen whereby kids do it on the sly, which makes them even more prone to being abused by those who "hired" them. What may be worse is that these kids might find themselves pushed into the criminal world(God forbid!). So, are we really helping them?

I can't help thinking that we, in our "developed" countries think of situations from our own perspectives without taking into consideration the needs of others. It's the White Man's Burden all over again. It's just that it's no longer just the ang-moh.

It kinda hurts to know kids are being abused as such but I think it's more than just a problem of the kids. It's a societal problem. It's the poverty cycle that needs to be broken. Honestly, I don't know what to do either. I hope the ban's not just a way of shutting detractors up but a genuine attempt to help and I honestly hope it would really, really help.

I really do.

Lambat Setapak (Make that a few tapaks)

Do you get the feeling that you're a teensy weensy bit behind time at times? Make that most times. Screw that. Make that, erm...like waaayyy behind time, like all the time? Hmmm...

Honestly, I feel that way. Don't get me wrong. I'm contented with whatever life has presented to me. I have been blessed in too many ways to feel unhappy or disgruntled. It's just that I feel as though I'm kinda left behind...

Ok, this is going to sound so pukingly pathetic but here goes nothing:

My folks...they kinda got me pretty late...Like a decade after my other sibling(s) which meant that they grew up a lot earlier than I did. I was perpetually trying to "catch up" with them but heck, it just doesn't quite work that way. Even now, when I'm supposed to be an adult, just like them, I feel that the gap between us has grown so much. I love them very much and I have no doubt that they feel the same way about me however, there's a gap there that's just so hard to fill...

Among friends, I've always been the "last-to-most-things"....yeah, I get it...I'm s-l-o-w but just shut up and hear me out (or rather, read me out?) Ok, I get it, partly it's due to my bloody antisocialness as a kid. Come on, I just don't do the let's play catching downstairs thing...I hate catching. I hate police and thief. I hate hide-and-seek. Hence, I chose not to participate in most of such activities. Give me scrabble, any day of the week and I'd beat the hell out of you. (either that or I will cry and wail and you'd have to give in to me anyway. so there.) Anyway, ok, fine...guess that would explain part of the reason why I'm a little behind time but hey...I did a lot of catching up already ok...Like even though it took me almost a quarter of a century to put on a skirt, I DID!! SO THERE!!!

Anyway, I'm obviously digressing...My point is, no matter how much I try to keep up with things, I just kinda flounder and it's getting ridiculous. To be honest, I don't really want to "keep up" anymore. I just want to rilek-one-korner...but somehow this place is not allowing me to sit on my bum...I really need to get away, you know? Never mind..

Ok, mindless rambling finito.

Game over.

Scaredy Cat

I like cats. Actually, I like dogs too just that the whole touching them's a little bit of a problem but anyhow, I do like the furry things..

Anyway, here's a clip I got off youtube...So damn bloody cute...

Beautiful Sunday

My, my, my beautiful Sunday....
This is my, my, my beautiful day...
When you say, say, say, say that you love me...
Oh~ my, my, my, it's a beautiful day...

GOOD MORNING, CYBERWORLD!!!

Ok lah..not quite early in the morning...but GOOD MORNING!!!

I'm a bit the zoinked at the moment. Had too much sleep, me thinks so everything's a little hazy. (or is that the air conditions?) Anyway, I'm still yawning as I type this. This feels like such a super duper lazy sunday...

Anyway, yesterday's break fasting experience was a little bit more elaborate coz all my little twerps (read: brother's offspring) along with the rest of the family came over. That littlest shortfry's damn cute lah...I want to bite that boy...Sigh, now I'm missing my other, even tinier, shortier little twerp...Oh well...

Anyway, what better way to start the morning than to talk about the fact that I'm super screwed coz I've not finished a whole lot of my work...And the most bizarre part of it all? I don't give a flying fish...(Fasting month, cannot say expletives)..which is ultra weird lah...considering that I'm one of the most super kanchiong, gabra-nak-mampos, highly neurotic and all-in-all just a simple nervous-wreck-next-door....I'm sure that the only way to explain this would be that I'm probably still in denial...Just wait...just you wait when the clock hits the witching hour of midnite...Then, I would be at my normal best. Until then, let me bask in my little dreamworld...

Well, see ya! (Probably, very soon.)

tee hee

okay. this i gotta share with you before anything else - he's cute. hehehe...

saturdays seem more fun now. ;OP

Ok. Main entry -

Let's see here...I'm crazy about books. Ok, I am crazy about a lot of things but books form quite a major part of my insanity. I kinda like almost anything and everything unless it's really, really boring (surprisingly, dictionaries are NOT boring). Anyway, my point is, there's this author who goes by the name of Harun Yahya. He's got really good books with some amazing information about almost anything...from ancient Mt Vesuvius to the Knights Templar and even an ant...He's got them all. I highly recommend his "Perished Nations". Uber-cool.

The thing is, his writings kinda make me wonder and stand in awe of all that're around me. It's incredibly eye-opening, thought-provoking, humbling and sigh...I can't even attempt to explain myself...It's just...sigh...

I've been reading a lot, as you can tell. It's my way of diverting attention away from work. Some call it a hobby. I just call it a diversion. A nice diversion. Which brings us back to my Saturdays. Yet another nice diversion. ;OP

Adios!

gee

Well, let's see here...

I don't really have much to write, which translates into...this will be a very long entry...

It seems as though I've been getting one too many job offers. I am not complaining...I mean, it is most definitely a good thing...It's just that it kinda makes me think...Is my unhappiness at this present moment so incredibly evident that folks all around me are able to sense it and thus try to "ease" my situations by offering me jobs?

Actually, what is it that makes me so unhappy anyway?

Truth be told, there are certain times when I realize that part of me just belongs where I am. I love the folks I deal with and I care deeply about most of them. However, as time goes by, I grow increasingly distant and I don't seem to quite care anymore at times and that scares me. My strength used to lie in my ability to relate and communicate with the folks. However, it is becoming increasingly evident that that strength is growing rather wearisome and my true "ability" seem to be the manner through which I execute the material. I have become a professional in that respect. With that, I'm losing those rough edges that helped me to connect with people..I feel rather robotic...

Perhaps, that could be the problem. Needless to say, I'm quite emo lah...Don't get me wrong. I'm not the cry-me-a-river kind...I just need to feel when I do things...It's like when I write or read or whatever, I need to feel what I do...I loved my job because I used to feel a lot for it...Nowadays, I'm just so exhausted that the only feeling I have is weariness. I'm becoming desensitized and that scares me, though some think that that's actually a positive development...Aargghhh...

Another part of me just feels overused. I feel trapped. It feels as if I've been walled into a tiny corner with no way in or out. It's so infuriating and I..I just don't quite know how to explain it...

Perhaps, it's not just the job. Perhaps, it's also about me finding me. I don't quite know where I'm headed at the moment. I just feel myself being forced to ride the waves...I'm trying to figure things out but before I can, I wind up drowning...It keeps happening over and over again...I need something...I don't know what it is but there is something that's missing here...I feel as if I'm on the verge of finding something but I've still yet to grasp it. Perhaps, I'm not ready enough and thus I've not found it yet...but...I honestly don't know how or what exactly am I preparing for??? Am I supposed to be preparing for something anyway???

I don't know...I just don't know.

Anyway, I walked down Orchard Road today. I "missed" my bus stop. Honestly, I don't like O.R. I think it's just too crowded but heck...Come to think of it, I don't like most places. I like being the bookworm and I miss being one. Oh well.

Anyway, take care.