backtracked

I love you. Or at least, I'm very close to it.

I'm not trying to be iffy. I just am not sure about these things. So, why should I pretend to know, right?

But anyhow. Moving on. Or rather, moving back.

I'm very close to being in love with you.

This is not something that I have sought to achieve as some kind of lifelong ambition. It's an emotion that I have no control over. None whatsoever. I honestly don't even know when I started to develop feelings for you. I do recall that no such emotions existed the first time I got to know you a good 5 years ago. In fact, none existed for the next twelve months thereafter. And then...

Oh well, I'm not too sure what happened but...something just crept in and nestled within me.

Uninvited. Unnoticed. Unwanted.

Now that it's there. I can't tell it to go. It has its own mind. I have no control over it. I can only control my actions. But emotions? No one can honestly say that they have control over their emotions. They may be able to control their actions but never how they feel. There is a dif.

Anyhow, please tell me what to do.

subconcious

I dreamt I had P.E. *shudder*

whirl

It is a good job. It can indeed be rewarding in a way that other jobs will never be able to match up to.

But the price to pay is a little too high. The emotional roller coaster can leave you a complete wreck. It isn't even funny.

I'm just feeling a little torn. Part of me's relieved that the subject did ok. However, I can't help but just feel completely dampened given the circumstances. I will give up my 100% for more of my kids to qualify for uni. But as it stands, this is it.

So, even as everyone around congratulates us for jobs well done, seriously, does it matter? What is the point in a tiny group of teachers looking good if a big group of kids are crying their hearts out?

But...I am going to take whatever good that came out of this. I will not reject the pat on the back. But, forgive me if I'm less than ecstatic. Forgive me if I can't help but feel rather worn out.

*
Today has been a funny day. I have managed to laugh, smile, ponder, giggle, cry and frown. Most importantly, at least I know that I still feel.

bosses

My Big Boss is a dumb show-off.
My Not-So-Big Boss is a tai-chi master show-off.
My Not-Big-But-Act-Big Boss is a pain in the butt.
My Wanna-be-Boss colleague is a bootlicking sneak.

crestfallen

It's funny how something that has long passed me by can still make me cry...

I mean, it's over, right? Over and done with. There is nothing I can do to change the past. Nothing at all. Time wasn't meant to be turned back. I'm not Hermione and this is definitely no Wizarding World. I know this. (Duh.)

Yet, why am I still affected by it? Why is it so difficult to shake off this feeling of helplessness?

I'm just sad...Just sad.

I love my kiddos. With all my heart. Everything I have ever done, I have tried to do it for their benefit. Even when the choice I make is harsh, I do so with the best of intentions. I do so because I care. Sometimes, the decisions I make leave me with this guilty shadow that follows me around until I realize that I cannot presume to think that I know best because I don't. Allah knows best. Whatever I do, my actions mean nothing to students without Allah's will. And if He has willed it to be so, there has to be a silver lining to it all.

Anyway, my point is that, I love my kiddos. They make me smile and cringe and cry but at least they keep me from turning into a piece of unfeeling stone. They make me fall in and out of love all the time and somehow or other, that manages to keep me human.

Yet...all these don't seem to matter. What matters would be how much have I trumpeted to the world today? Is the worldwide web aware of my contributions? They have to be. Or, every single thing just does not matter.

Dear H,

I trusted you. I trusted you.

I bared my insecurities and admitted to my errors with the understanding that you empathized with what I was going through. That you could see how I had to struggle. That you were aware that in spite of all the crap, I loved my kiddos. I thought you knew that. In fact, you did, didn't you?

Then, how could you have done what you did to me? How could you have hurt me the way you did? I trusted you.

The thing is...the one you had held up to the skies...the one you were so proud of...that one...THAT VERY ONE...Once you left, gave an impression of YOU being the confused and inefficient one. The one you care so much about...turned his back on you. The one you chose to believe over the one who was struggling to just be herself.

In spite of it all, I don't blame you. You had your reasons and I was definitely no angel. If anything, I think I've learnt a lesson here - Eff the system. Eff the whole effin' place. This has but strengthened my resolve to find a way out. To leave when I get the chance.

It's just sad though because I really love my kiddos.

I love them.

If only you could see that. But then again, you did and...

You did not care.

Sincerely,
Crestfallen

Dear Me...

Innercrap Loonie Loopywheedles. What in the world is going on in your head?

I thought you, of all people, should know better. You are behaving like an idiot. A genuine, one of a kind fool.

Stop smiling, for goodness sake. Wipe that loopy grin off your face and think about what you are doing. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? Apa yang kau buat ni? Crap, it's really time to grow up. You're 26 this year. You can't behave the way you are behaving anymore. You are not a child anymore. You're not even a teenager. You can't even call yourself a young adult when you're beyond the quarter century mark...

Crap...Stop being crappy.

even then, this loopy grin stays on my face...though my thoughts are still in a whirl in my head...what am I to do? I'd figure that out eventually but for now...i can't stop smiling...

A special note to Arseholes

My dear, pathetic little creatures, I almost feel sorry for you. You probably have no idea what you're getting yourself into. You thought I was going to sit back and be docile as I have been for the past two years. You thought I was going to submit myself to the rubbish of everything and soak up all the filthy shit that you throw up. You thought I was a pushover.

You thought wrong.

I have never really been forceful or aggressive the past couple of years because I never saw the need to be so. I have no desire to climb whatever ladder of success, yadda yadda yadda...I am only interested in my primary duty. I have made myself explicitly clear on that. And you, being the foolish, naive and misguided arsehole that you are, thought that I would then be an easy target. Especially since I don't seem to have anything that I wished to gain.

My dear darlings, I may not have anything to gain but that would mean that I also have nothing to lose. And that's your mistake. You have severely underestimated how much more empowered I am precisely because I have nothing to lose.

You have messed with the wrong person. Now for every trick you attempt to play on me, I will match it two times over. And we will play out this game till the very end. I am not into politics. And I'm not about to start just because of you. However, if you ever put me in a position of a stepping stone for yourself, you are going to find yourself in trouble. I will make sure you regret it. If you wish to climb your spastic ladder, go find some other route. Don't you dare use me. You will not find the results favourable.

This is just the beginning. It will end here if you end it here. However, if you insist on pursuing whatever it is that you want to pursue in such a despicable and underhanded manner, I think it's only fair that I warn you that you will be in for a little discomfort, to say the least.

The game's on.

Remember, you need to win this because I have nothing to lose.

Regards.

just wanted to drop by to say HI.

detached mode

weird thoughts. ewwww...seriously...ewwww. can't type it out. it's just too ewwww.

anyway, my table's been "nominated" as a finalist in a beauty contest for tables. and i'm supposed to market it. uhuh. eeyup. can't i just let the thing speak for itself? like seriously, pictures paint thousands of words so...let them speak!!! anyhow, i'd take snapshots of my own cozy corner and you can judge for yourself if it's worthy of being a beauty queen. yech.

i'm kinda tired today. quite a bit of travelling to do today. here, there and everywhere it would seem. anyhow, i made folks happy. it was chocy day!!! and i was given chocies too thanks to mr super duper nice dude. seriously, he's the nicest guy i know and erm, i'm one of the meanest people to them, erm, non-fairer sex so when i say he's nice, i mean it. sometimes, i think he gets pushed around and you kinda want to throttle him for allowing himself to be used as such but because he's so bloody nice, you can't bring yourself to do it. in fact, when i first joined the place, i used to tease the folks around me relentlessly. he was one of those i teased. but after a while, i couldn't bear being so un-nice to him. i still tease him but not as mercilessly as before. he's just that nice.

actually, since i'm talking about work...i might as well blabber on about the this-and-thats of my working world. i've got great colleagues. seriously. i mean, there're always those occasional arseholes and beetches but i've managed to find pretty good friends in a number of my colleagues. i'm rather chameleon-ish. i can get along with most folks and my interests can be a little, diversified. so, in a funny way, i manage to find a way of connecting to different people in different ways and somehow or other, we become pretty fast friends. i'm not saying that they're the bestest friends in the world but having folks to talk to about mindless things just makes things a heck of a lot nicer at work.

i will miss this place when i go. i definitely will. i have found friends here but, i'd always be able to make new ones. it's a bit of a torture lah to do so all over again but c'est la vie. i'll survive.

oh...i don't believe in best friends. just so u know. i believe in good friends but not best buds. there just ain't no such thing in my book. perhaps, it's part of the detachment that makes me me.

u know how people turn to different things to "survive"? well, one of the means in which i do so is to detach myself from the people i care about, especially when times are particularly rough. i don't quite know how to explain it. i just find myself alone. as in, i find solace in being alone. it's one of those things i hold very dear. i don't do the exchange of emotions thing. i mean, sometimes, i find myself lying straight-faced and all. folks will ask, how things were going or trying to give some kind of comfort in times of shitness but erm...most times, i lie about how i'm doing. i just whackify things. and sometimes, people get the impression that i'm quite a goondu (fool) or worse, a bimbo but i don't give crap about what they think. but, i guess it can get a little misleading and at times, i want to kick myself for not being honest but it has become a freakin' reflex action to basically lie, or to put it in more politically correct terms, hide the truth. i suck at handling emotions lah...especially my own. it's such a pain. and i creep out when i hear things like "getting in touch with your emotions". it just CREEPS THE CREEPIES out of me.

funny. i'm being emo, aren't i? real funny for the detached.

thanks

there are currently two things that i look forward to each week (and i am NOT talking about American Idol. don't even mention The Dance Floor.) i feel happy and lightened at the end of each session and it keeps me very much engaged. oh, before i proceed further, i'd just explain what these two things happen to be - counselling course and guitar lessons.

you see, i'm down for a counselling course once a week (make that a week nite) for the next 2 - 3 months. basically, i'm learning the practical aspects of counselling so there's no heavy duty psycho stuff. it's all pretty light and most importantly, it is PRACTICAL. a lot of things make sense and i'm becoming increasingly self-aware. in a way, i'm practically counselling myself at the end of each session as i go back and reflect on the things that were discussed in class. the 2 hr plus plus sessions always manage to whizz by even when i'm actually feeling incredibly tired.

as for the guitar sessions, i'm beginning to not be so pathetic at it although i believe that certain chords should just disappear and never ever come back to haunt me. i don't get those painful calluses anymore and erm, i'm actually learning SONGS. hehehe...oh yeah, and of course, my instructor's pretty nice and sometimes, we wind up bitching about our work in the midst of the guitar thing so it's really a stress-reliever of sorts.

which brings me to something that i might have not quite noticed as clearly before this - i love learning. i'm a natural student and i enjoy absorbing information and the reflection and practice that come with it. it's just a very therapeutic and enriching experience to be able to learn...understand...and basically, master something new. i love it. and it helps that i enjoy both guitar as well as counselling.

which brings me to the next thing that i've recently become more aware of - i enjoy counselling. i honestly enjoy learning about how to help others and i look forward to the opportunity to apply what i've learnt. the more i learn about counselling, the more i feel that i should possibly go further into that area. given that this is a basic course, there's no diploma or degree or whatever but it has given me some ideas on things that i wish to pursue should i go back to my books. in fact, i think i would really like to take up a diploma in counselling and from there pursue a degree and eventually a masters'. okok...the last two bits are kinda tall orders especially since i have a penchant for changing my mind. however, i'm pretty serious about taking up at least a diploma course.

so yeah...i'm rather contented at the moment and in spite of the crazy schedules and unending flow of work that drifts happily to my desk, i can honestly say that i'm happy. this is a far cry from last year and i am thankful for that. i am well aware that things can take a turn for craziness at any time but for now, i'm just grateful for the opportunity to not just breathe, but to enjoy myself.

alhamdulillah.

silly fool

can't believe that i'm a fool again...

i can be so foolish at times. in fact, i'm so incredibly foolish most times. the idiotic part of it all is that even as i'm in the act of being foolish, i am actually aware of it and thus that makes me twice as foolish!

aarrgghh.

on another note, i had an interesting day. molten chocolate cake...yummmmmm....

masked

fear. what is your greatest fear? what is mine?

***
again, the mask appears. it has to.

grit

new pick new pick... hehehe...

got two new oinkies to replace lost ones...

***
so far so good...things look alright...kiddos are ok and erm, things are alright...heart's a little lighter and erm, i've got oodles to think about...so, yeah...

this year's going to be one of many changes. last year had been one of those uncomfortable settling down periods you know? when you don't quite fit in anywhere and things seem to be shifting here and there preparing for a change that has not come and so, being stuck in such a situation makes things rather crappy. this year, there will be change. certain things have already happened and i welcome them, grateful for the change. i have no doubt that there will be incredible challenges in the future months but i'm determined to hang on and i will. i will survive. in fact, i've got something to prove. last year, i was a disappointment. it was like the year when i effed up. this time, i'm hitting back. i'm going to prove me to me and then, i will leave. with a bang.

if you've ever doubted me in anyway or thought lightly of what or who i am, think again because i'm hitting back. this is the me you don't normally see but then again, this is the reason why i have always survived. because, when i've hit rock bottom, the only way i know how to go is to blast myself right up. i am going to make things right. i have to. i need to. i have to prove it to me. i refuse to be a disappointment.

you won't even know what hit you.

Tongue-tied.

07012007

i'm pretty blessed now, aren't i?

well, i've been witnessing or hearing about accidents here and there. oh well...anyway, got into a little one of my own. just a little one. so i've got bumps and bruises all over but seriously, i think i got off pretty well. let's count my blessings:

1. i was wearing long pants (duh) so the knee could have been worse.
2. long sleeves so again, the elbow and shoulder stuff could have been worse.
3. almost wore specs which i ditched at the last minute which again meant that i could have snapped it and cut my face or something. the vainpot in me would never have forgiven me for that.
4. the bump on the head was so high up that it's hidden behind my fringe which thankfully exists such that again, the vainpot in me has nothing to complain about.
5. i got an mc. :O)
6. when i went to get a replacement pair for my ripped pants, i actually managed to get the last pair which was thankfully in my size. incredible, eh? and at half price at that.
7. went to clinic to see fren's supposed cute doctor who wasn't in but what dya know? the other doc was cute too. :OP

i got several more blessings but hey...i'd stop here. so, have a great day!

cannot lah...

gee. my first stir of the year.

went for a wedding earlier. saw many familiar faces. frens from secondary. from jc. from uni. from long-ago but never forgotten trips. from wherever else i can't quite recall.

people have changed quite incredibly. it's nice to see them. at least, most of them.

which brings us to him. he's not an ex-boyfriend or anything of that sort. he's a friend. someone whom i might have referred to in a prev post or something. i don't know why ok...but aiyah...simply put, i like him. but i also know that it isn't healthy to keep such thoughts so i kinda shove them away. and it kinda works.

however, seeing him there, with you in the flesh makes it incredibly hard. furthermore, it did not help that people kept commenting we looked like a couple (like hell we did) and a friend obviously trying to "stir" things up. it did not help that we hung out after the wedding and there being 4 folks and 2 cars, i wound up taking his. it did not help that he sent me home. it just didn't help and thus, this always happens. this is a feeling of confusion, heart playing the drums, uneasiness and a sense of wistfulness. macam, this is so effin' unreal. it's a very uncertain kinda feeling and frankly dudes, it's not something i enjoy.

i need to get it out of my system. seriously. u got a plan?

2007

so, it's the start of the new work year.

deep breaths...here we go...

closed

the year is winding down to a close. even as i'm typing this, the seconds are ticking away and a whole new work year will soon be upon me. my heart's been beating a little faster than usual and it will probably get quicker. you know that dread feeling i've been having? it hasn't really gone away but i have to admit that it was nice to see my colleagues after a long while. in a funny way, i actually missed them. i don't quite know what to expect so for now, the feeling of dread has been replaced by something that is a mish mash of nervousness, excitement, fear with a tinge of curiosity thrown in. it's just a funny feeling that's whirling around in my tummy.

***
on to more mundane issues: i managed to go to bukit batok, choa chu kang and vivocity all in the space of 3 hours without the use of a car or a taxi. it was purely a mass transport system that brought me around. i'm amazed. yes, i am. amazing.

***
i'm really sleepy at the moment. then again, i'm perpetually sleepy. have u ever seen me not sleepy? then again, u've never quite seen me, have you? so that's rather redundant. oh well.

***
oooh...had to attend a wedding. (yes, yet another one.) all i can say is that....interesting. hehehhe....the groom's really funny lah...he screwed up quite a couple of things but hell, if things ran smoothly, i would have been shocked. hehehe...but it was fun...while it lasted...i didn't quite stay for the grand finale.

***
at this present moment in time, i'm just sitting down in front of Snowie here and just blanking out. and as i'm doing so, the dream i had last night kinda popped into my mind. i had a dream of me dreaming of a person. something about me not quite figuring out why i keep meeting short guys and voila, the person i was supposed to marry turns out to be a dwarf. which then led me to becoming hysterical and waking up from that dream in my dream to a scenario of telling someone how ridiculous the whole thing was and i don't quite recall what happened next except the fact that i woke up and realized EVERYTHING was a dream. even my innerworkings not quite working. macam mana ni???

***
last but not least, to all muslims out there, here's wishing you a blessed aidiladha. to all non-muslims, enjoy the holidays and what's left of 2006. let's all just start off on a clean slate, shall we?

***
with that, this blog is now pronounced closed.

at least for 2006. :OP

kimchi, anyone?

I'm trying to come clean. :OP

I don't get it. When I'm not actually "blogging", I seem to have a million things to say or write yet when I'm actually presented with the opportunity to babble happily, I seem to lose focus. Which leads to such mundane thoughts that I'm a little freaked to think that perhaps, that's all my brain's got to offer. Loser.

Heck lah.

Eh...I've been watching a lot of Korean dramas lately. And no, not jewel in the palace. I watch more mundane stuff such as Princess Hours, My Girl etc. So erm, let's just figure something out together now....You know it's a Korean drama when:

1. The female lead's a poverty-stricken shrew and the male lead's a filthy-rich jackass.
2. In spite of shrew factor, female lead always wins heart of jackass's superhunky, too-perfect-to-be-true buddy, also known as Mr Perfect or Mr P, for short.
3. In spite of jackass factor, male lead is actually ultra sweet and being jackassish only because he was in love with some superhot, ultra-cool (hmmmm...) Babe who will eventually fall for him only after figuring out that shrew could potentially be a source of competition for jackass's attention.
4. Shrew and Jackass will always hook up very early in the show but for very unromantic reasons.
5. Shrew and Jackass cannot seem to split up effectively until they have actually fallen in love. Warped concept but hell, I'm not the script writer.
6. There will always be a "makeover" scene where Shrew will be made to look even better than Babe and Jackass, being a jackass will have his jaws dropped and drool dripped. OK, I made the last bit up but something to that effect.
7. Shrew will ALWAYS fall sick and Jackass will ALWAYS look after sick Shrew.
8. Shrew eats like as though there's no tomorrow but looks as though she's been starving her life away. High metabolic rate seems to be a prerequisite.
9. Shrew and Jackass will be jerks to each other but no one else.
10. Shrew will be unshrewified and "normalized" and Jackass will eventually turn into Mr Wuss by the end of the show.

Gist of it:
Girls, become a shrew and then unshrewify yourself.
Boys, be an arse and then wussify yourself.

Moral of the Story:
People fall in love with imperfect individuals as long as they look perfect. In fact, the more questionable your character, the better your chances at finding "bliss". Uh-huh.
Oh....and another thing, there'a always a wuss in every jackass.

And yet, in spite of it all, I'm hooked on them. WTF???

To save my sould, I've been making sure I get a healthy dosage of other shows - The Nanny. But then again, isn't Fran Fine also a shrew? Hmmm....

Let's see here...

My template's gone psycho. My tagboard's missing. My brain froze. So yeah, everything's going really spiffy at the moment.

Been busy of late. Ok, fine. The truth is, I've been lazy AND busy of late. It might sound rather contradictory but seriously, that's how things have been. Initially, I've not been updating due to a mixture of laziness and "I-got-better-things-to-do" syndrome. However, given that my cuzzie got married over the weekend, I honestly did have loads to do. A lot of crappy things happened lah prior to the wedding and it got too insane even for me. I just wanted to stay clear of it all. Fortunately the whole wedding went on rather smoothly although I did find myself peeved quite a few times.

Let me make it clear, I wasn't peeved with the wedding etc but rather the attitude of some of the folks who were around. Before that, I need to make it crystal that I love my family. Including the extended folks in spite and sometimes, because of their imperfections. However, loving people won't make me immune to anger and frustration. (In fact, the more you feel, the angrier you can get. OK fine, turn the yous to I.) So, yeah, I was incredibly pissed. If I ever get married, I'd rather a "stranger-coordinated" affair rather than a "family" one. Somehow, it just doesn't seem to work well. Sigh. It isn't easy getting married into my extended family. It really isn't even though things seem fine and dandy to the superficial eye. Hence, I've made up my mind to be extra-nice to people marrying into the family. I want them to feel welcomed and to at least have someone to talk to. Hopefully, no one will feel alienated coz I somehow understand that feeling and it isn't a nice one at all. I hope I can make a difference in that sense. With that, welcome to the family, dear cuzzies-in-law. And that definitely came from the heart. (Even though you probably will not even know I'm referring to you. Yes, you. Whoever you are.)

So there.

Ooooh. Today was nice.

And the sinking feeling starts to rise again.

Crap.