I have never been this broken hearted before in my life.

I am Muslim (with ageist issues on an adrenaline high).

Once in a blue moon, something freaky happens. Today happens to be my "lucky" day.

Some psycho dropped me a note. Honestly, don't know who the crap it was but one thing's for certain, must be a blind psycho. Ko giler, kapa? Salah orang, kot. Nanti lain kali aku kenalkan ko kat makcik aku, eh. :OP

Apa jer...

It got me thinking though. I am ageist. To a certain extent. I do not relate well to older folks. Give me a break, some people like kids, some people don't. I'm not into old folks. I mean, I'm not about to go get a gun and go on a kill-'em-ol'-fogies routine but seriously, I don't gel well with older folks. Let's get this straight...older would mean beyond the age of 65 (thereabouts).

Then it also dawned on me, as much as we jodohs come in any shape, form and age...quite honestly, I would honestly not like to marry someone that's more than 10 years older. The fact that 10 years is already something I can sorta accept is already an achievement in itself. I mean, seriously, I know jodoh's jodoh. But it's just not something I can say with all sincerity something I will be willing to accept wholeheartedly.

Does that make me a bad person? Or an ingrate? Or an ageist?

I feel a little conflicted when it comes to this but the bottomline remains, I am not for May-Dec romances. It's sweet and all and I honestly think that some folks are very genuine when it comes to this but I will not wish it for myself. Please?

It freaks me sometimes how things we do not want come back to haunt us. It happens lah. And usually, it's for a good reason. There is always that possibility but at this current moment in time, please? Betol2 tak nak. Seriously.

Anyhow, I've been reading this Dina Zaman's book - I am Muslim. It's kinda difficult to put it down. It's very funny yet thought-provoking at the same time. I see glimpses of the dilemmas I face and the candour style she uses suits me to a T. (Why not 'S'? Oh well.)

I'll post a couple of excerpts from the book when I have the time. For now, it's my favourite read.

On another note...hehhee...me and friend went for a quickie. Erm, stick heads out of yellow goo. It was a quickie holiday. Minus official leave. Hehehe...Tiring but boy, was it fun! I had oodles of fun. And got myself soooooo many new books. Got about 3 Harun Yahyas, the Dina Zaman book, this teen-based fractured fairy tale book and a blast from the past chick-lit satire - Fabulous Nobodies. The only thing that stopped me from getting Salina was the fact that I doubt my sling could hold them all. Anyhow, it was quite an adrenaline-rush thing.

Toodles.

sing your way home

This is what happens after korean drama marathon. Start lah feeling feeling merepek. Bagus lah tu. Amalkan selalu. Apa jer.

Anyhow, you know the funniest things come to mind at the funniest moments? Well, during a, erm, particularly private moment of mine, it dawned on me - I grew up. Seriously. I think I did. Or am still in the process of doing. But anyhow, definitely on a up-growing mode.

I look back on the past a lot. It's like a bad habit that refuses to go away. No...not quite being sentimental though I admit, sometimes I am but rather, looking back affords you a glimpse of what used to be and thus helps us to get a clearer picture of who we are today and what we may be capable of in future. Without the past, there is no present and thus, no future. Cedebah...

I have nothing against growing up. I mean, it's probably a good thing. I mean, it's definitely inevitable so erm, we got to make the most of it, right? But, there are certain things that no matter how we change, we kinda keep so closely to our hearts that they become a part of our subconscious. For instance, I had a weird dream. Honestly, I'm not quite certain what it was about but one thing was crystal clear...I was home. The home I will never get over. The home I will always be in love with, no matter what. The home with that bumpy wall I used to trace with my fingers whenever I couldn't sleep. The home that was perfect for me. So perfect that if given the chance, I will recreate it in a heartbeat.

What is home?

What does being home mean? Coming home? Staying home?

When I was younger, I hated going out as you prolly already figured. And I mentioned that it was pretty much summarized that I was being an anti-social. Whatever. Moving on, but seriously, I never went out much. Even if I did, it will be around the neighbourhood. If I went beyond, that will be to that shop down the road...which was considered a treat in itself. I remember the time my mum gave me 50 bucks to bring along to the shop to get some stuff and I recalled how nervous I was to have so much money to carry over such a long distance. But of course, my mum only did that because my good ol' neighbour was with me. Speaking of which, I wonder how he is. I hope he's doing ok.

Anyhow, I digressed, didn't I? Well, I noticed that ever since I moved to this new place, I've been going out a lot. I mean, part of the reason could be the accessibility of my new place to town and the like. In addition, I've grown up so my social circle has interestingly widened quite considerably. But...somehow, there's this part of me that feels that that's not all there is to it. There is a part that somehow is rejecting this place. Like it doesn't quite feel like home. Do you understand?

In addition, I noticed that I've become a recluse...More so than before. Funny. My family used to call me an anti-social coz I didn't mix with the kids in the 'hood. But now, I'm truly an anti-social to them coz I hardly spend time with the family and my room's almost always closed to all. It's as if I have withdrawn into this selfish place that I refuse to share with those closest to me. Sometimes, I wonder if why i do that. Is it because of them or is it because of me?

I've not felt completely at ease in a while. Macam, hati ni...tak menentu. Ni bukan case Amalina nyer lagu dangdut...this is about finding inner peace. It's been innercrap for a while. I meant that in more ways than one.

I'm seeking something. Yet, I'm not certain of what exactly I'm looking for.

I think I just want to come home. I want to be home. I'm tired of roaming and stuff. I just want to go home.

But I'm still trying to figure out what home really means. What am I looking for in a home?

For now, I'll just continue to dream of my little "village". I'll just continue to dream of home and perhaps, in my dreams, I'll be home and perhaps someday in future, I will find my way home.

Gosh, I feel like Dorothy. Must be the muppets' movie. Crap.

I am in love with you. Don't you get it? Don't you see it? Of course you don't see it! What am I saying? Why am I being so pathetic? This is incredulous.

Now, this is what happens when you watch korean dramas which you just have to top up with a reading of happily-married-bubbly-person blog. Yeah, great. Now I sound macam orang sour punyer grapes.

get rea!

"It's not time to make a change, just relax, take it easy..."

I forgot how much I liked that song till recently. In fact, it's only recently that I paid attention to the lyrics of the song and thus came to fully appreciate it. I like it.

What a way to celebrate May Day. I'm down with flu and I have a splitting headache. It's not even remotely funny. Actually, it's kinda funny. The runny nose thing is, anyway. I don't quite know why but I think it's hilarious. Go figure.

Watching Get Rea!. Good show. Serious. The current episode I'm watching's about how tourists are ripped off. Hehehe...so fun.

Good night.

knuckleheads...

The knuckleheads may annoy me. Frustrate me. Anger me.

However, yesterday, they warmed my heart. Every single one of them. That spontaneous burst of cheers was the most beautiful testimony of their open and sincere hearts and for that, I salute and embrace them.

On another note, we all know how AI can be quite a consumerist thing and erm, charity shows can wind up becoming just another scripted money-generator. However, those smiles were difficult to fake. Those toothy grins reflected the excitement, hope and genuine joy that they felt. And in that moment, those grins made me tear.

We honestly have a lot to be thankful for.

I wish to do more.

More than words.

first step

I took the first step towards my future. It's a small one but a step, nonetheless.

Never knew that such a small step can be so unnerving yet surprisingly simple.

There's no turning back now.

Is there?

coming full circle

Sometimes, you kinda get to a certain stage when you have to ask yourself, what is it do you really, really want to do for the rest of your life? The answers are never simple and you find yourself searching and questioning and searching again. Different people give you different answers. Some people give you answers that seem to take you closer to what you're seeking but others just give you a headache. Funny enough, the answers that give you headaches might turn out to be the ones closer to what you're looking for.

I'm rambling. Oops.

I'm on this personal quest of sorts to find me. I have the liberty to choose what I want out of life but I don't seem to fully appreciate this liberty I enjoy. Some would have killed for what I have...Crappie, dear...what do you want?

What do I want? What is it that I want out of this short span of time I have on earth? Is it really about just making it through each day? Just trudging along as the waves pick you up and carry you here and there? When will it stop? Am I happy to bop along? Is it worth all the whiles in the world?

What do I want?

This is stupid but I am inspired by people like the those in Freedom Writers and Dangerous Minds and the like. I'm amazed to see how they inspire others. I know I am capable of doing something similar but what is it that is holding me back? Aptitude or Attitude? I think I'm not good enough. Hence, I wind up not being good enough. Second rate. That's how I've always felt and for that, that's all I can ever be. I never minded it before. I never cared about it before. However, I seem to think that there is something severely amiss.

Before I lay my choices before me...for once, let me just come clean.

I am an educator. I love my kids incredulously. At least, most of them. However, I have spasms of pemalasness that kinda put quite a damper on things, I must say. My bond is about to come to an end. I will be promoted soon enough coz that's just how things work, not because I'm fantastic or anything of that sort. My job gives me a great deal of satisfaction but it also gives me a great deal of heartache and yeah...headaches. To say that I'm happy would be a lie. To say that I'm not will also be a lie. Let's just say that I'm kinda stuck in between. My colleagues are fantastic, at least most of them are. So yeah, when you really type it all out, I seem to have had it made. I graduated. I got a job. And my job's not that sucky. I mean, nothing's perfect, right? If there's anything missing, it's probably in my non-working life...

Family wise, I'm the youngest in the family and the only one staying with my parents coz both my siblings are married with children of their own. And yes, I am single. I have no idea whether it's 'single and carefree' or 'single and searching' coz I seem to waver between the two. I have great friends, most of whom I've kept for at least 3 years. Actually, it ranges between 3 - 20 years. So I reckon that friends-wise, I've been pretty blessed. Actually, family-wise, it's kinda ok too. I mean, we've all got our problems here and there but overall, I guess, my life's okay. Which thus boggles me even more...what is it that I want? I have almost everything before me so why am I being such a friggin' ingrate?

So, here I am. At yet another weird crossroad. The roads before me fork out in every direction. Which one do I take?

1. Quit the job and do the wedding thing I like doing. Seriously, I'm pretty good at it too. The drawback would be the instability of the market and in light of the fact that I kinda need a relatively stable job, this might get in the way of things.

2. Move on to counselling. Again, I'm pretty good at it, sorta. But honestly, do I really want to do this for the rest of my life? Can I imagine myself speaking to person after person about their troubles and live like that? Or is it just another one of my dreams that I escape to when my own current job overwhelms me? Am I really cut out to be a counsellor?

3. Study. Take up a course on counselling or academic studies. The thing about the academic stuff that freaks me out is that I'm bloody lazy and scared. Will I be able to pull myself out of my own shell and truly explore things?

4. Get married and settle down. Another way of saying that would be get married and settle. Settle for a life that's there. I mean, seriously, that feels safest and probably would have been the first path I take had I been given the chance earlier for the simple reason that it gives me the security that I think I need. Perhaps, that's why I'm still single. I'm being forced to not just settle but to really think about what I want to do before I settle. On the other hand, the idea of marriage still freaks the hell out of me.

Somehow or other, other things will be thrown before me. What will I do?

It is quite clear to me that there is one thing that I wish not to give up - teach. I want to teach. But more than just the syllabus, I want to teach people to love and care. I want to love and care about people. This is very Ms Universe/World but seriously, I'm not kidding. But, it still doesn't help me. I mean, to want to teach is one thing. But what is it do I really want to teach? How do I wish to teach? Who do I wish to teach? Why do I wish to teach? Before the want, I need to answer these other questions.

Gee...hitting oneself on the forehead is a stupid idea. THAT is crystal clear to me.

tame doves

jinak-jinak merpati, bila dekat mesti, confirm lari punyer...

There is this old malay saying about how pigeons/doves...how they appear so friendly but when you try to get hold of them, they'll fly away...this is with reference to people...usually girls...how girls appear so friendly but when you kinda try to get closer, they'll run away...something to that effect lah...

Anyhow, the phrase seems rather familiar of late. I realize that I am one of those merpatis...And it kinda applies to one and all...Generally, most folks will describe me as a friendly person but it's not particularly easy trying to get closer coz I have this thing about personal space...I like mine. A lot. And I like it private.

It's no wonder that eventually be it cousins or friends, I kinda drift away from them...I just don't quite like the whole buddy-buddy pal-pal system. In fact, I think the reason why I'm such good friends with my bozos from secondary school is precisely because they're like that too. We all love our own personal spaces too much to annoy each other. We actually like doing things separately. And to that end, we have a very interesting friendship which some may find weird. An example...a movie outing among us could possibly mean that we watch different movies at the same time...Even if it means that some of us might wind up being lone rangers but seriously, that never bothered us.

Funny.

Oh...this is in itself a revelation to me. So, erm, yeah...

Toodles!

instrument

Instrument.

It seems that this word sums up the recent things quite nicely. Allow me to explain -

It's the SYF season again! For the uninitiated, SYF is also known as the Singapore Youth Festival and every two years, concert bands take a shot at getting the gold medal. I was part of one such band many, many years ago. The practices, the scoldings, the pressure...It was unreal. I remember wanting to quit many a time but I never could bring myself to do so. I was a scared, egoistic shithead. Go figure. Well, I took a looksie at the following site and what dya know, it's a gold yet again. Surprise, surprise. Somehow I recall that I wasn't that confident years back when I was put in the shoes of the performer. However, once a band girl, always a band girl they say and erm, I guess there's some truth in that. A friend's doing some band-related stuff and somehow, talking about it came so naturally...I guess, in spite of the everything, I loved band. So yeah, and to think the whole conversation started with a simple "instrument".

On another note, another colleague seems to be in some kinda mood swing. He sees himself as an instrument, a tool used by others. Honestly, it's crap lah...to a certain extent, he is indeed an incredibly intelligent and talented person which means that he would unwittingly attract folks seeking some kinda help. I mean, he's "the guru" but seriously, he's not a tool. At least not to some of us. He's instrumental to the programme we're conducting, not the used instrument.

And yes, it's me again. I kinda feel like an instrument at times. But then, perhaps, I'm just like my colleague...it's all in the mind. It isn't a pleasant feeling but I guess you really need to take two steps back to take it all in. Just to make sure that things make sense. Then perhaps, you won't feel so used after all.

Adios.

evolution of self

gee. second post within a half hour. i must be caffeinated.

this isn't exactly a rambly, whiney one. erm, i take that back. it might be. let me just get on with it, eh?

I read stuff about someone's relationship with her family. I've been reading it for a while now...macam takde kerja lain...Anyhow, I'm amazed by the closeness of the family and the sweet relationships she has with her elders. Pretty amazing, really.

Naturally, being a typical female, a whole barrage of emotions whirled through my every being. Not just emotions really, but thoughts, memories...everything that can possibly engage my five plus plus senses just did a mini eruption. It's like different parts of me were reacting to the entry in different ways. As mentioned, the person's been writing about these things for a while but the recent entry about her r/s with her dad's what really a key trigger factor here. So, let me explain my innerworkings -

Now, there's this mini-me in me (i.e. the inner child and I'm not talking about a foetus) who felt a sudden emptiness as though she's lost something precious. If I have to recall a precise memory to go with this, it would be the time when I knew I would never see my stinky bald baby doll again. You kinda wish you had it back and you're practically demanding that it does but you know it won't happen so you just feel rather empty. I guess, it brought back memories of me and my dad and how I know that things have changed and I genuinely miss those times. It's quite painful actually, come to think of it. To think that we dismiss nothing as nothing...Funny.

Then, there's the rebel in me. That teenager who refuses to grow up. That teenager who knows that things have changed. That teenager who knows that she is responsible for the change. That teenager who is aware that she could have made a difference. But that same teenager is also very egoistic and self-centered. There is no chance in hell or heaven, for that matter, that this teenager will allow herself to be seen as vulnerable. And, to express emotions such that things could potentially go back to the mini-me moments would mean vulnerability. At least that is what the teenager insists. Hence, the teenager keeps things locked up within her. Suppressed. The only feeling she is willing to release is anger. Because anger helps her pride stay intact. Or at least, that's what she believes. As a teenager, pride is everything and anger is all that you need. That entry just got that part angrier...because that's the only way she knows how to react. Problem is, she doesn't quite know who or what she is actually angry with or about.

But of course, that's not it. There is yet another we have to visit. The semi-adult. The semi-adult outgrew the vulnerability and the angst but not the egoism. As much as the semi-adult realizes that the picture painted in the entry is an ideal that she should work towards, she does not seem to want to do it. She knows she should. She understands that as a young adult, as a Muslim, as a human being, as a child, that is her job. However, that semi-adult's still too egoistic to do anything, preferring to stick with the notion that "it's too late. forget it" even though her own conscience is close to knocking her out.

The semi-adult was probably influenced by the loner. That selfish core that has characterized the real person. The loner does not wish to answer to anyone. The loner believes that being alone means that she is free. Free of obligations...free to choose...and most importantly, free of the expectations of others. The loner prefers solitude because it is within herself that she feels most at ease. Safe. Secure. So, the loner believes that distance is the key. Hence, in spite of what the mini-me might feel, regardless of the suppression that the teenager has to endure and the plagued conscience of the semi-adult, the loner still holds firmly to her belief that to be alone is ultimately the best way to survive.

Which brings us to me. I am that loner. I choose to be one. Yet, the emptiness can be so overwhelming and I just want to retreat into my mini-me. But, I honestly believe that this could potentially be the best way. Being close to people...I tend to hurt them. Through my words, actions or my non-actions...But if others expect nothing from me, then I can do no harm, right? Hence, isn't aloofness a solution?

I've used that for years. It's been working thus far. However, I think I might be growing out of it. I don't wish to be a loner for the rest of my life. Somehow, I got to find a way to balance out the different sides to me. I know certain things will stay - the mini-me, the teenager, the semi-adult and even that loner...but I think another me has to be developed. One who can bring all the others together. I don't think I've found her yet. Or perhaps, it's just she, who has not found me.

funny how an entry can trigger such thoughts.

all in all, i miss my past but i am reluctant to reclaim it.

ramblings

Don't quite know what's coming over me. It's midnight and I've chosen to start writing in my blog. Perhaps, it's just the coffee. But I think it's just really me.

I'm not in one of those depressed states, if that's what you're thinking. In fact, my mind is pretty clear at the moment. It's just that sometimes, the brain works when it's not supposed to and I guess this is one of those times. Honestly, I'm just rambling, aren't I?

I am not an intellectual. I will not pretend to be one. I mean, it's quite easy really...all I got to do is to latch on to some major event like some bomb scare or be an amateur Erin Br-something...then again, wasn't she technically an amateur? Heck lah, bottomline is that I don't quite care about those stuff.

Actually, I wasn't always like this. I used to actually give a flying fish. I recall hours spent just debating the rights of this and that. Looking back at who I was, I don't even recognize me. In fact, I think I'm cringing. There's just something really weird about uptight, self-righteous buffoons. Oh yeah, and I was one of them.

What happened?

I guess growing up happened. This is lame, isn't it? I realize that most of my entries center on this issue. And this alone. In fact, I've even noted it down most of the time. Yet, lookie here...same old issue. I feel so...recycled...oh, but then again, that might be a good thing considering that the world is basically coming to an end what with all the global alarm bells ringing...so hmmm...Honestly, are you really surprised about the whole phenomenon? We really had it coming. Seriously. Gee, should have paid more attention to Captain Planet after all instead of those damned turtles in a half-shell. I mean, lookie here...which is cooler? Blue dude with penchant for preaching or cowabunga toxic teenaged mutants?

My powers of digressing have yet to diminish, I see. Crap.

So much for growing up.

Gosh, now I feel like some angst-driven, emo-punk freak who thinks that being effed up is cool. In fact, I think I'm beginning to sound (not literally) like one.

Cut it, dude.

You know, part of me thinks this is a charade while another insists that this is me. Seriously, which is it? I'm not too certain either at this point. Had I been drinking alcohol instead of coffee, it'd be so easy to point the finger at the poisoned nectar. However, this is not the case. Hence, I'm either super-caffeinated, insane or mebbe just confused.

Somehow, none seem to be an accurate description of what I feel at this precise moment. I honestly doubt I'm insane. I'm way too logical for that. I mean, I get crazy ideas and can do potentially wacky things at the most absurd of moments, but I retain full possession of control over myself so erm, that doesn't seem like something a mad person's capable of doing. Though, I'm not too certain either exactly what a mad person is capable of doing lah. You'll have to be mad to figure that out. And right now, I've not been diagnosed as one.

I don't think I'm confused either. I might have been so at different stages but at this moment, I'm pretty clear as to who I am. Though, I seem to have a problem expressing it. Part of it stems from my inability to fully put into words some of the intricacies that make me me. Another part happens to be the fact that being the wacko that I am at times, most people just don't get me anyway so why the eff should I bother explaining me? In fact, even when I try, some folks just wave it off. Like it doesn't matter. Like I don't matter. And to that end, I actually get quite pissed. I mean, don't judge me unless you know me. Don't effin' assume you know me coz you don't. Even I take time to figure me out so please, don't be an effin' moron.

Oh yes, there's also another potential reason why I have problems expressing who I am. Honestly speaking, it's because I do not want you to know me. There are parts of me I wish for no one to know. Seriously. No, I'm not a closet gay. That part's pretty clear to me but there are stuff that I like keeping private. Be it good or bad. Some things are just not meant to be shared.

Overall, I get misunderstood. I don't blame anyone. I know that it's partially due to my own actions.

Just one thing though that I've come to realize at the end of all these ramblings - There may be things I do not wish for you to know about me but that doesn't mean I would not appreciate you trying to figure it out.

There now. That's a little brainwheedler for you.

Toodles.

backtracked

I love you. Or at least, I'm very close to it.

I'm not trying to be iffy. I just am not sure about these things. So, why should I pretend to know, right?

But anyhow. Moving on. Or rather, moving back.

I'm very close to being in love with you.

This is not something that I have sought to achieve as some kind of lifelong ambition. It's an emotion that I have no control over. None whatsoever. I honestly don't even know when I started to develop feelings for you. I do recall that no such emotions existed the first time I got to know you a good 5 years ago. In fact, none existed for the next twelve months thereafter. And then...

Oh well, I'm not too sure what happened but...something just crept in and nestled within me.

Uninvited. Unnoticed. Unwanted.

Now that it's there. I can't tell it to go. It has its own mind. I have no control over it. I can only control my actions. But emotions? No one can honestly say that they have control over their emotions. They may be able to control their actions but never how they feel. There is a dif.

Anyhow, please tell me what to do.

subconcious

I dreamt I had P.E. *shudder*

whirl

It is a good job. It can indeed be rewarding in a way that other jobs will never be able to match up to.

But the price to pay is a little too high. The emotional roller coaster can leave you a complete wreck. It isn't even funny.

I'm just feeling a little torn. Part of me's relieved that the subject did ok. However, I can't help but just feel completely dampened given the circumstances. I will give up my 100% for more of my kids to qualify for uni. But as it stands, this is it.

So, even as everyone around congratulates us for jobs well done, seriously, does it matter? What is the point in a tiny group of teachers looking good if a big group of kids are crying their hearts out?

But...I am going to take whatever good that came out of this. I will not reject the pat on the back. But, forgive me if I'm less than ecstatic. Forgive me if I can't help but feel rather worn out.

*
Today has been a funny day. I have managed to laugh, smile, ponder, giggle, cry and frown. Most importantly, at least I know that I still feel.

bosses

My Big Boss is a dumb show-off.
My Not-So-Big Boss is a tai-chi master show-off.
My Not-Big-But-Act-Big Boss is a pain in the butt.
My Wanna-be-Boss colleague is a bootlicking sneak.

crestfallen

It's funny how something that has long passed me by can still make me cry...

I mean, it's over, right? Over and done with. There is nothing I can do to change the past. Nothing at all. Time wasn't meant to be turned back. I'm not Hermione and this is definitely no Wizarding World. I know this. (Duh.)

Yet, why am I still affected by it? Why is it so difficult to shake off this feeling of helplessness?

I'm just sad...Just sad.

I love my kiddos. With all my heart. Everything I have ever done, I have tried to do it for their benefit. Even when the choice I make is harsh, I do so with the best of intentions. I do so because I care. Sometimes, the decisions I make leave me with this guilty shadow that follows me around until I realize that I cannot presume to think that I know best because I don't. Allah knows best. Whatever I do, my actions mean nothing to students without Allah's will. And if He has willed it to be so, there has to be a silver lining to it all.

Anyway, my point is that, I love my kiddos. They make me smile and cringe and cry but at least they keep me from turning into a piece of unfeeling stone. They make me fall in and out of love all the time and somehow or other, that manages to keep me human.

Yet...all these don't seem to matter. What matters would be how much have I trumpeted to the world today? Is the worldwide web aware of my contributions? They have to be. Or, every single thing just does not matter.

Dear H,

I trusted you. I trusted you.

I bared my insecurities and admitted to my errors with the understanding that you empathized with what I was going through. That you could see how I had to struggle. That you were aware that in spite of all the crap, I loved my kiddos. I thought you knew that. In fact, you did, didn't you?

Then, how could you have done what you did to me? How could you have hurt me the way you did? I trusted you.

The thing is...the one you had held up to the skies...the one you were so proud of...that one...THAT VERY ONE...Once you left, gave an impression of YOU being the confused and inefficient one. The one you care so much about...turned his back on you. The one you chose to believe over the one who was struggling to just be herself.

In spite of it all, I don't blame you. You had your reasons and I was definitely no angel. If anything, I think I've learnt a lesson here - Eff the system. Eff the whole effin' place. This has but strengthened my resolve to find a way out. To leave when I get the chance.

It's just sad though because I really love my kiddos.

I love them.

If only you could see that. But then again, you did and...

You did not care.

Sincerely,
Crestfallen

Dear Me...

Innercrap Loonie Loopywheedles. What in the world is going on in your head?

I thought you, of all people, should know better. You are behaving like an idiot. A genuine, one of a kind fool.

Stop smiling, for goodness sake. Wipe that loopy grin off your face and think about what you are doing. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? Apa yang kau buat ni? Crap, it's really time to grow up. You're 26 this year. You can't behave the way you are behaving anymore. You are not a child anymore. You're not even a teenager. You can't even call yourself a young adult when you're beyond the quarter century mark...

Crap...Stop being crappy.

even then, this loopy grin stays on my face...though my thoughts are still in a whirl in my head...what am I to do? I'd figure that out eventually but for now...i can't stop smiling...

A special note to Arseholes

My dear, pathetic little creatures, I almost feel sorry for you. You probably have no idea what you're getting yourself into. You thought I was going to sit back and be docile as I have been for the past two years. You thought I was going to submit myself to the rubbish of everything and soak up all the filthy shit that you throw up. You thought I was a pushover.

You thought wrong.

I have never really been forceful or aggressive the past couple of years because I never saw the need to be so. I have no desire to climb whatever ladder of success, yadda yadda yadda...I am only interested in my primary duty. I have made myself explicitly clear on that. And you, being the foolish, naive and misguided arsehole that you are, thought that I would then be an easy target. Especially since I don't seem to have anything that I wished to gain.

My dear darlings, I may not have anything to gain but that would mean that I also have nothing to lose. And that's your mistake. You have severely underestimated how much more empowered I am precisely because I have nothing to lose.

You have messed with the wrong person. Now for every trick you attempt to play on me, I will match it two times over. And we will play out this game till the very end. I am not into politics. And I'm not about to start just because of you. However, if you ever put me in a position of a stepping stone for yourself, you are going to find yourself in trouble. I will make sure you regret it. If you wish to climb your spastic ladder, go find some other route. Don't you dare use me. You will not find the results favourable.

This is just the beginning. It will end here if you end it here. However, if you insist on pursuing whatever it is that you want to pursue in such a despicable and underhanded manner, I think it's only fair that I warn you that you will be in for a little discomfort, to say the least.

The game's on.

Remember, you need to win this because I have nothing to lose.

Regards.

just wanted to drop by to say HI.