evolution of self

gee. second post within a half hour. i must be caffeinated.

this isn't exactly a rambly, whiney one. erm, i take that back. it might be. let me just get on with it, eh?

I read stuff about someone's relationship with her family. I've been reading it for a while now...macam takde kerja lain...Anyhow, I'm amazed by the closeness of the family and the sweet relationships she has with her elders. Pretty amazing, really.

Naturally, being a typical female, a whole barrage of emotions whirled through my every being. Not just emotions really, but thoughts, memories...everything that can possibly engage my five plus plus senses just did a mini eruption. It's like different parts of me were reacting to the entry in different ways. As mentioned, the person's been writing about these things for a while but the recent entry about her r/s with her dad's what really a key trigger factor here. So, let me explain my innerworkings -

Now, there's this mini-me in me (i.e. the inner child and I'm not talking about a foetus) who felt a sudden emptiness as though she's lost something precious. If I have to recall a precise memory to go with this, it would be the time when I knew I would never see my stinky bald baby doll again. You kinda wish you had it back and you're practically demanding that it does but you know it won't happen so you just feel rather empty. I guess, it brought back memories of me and my dad and how I know that things have changed and I genuinely miss those times. It's quite painful actually, come to think of it. To think that we dismiss nothing as nothing...Funny.

Then, there's the rebel in me. That teenager who refuses to grow up. That teenager who knows that things have changed. That teenager who knows that she is responsible for the change. That teenager who is aware that she could have made a difference. But that same teenager is also very egoistic and self-centered. There is no chance in hell or heaven, for that matter, that this teenager will allow herself to be seen as vulnerable. And, to express emotions such that things could potentially go back to the mini-me moments would mean vulnerability. At least that is what the teenager insists. Hence, the teenager keeps things locked up within her. Suppressed. The only feeling she is willing to release is anger. Because anger helps her pride stay intact. Or at least, that's what she believes. As a teenager, pride is everything and anger is all that you need. That entry just got that part angrier...because that's the only way she knows how to react. Problem is, she doesn't quite know who or what she is actually angry with or about.

But of course, that's not it. There is yet another we have to visit. The semi-adult. The semi-adult outgrew the vulnerability and the angst but not the egoism. As much as the semi-adult realizes that the picture painted in the entry is an ideal that she should work towards, she does not seem to want to do it. She knows she should. She understands that as a young adult, as a Muslim, as a human being, as a child, that is her job. However, that semi-adult's still too egoistic to do anything, preferring to stick with the notion that "it's too late. forget it" even though her own conscience is close to knocking her out.

The semi-adult was probably influenced by the loner. That selfish core that has characterized the real person. The loner does not wish to answer to anyone. The loner believes that being alone means that she is free. Free of obligations...free to choose...and most importantly, free of the expectations of others. The loner prefers solitude because it is within herself that she feels most at ease. Safe. Secure. So, the loner believes that distance is the key. Hence, in spite of what the mini-me might feel, regardless of the suppression that the teenager has to endure and the plagued conscience of the semi-adult, the loner still holds firmly to her belief that to be alone is ultimately the best way to survive.

Which brings us to me. I am that loner. I choose to be one. Yet, the emptiness can be so overwhelming and I just want to retreat into my mini-me. But, I honestly believe that this could potentially be the best way. Being close to people...I tend to hurt them. Through my words, actions or my non-actions...But if others expect nothing from me, then I can do no harm, right? Hence, isn't aloofness a solution?

I've used that for years. It's been working thus far. However, I think I might be growing out of it. I don't wish to be a loner for the rest of my life. Somehow, I got to find a way to balance out the different sides to me. I know certain things will stay - the mini-me, the teenager, the semi-adult and even that loner...but I think another me has to be developed. One who can bring all the others together. I don't think I've found her yet. Or perhaps, it's just she, who has not found me.

funny how an entry can trigger such thoughts.

all in all, i miss my past but i am reluctant to reclaim it.

ramblings

Don't quite know what's coming over me. It's midnight and I've chosen to start writing in my blog. Perhaps, it's just the coffee. But I think it's just really me.

I'm not in one of those depressed states, if that's what you're thinking. In fact, my mind is pretty clear at the moment. It's just that sometimes, the brain works when it's not supposed to and I guess this is one of those times. Honestly, I'm just rambling, aren't I?

I am not an intellectual. I will not pretend to be one. I mean, it's quite easy really...all I got to do is to latch on to some major event like some bomb scare or be an amateur Erin Br-something...then again, wasn't she technically an amateur? Heck lah, bottomline is that I don't quite care about those stuff.

Actually, I wasn't always like this. I used to actually give a flying fish. I recall hours spent just debating the rights of this and that. Looking back at who I was, I don't even recognize me. In fact, I think I'm cringing. There's just something really weird about uptight, self-righteous buffoons. Oh yeah, and I was one of them.

What happened?

I guess growing up happened. This is lame, isn't it? I realize that most of my entries center on this issue. And this alone. In fact, I've even noted it down most of the time. Yet, lookie here...same old issue. I feel so...recycled...oh, but then again, that might be a good thing considering that the world is basically coming to an end what with all the global alarm bells ringing...so hmmm...Honestly, are you really surprised about the whole phenomenon? We really had it coming. Seriously. Gee, should have paid more attention to Captain Planet after all instead of those damned turtles in a half-shell. I mean, lookie here...which is cooler? Blue dude with penchant for preaching or cowabunga toxic teenaged mutants?

My powers of digressing have yet to diminish, I see. Crap.

So much for growing up.

Gosh, now I feel like some angst-driven, emo-punk freak who thinks that being effed up is cool. In fact, I think I'm beginning to sound (not literally) like one.

Cut it, dude.

You know, part of me thinks this is a charade while another insists that this is me. Seriously, which is it? I'm not too certain either at this point. Had I been drinking alcohol instead of coffee, it'd be so easy to point the finger at the poisoned nectar. However, this is not the case. Hence, I'm either super-caffeinated, insane or mebbe just confused.

Somehow, none seem to be an accurate description of what I feel at this precise moment. I honestly doubt I'm insane. I'm way too logical for that. I mean, I get crazy ideas and can do potentially wacky things at the most absurd of moments, but I retain full possession of control over myself so erm, that doesn't seem like something a mad person's capable of doing. Though, I'm not too certain either exactly what a mad person is capable of doing lah. You'll have to be mad to figure that out. And right now, I've not been diagnosed as one.

I don't think I'm confused either. I might have been so at different stages but at this moment, I'm pretty clear as to who I am. Though, I seem to have a problem expressing it. Part of it stems from my inability to fully put into words some of the intricacies that make me me. Another part happens to be the fact that being the wacko that I am at times, most people just don't get me anyway so why the eff should I bother explaining me? In fact, even when I try, some folks just wave it off. Like it doesn't matter. Like I don't matter. And to that end, I actually get quite pissed. I mean, don't judge me unless you know me. Don't effin' assume you know me coz you don't. Even I take time to figure me out so please, don't be an effin' moron.

Oh yes, there's also another potential reason why I have problems expressing who I am. Honestly speaking, it's because I do not want you to know me. There are parts of me I wish for no one to know. Seriously. No, I'm not a closet gay. That part's pretty clear to me but there are stuff that I like keeping private. Be it good or bad. Some things are just not meant to be shared.

Overall, I get misunderstood. I don't blame anyone. I know that it's partially due to my own actions.

Just one thing though that I've come to realize at the end of all these ramblings - There may be things I do not wish for you to know about me but that doesn't mean I would not appreciate you trying to figure it out.

There now. That's a little brainwheedler for you.

Toodles.