I am horribly affected these days.

I cannot seem to focus. And everything seems just a little off. While I should be thankful for some things I have, I cannot help but feel really bad about things I am losing or have lost.

Do you know what it feels like to be an outcaste?

I have been one for a large part of my life. Never quite part of anything. Never quite mattered but now...when you've been part of something for so long...to be an outcaste just hurts. I wonder if this was what F and S went through. And T. I feel horrible. Thing is, others might think I'm simply making a mountain out of a molehill but it's the little things that make me realize...I am no longer wanted or needed. And that hurts beyond anything.

Is it really my conjecture? Am I thinking too hard? But is what I'm saying making sense?

Can I handle yet another heartbreak?

I don't like people very much...they hurt me.

Again, it goes back to what is it that I want?

For some reason, I decided that I need to start writing again. I have no idea who to turn to. I feel lost. Like life is some sort of maze that I got myself into and now can't seem to get out of.

Everywhere I turn, someone is mad at me for some reason and quite honestly, I'm just as mad.

I'm breaking down. I really am.

I lost my best friend. Not due to death. Nor fight. Nor some separation. Things happen. Naturally. As they should be. And I am happy for her. I truly am. But the reality of what I've lost hits me. Hard. And I find it difficult to get through this.

Nobody gets me. I cannot blame them when I am the one who is so weird. Yet. I wish someone bothered enough to try understanding. Though probably they realized the futility of it. What do I want really? What is it that I want?

Please help me get through this. Please?

I need to grow up. That's the bottomline, isn't it?

beetchy

Oh hey...long time no see...muahahah...aku memang suka hilang hilang...bukan apa, macam chipsmore gitu...Now you see it, now you don't.

Anyhow, it's the last day of 2007, gregorian-ly speaking. So, what better time to drop by to assure people that I am apparently alive. Not that you care. But hey, you never know?

Anywayz, supposed to do resolutions and what nots and yes, given that one of my resolutions is to be less of a bitch...I would thus like to take this opportunity to be as beetchy as I want to be.

First and foremost, to my ass-kissing, brown-nosing, peacock-strutting, brain-addled nicompoopish colleagues, I hope you have a wonderful year ahead trying to live up to that perfect image you have somehow managed to dupe the zombified management team into believing actually exists. Seriously.

Secondly, to suckers out there who seem to think that being single is some kind of social crime, F*** OFF.

Thirdly, to those having crushes or in the process of being crushed...time to snap out of it. I mean, like seeeeriously....How much longer is the whining supposed to continue?? It's not healthy!!!

Ohhhh...which brings me to morons who have somehow managed to convince themselves that they are super-sought after. You know what? I don't give a flying fish. I'll be honest here...whatever you're saying...I don't think so. What are you? Naive or just plain delusional???? Come on...we're way past teenhood...This is SOOOO not the time to "I think about a million guys are in love with me, just that they've never confessed their feelings"...WAKE UP, ALREADY! If the friggin faggots are truly in love, then get them to own up for as long as they don't, then seriously, you're just walking on clouds. And I seriously don't think that I will enjoy being the one to have to pick up the pieces for you. On the other hand, supposing it be true, those friggin faggots better get their balls together...

Which is a perfect lead up to....the friggin' faggots. Are you a man or are you a wimp? Yeah, I get it...today's time...role reversals...yadda yadda yadda...I don't give a shit. Until the day you bloody idiotic boob-deprived folks are able to bear babies, I don't buy the role reversal arguments. Be a friggin' man and stop hiding behind a female...The saying goes, behind every successful man is a woman...not IN FRONT OF.

Erm, that shd be it for now.

Happy 2008.

101st

Ooh.

Hi there. Obviously, it's been a while and loads have been happening. Some of which are completely out of my control.

Anyhow, there's been this thing that has bugged me for a while.

Now, evidently I'm single.

For some reason, most folks seem to think that I am or should be dating a friggin' farang aka angmoh. The thing is, I'm not too sure where they get this idea and quite frankly, it's not an idea I'm comfortable with. Somehow, I feel so SPGish though I know that's largely stereotypical to think so. If it had been just some random person saying so, that would be one thing, but I've had at least 5 completely unrelated groups of people who thought so. The most recent one being a friend I've not met in years.

I don't know if this was a compliment. I guess he did mean it as one. It went something like "don't waste your intellect on a malay mat." Dude, first and foremost, I'm not exactly an intellectual. I'm a friggin bimbo! Or at least, my brain kinda does the bimbotic routine pretty often.

Secondly, are all malays mats? I mean, seriously, I've been thinking about it and I've posed that qn to several people and most tend to feel that is so. Does that make my dad a mat? What about my uncles? And gosh, MY BROTHER! (ok, fine..my brother is kinda mat-ish in an abang-abang kinda way.) Aren't we generalizing it a little too much?

I mean, I've met non-mat malays. Though admittedly, most of these non-mats don't even acknowledge their malayness. Then again, what is wrong with being a mat to begin with? I mean, so what if a guy's a malay mat. What does that mean? What is a mat?

When I think of the word mat, I always think of shortfart...glen ong's malay mat alterego. All the stereotypical notions of a mat's brought to "life" through the character. His rilek-one-kornerness, the accent, the slight himboness....is that what makes a mat?

Den again, there're the scrambler biker dudes...the longish hair 80s mats with torn, tapered jeans and a penchant for sappy rock ballads. In more recent years, there's the trucker cap mats with tapered jeans (tapered never dies!) etc. But is it just the physical aspect that made a mat mat?

I get this impression that people think of mats as being rather...dumb, for lack of a better word. That's kinda sad, isn't it? I mean, being perceived as dumb? And come to think of it, is it even true? I cannot believe that I'm smarter than all the malay mats. THAT would be delusional.

So...hmmm...this has been a rather disjointed piece of writing crap but I guess, the whole thing's still rather disjointed in my head to begin with.

Oh well.

So, what is a mat?

aches and pains

It's that time of the month again. Me thinks.

I guess PMS is pretty real. It makes you more emotional than ever so it's best to just lay low during this period and minimize contact etc with others because given the crazedness of the emotional crap, it can really get to you...

Anyhow, it just doesn't help when things come crashing at the same time. I think I'm taking things rather badly. For the worse partly due to emotional crap. That's what I like to think anyway coz I don't like to think that I'm this pathetic.

It's just been really sad.

I don't know who to turn to anymore. I just don't know. I feel lost and alone. Like, who's got my back? I have no idea.

I miss my friends. I miss school. As in, student school. I just hate this growing up thing. It's very painful.

I feel as though I'm going through a second round of teenage angst. Just that this time, I'm not rebelling or whatever. I'm just really, really sad. I feel as though someone's trying to choke me. And that no one understands. And I'm breaking down yet again and things are just getting worse.

I mean, there's work. Which is always a pain but has taken on an even more incredulous turn lately. It's such a burden to bear. Such a burden. I'm tired of it. So, very tired and yet what's there to say? Everyone's going through crap as well. Unfortunate, eh?

Which brings me to colleagues. I've got good ones. Really, I do. But everyone's going through their own insane moments and yeah, ultimately, you're on your own. Funny, the only people who can understand your work problems will be your colleagues. Yet, because they're also going through shit, there's not much support there either because they too need to look for sources of strengths.

Which brings me to students. In a funny way, they do give me strength. It's funny but even when I'm distressed, things change when I step into the classroom. I can start off being bitchy but by the end of the lesson (provided they're not being idiots), I feel a heck of a lot better. That's when I realize how much I need them. Thank You for those moments. You really seem to know when I need one.

It's a temporary relief but it is something I am thankful for.

However, being temporary, things can get to you all over again soon enough.

So, besides work, there's the whole personal life issue. I am egoistic. So, even when shit happens, I don't quite share it around but oh well, let's just let parts of it out...you know, broken hearts? Well, yeah...there's that. It's not that bad lah...I mean, I've seen others trying to kill themselves following broken hearts but nah...not to that extent. Partly due to the fact that the feeling wasn't that intense (that's a BIG BONUS POINT to aloofness. Thank you very much.) but it still hurts, damn it. And keeping it to yourself makes it feel safer yet even more trapped. Do you understand? I feel so suffocated yet I can't bear to talk about it. What can you say anyway? Boo hoo...I got my heart broken?? That's just crap. So there...

So that's that. Now and then, the family decides to get into the swing of things. It's a conspiracy, I tell you. And that one hurts the most and it's something I know I'm also guilty of inflicting. There's just a great deal of hurt all around but it has always been lurking beneath the surface. So, when something happens, the pain is more than it should be because it's a reflection of the pain which is buried. And this pain is quite unbearable. It hurts so much that it's crazy. I know it's naive, but I truly believed that things changed once we moved. I don't know...hencforth, I just miss home so much. I just miss it. I dunno...I just have not moved on enough...that's really just my fault now, isn't it?

Now, I just want to meet my friends and just have a crappy time. I'm hoping it'll be nice and crappy but then again, shit happens so I don't dare hope for too much. I just hope to slack off with them. And just get to be me again. Minus everything else.

Thank you for listening.

there and back again

title seems apt at this moment.

it's been what...three months? and yes, loads have happened. i have been travelling quite a bit in the last couple of months.

i don't know whether i mentioned this but i went to s. korea and tioman in june. evidently, tioman was a heck of a lot more fun. i actually snorkelled! hehehhe... beautiful experience really. i am quite honestly hooked.

and between then and now, things kinda swing ard, up and down. though i have to admit that the second half of the year has been a lot better than the first half.

hmmm...what other milestones have there been? let me think...let's see how...

july's about nothing much...august was the national day hols which means that it's really no big deal...was supposed to go to KL that hols but that didn't quite go as planned though there was a "hikmah" behind that so i'm not going into that.

september...oh yah...erm, my guitaring's improving...but not by a lot...just little by little lah...

and of course, i just got back from bangkok...hahhaha...soooo fun...i think i want to go again..perhaps in december??? must try to convince those other buggers...i think travelling's made me more adventurous and seriously, i want to explore even more...go further...learn as much as i can about things around me...about what is going on...my heart's in it...definitely.

i think a change is in the air. in my blood.

a change is coming.

are you ready for it?

coz i'm not.

:OP

Ntah lah

People seem to get the impression that I'm this independent, self-reliant free spirit who needs nothing but herself. I would agree to part of it - the independent free spirit part. I hate feeling trapped and most of the time, I like being alone and doing things on my own. It keeps things simple. Fuss-free.

However, as much as I enjoy such freedom, I do need others. Of late, that need grows stronger but because I'm such a wonderfully private person, most folks don't know of that need and erm, yeah...I'm pretty much on my own. Which sucks. I mean, sometimes, I just wish I had someone I could just babble to. I don't need anyone to solve the problems I have or to make things right for me...just to listen. That would suffice. In fact, by just listening, that would be making things right. Coz, honestly, it feels as though I'm some weird entity that has no voice.

I keep harping on that. I mean, I have a voice. And yes, I agree that to be heard, we must make ourselves heard. However, I kinda like the discreet thing...so erm, we're back to square one. Anyhow, I don't really want loads of people to "hear" me, just a few will do. Even just one. One I can rely on.

Ok, this is not to say that I don't have friends. I mean, I got great pals and if I wanted, I could probably make them listen to my crap - which I kinda do on occasion. (Poor things) But, sampai bila? How long will this go on? They've got their own lives to lead. And some are already embarking on new, erm, partnerships...we'll call it that...and it's kinda intrusive to barge in. Yeah, whatever with the friends shd be there through thick and thin. But seriously, as friends, we should give those friends a break. They've got lives. It's selfish to always depend on them. It's just not cool.

My vocab sucks. I think that the longer I stay in this job, the more uncreative I become. Especially when it comes to journalling. I seem to have lost the knack and drive...Ntah lah...Aku pon tak tahu kenapa...

Anyhow, I've been blogging for a while but...I can't seem to publish half the crap I write...Ntah lah...


This is such an "ntahlah" thing...AARRGGGHHHHHH....I'm on a moody swing!!! GET ME OFF IT!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!

With that, we shall end with a swing song...

Pohon beringin tegak berdiri
Kalau rendah menyapu bumi
Menghibur aku, menolong aku
Bertiuplah oh angin lalu
Laju, laju buaiku laju...

I scraped the last line. Yuppiedee, I did.

Toodles.

Got back from Tioman. It was a wonderful holiday with some of my dearest friends. How can it not be a good one, right?

Honestly, I had reservations about snorkelling. I mean, think about it, I CAN'T SWIM! And erm, snorkelling requires one to be dumped into the deep end...but had to go through with it so I just whacked it lah.

And...I'M HOOKED!!! I LOVE SNORKELLING!!! I'm already looking out for other resorts that will allow me to snorkel to my heart's content. And yeah...I should really take up swimming. In fact, I want to get in shape so that I can wear swim wear without feeling like a friggin idiot. But that's not the priority. I just want to go snorkelling!!! I love it. It's incredibly fun. Words can't describe how I feel about it.

Okok...it started off a little freaky. I mean, I couldn't feel the sands...It was ultra deep and when I put my head underwater...I could only see reefs...beautiful, gorgeous corals and fishes...that kinda helped me to forget the fact that i can't swim...that is until the seawater gushed into my mouth and caused me to choke...and erm...reality sank in...so for the next hour...i kinda just clung to the ropes and sides coz I wasn't too sure about using the whole snorkelling gear.

Anyway...I got better at it as I practised along the shores and yeah, I realize that I shd have practised before going off and jumping into the deep end...but overall...no regrets. I had loads of fun. And of course, my crazy friends had their fun too and yeah...good trip. Perhaps, shd bring the other two bozos along too the next time we plan our hols.

I have never been this broken hearted before in my life.

I am Muslim (with ageist issues on an adrenaline high).

Once in a blue moon, something freaky happens. Today happens to be my "lucky" day.

Some psycho dropped me a note. Honestly, don't know who the crap it was but one thing's for certain, must be a blind psycho. Ko giler, kapa? Salah orang, kot. Nanti lain kali aku kenalkan ko kat makcik aku, eh. :OP

Apa jer...

It got me thinking though. I am ageist. To a certain extent. I do not relate well to older folks. Give me a break, some people like kids, some people don't. I'm not into old folks. I mean, I'm not about to go get a gun and go on a kill-'em-ol'-fogies routine but seriously, I don't gel well with older folks. Let's get this straight...older would mean beyond the age of 65 (thereabouts).

Then it also dawned on me, as much as we jodohs come in any shape, form and age...quite honestly, I would honestly not like to marry someone that's more than 10 years older. The fact that 10 years is already something I can sorta accept is already an achievement in itself. I mean, seriously, I know jodoh's jodoh. But it's just not something I can say with all sincerity something I will be willing to accept wholeheartedly.

Does that make me a bad person? Or an ingrate? Or an ageist?

I feel a little conflicted when it comes to this but the bottomline remains, I am not for May-Dec romances. It's sweet and all and I honestly think that some folks are very genuine when it comes to this but I will not wish it for myself. Please?

It freaks me sometimes how things we do not want come back to haunt us. It happens lah. And usually, it's for a good reason. There is always that possibility but at this current moment in time, please? Betol2 tak nak. Seriously.

Anyhow, I've been reading this Dina Zaman's book - I am Muslim. It's kinda difficult to put it down. It's very funny yet thought-provoking at the same time. I see glimpses of the dilemmas I face and the candour style she uses suits me to a T. (Why not 'S'? Oh well.)

I'll post a couple of excerpts from the book when I have the time. For now, it's my favourite read.

On another note...hehhee...me and friend went for a quickie. Erm, stick heads out of yellow goo. It was a quickie holiday. Minus official leave. Hehehe...Tiring but boy, was it fun! I had oodles of fun. And got myself soooooo many new books. Got about 3 Harun Yahyas, the Dina Zaman book, this teen-based fractured fairy tale book and a blast from the past chick-lit satire - Fabulous Nobodies. The only thing that stopped me from getting Salina was the fact that I doubt my sling could hold them all. Anyhow, it was quite an adrenaline-rush thing.

Toodles.

sing your way home

This is what happens after korean drama marathon. Start lah feeling feeling merepek. Bagus lah tu. Amalkan selalu. Apa jer.

Anyhow, you know the funniest things come to mind at the funniest moments? Well, during a, erm, particularly private moment of mine, it dawned on me - I grew up. Seriously. I think I did. Or am still in the process of doing. But anyhow, definitely on a up-growing mode.

I look back on the past a lot. It's like a bad habit that refuses to go away. No...not quite being sentimental though I admit, sometimes I am but rather, looking back affords you a glimpse of what used to be and thus helps us to get a clearer picture of who we are today and what we may be capable of in future. Without the past, there is no present and thus, no future. Cedebah...

I have nothing against growing up. I mean, it's probably a good thing. I mean, it's definitely inevitable so erm, we got to make the most of it, right? But, there are certain things that no matter how we change, we kinda keep so closely to our hearts that they become a part of our subconscious. For instance, I had a weird dream. Honestly, I'm not quite certain what it was about but one thing was crystal clear...I was home. The home I will never get over. The home I will always be in love with, no matter what. The home with that bumpy wall I used to trace with my fingers whenever I couldn't sleep. The home that was perfect for me. So perfect that if given the chance, I will recreate it in a heartbeat.

What is home?

What does being home mean? Coming home? Staying home?

When I was younger, I hated going out as you prolly already figured. And I mentioned that it was pretty much summarized that I was being an anti-social. Whatever. Moving on, but seriously, I never went out much. Even if I did, it will be around the neighbourhood. If I went beyond, that will be to that shop down the road...which was considered a treat in itself. I remember the time my mum gave me 50 bucks to bring along to the shop to get some stuff and I recalled how nervous I was to have so much money to carry over such a long distance. But of course, my mum only did that because my good ol' neighbour was with me. Speaking of which, I wonder how he is. I hope he's doing ok.

Anyhow, I digressed, didn't I? Well, I noticed that ever since I moved to this new place, I've been going out a lot. I mean, part of the reason could be the accessibility of my new place to town and the like. In addition, I've grown up so my social circle has interestingly widened quite considerably. But...somehow, there's this part of me that feels that that's not all there is to it. There is a part that somehow is rejecting this place. Like it doesn't quite feel like home. Do you understand?

In addition, I noticed that I've become a recluse...More so than before. Funny. My family used to call me an anti-social coz I didn't mix with the kids in the 'hood. But now, I'm truly an anti-social to them coz I hardly spend time with the family and my room's almost always closed to all. It's as if I have withdrawn into this selfish place that I refuse to share with those closest to me. Sometimes, I wonder if why i do that. Is it because of them or is it because of me?

I've not felt completely at ease in a while. Macam, hati ni...tak menentu. Ni bukan case Amalina nyer lagu dangdut...this is about finding inner peace. It's been innercrap for a while. I meant that in more ways than one.

I'm seeking something. Yet, I'm not certain of what exactly I'm looking for.

I think I just want to come home. I want to be home. I'm tired of roaming and stuff. I just want to go home.

But I'm still trying to figure out what home really means. What am I looking for in a home?

For now, I'll just continue to dream of my little "village". I'll just continue to dream of home and perhaps, in my dreams, I'll be home and perhaps someday in future, I will find my way home.

Gosh, I feel like Dorothy. Must be the muppets' movie. Crap.

I am in love with you. Don't you get it? Don't you see it? Of course you don't see it! What am I saying? Why am I being so pathetic? This is incredulous.

Now, this is what happens when you watch korean dramas which you just have to top up with a reading of happily-married-bubbly-person blog. Yeah, great. Now I sound macam orang sour punyer grapes.

get rea!

"It's not time to make a change, just relax, take it easy..."

I forgot how much I liked that song till recently. In fact, it's only recently that I paid attention to the lyrics of the song and thus came to fully appreciate it. I like it.

What a way to celebrate May Day. I'm down with flu and I have a splitting headache. It's not even remotely funny. Actually, it's kinda funny. The runny nose thing is, anyway. I don't quite know why but I think it's hilarious. Go figure.

Watching Get Rea!. Good show. Serious. The current episode I'm watching's about how tourists are ripped off. Hehehe...so fun.

Good night.

knuckleheads...

The knuckleheads may annoy me. Frustrate me. Anger me.

However, yesterday, they warmed my heart. Every single one of them. That spontaneous burst of cheers was the most beautiful testimony of their open and sincere hearts and for that, I salute and embrace them.

On another note, we all know how AI can be quite a consumerist thing and erm, charity shows can wind up becoming just another scripted money-generator. However, those smiles were difficult to fake. Those toothy grins reflected the excitement, hope and genuine joy that they felt. And in that moment, those grins made me tear.

We honestly have a lot to be thankful for.

I wish to do more.

More than words.

first step

I took the first step towards my future. It's a small one but a step, nonetheless.

Never knew that such a small step can be so unnerving yet surprisingly simple.

There's no turning back now.

Is there?

coming full circle

Sometimes, you kinda get to a certain stage when you have to ask yourself, what is it do you really, really want to do for the rest of your life? The answers are never simple and you find yourself searching and questioning and searching again. Different people give you different answers. Some people give you answers that seem to take you closer to what you're seeking but others just give you a headache. Funny enough, the answers that give you headaches might turn out to be the ones closer to what you're looking for.

I'm rambling. Oops.

I'm on this personal quest of sorts to find me. I have the liberty to choose what I want out of life but I don't seem to fully appreciate this liberty I enjoy. Some would have killed for what I have...Crappie, dear...what do you want?

What do I want? What is it that I want out of this short span of time I have on earth? Is it really about just making it through each day? Just trudging along as the waves pick you up and carry you here and there? When will it stop? Am I happy to bop along? Is it worth all the whiles in the world?

What do I want?

This is stupid but I am inspired by people like the those in Freedom Writers and Dangerous Minds and the like. I'm amazed to see how they inspire others. I know I am capable of doing something similar but what is it that is holding me back? Aptitude or Attitude? I think I'm not good enough. Hence, I wind up not being good enough. Second rate. That's how I've always felt and for that, that's all I can ever be. I never minded it before. I never cared about it before. However, I seem to think that there is something severely amiss.

Before I lay my choices before me...for once, let me just come clean.

I am an educator. I love my kids incredulously. At least, most of them. However, I have spasms of pemalasness that kinda put quite a damper on things, I must say. My bond is about to come to an end. I will be promoted soon enough coz that's just how things work, not because I'm fantastic or anything of that sort. My job gives me a great deal of satisfaction but it also gives me a great deal of heartache and yeah...headaches. To say that I'm happy would be a lie. To say that I'm not will also be a lie. Let's just say that I'm kinda stuck in between. My colleagues are fantastic, at least most of them are. So yeah, when you really type it all out, I seem to have had it made. I graduated. I got a job. And my job's not that sucky. I mean, nothing's perfect, right? If there's anything missing, it's probably in my non-working life...

Family wise, I'm the youngest in the family and the only one staying with my parents coz both my siblings are married with children of their own. And yes, I am single. I have no idea whether it's 'single and carefree' or 'single and searching' coz I seem to waver between the two. I have great friends, most of whom I've kept for at least 3 years. Actually, it ranges between 3 - 20 years. So I reckon that friends-wise, I've been pretty blessed. Actually, family-wise, it's kinda ok too. I mean, we've all got our problems here and there but overall, I guess, my life's okay. Which thus boggles me even more...what is it that I want? I have almost everything before me so why am I being such a friggin' ingrate?

So, here I am. At yet another weird crossroad. The roads before me fork out in every direction. Which one do I take?

1. Quit the job and do the wedding thing I like doing. Seriously, I'm pretty good at it too. The drawback would be the instability of the market and in light of the fact that I kinda need a relatively stable job, this might get in the way of things.

2. Move on to counselling. Again, I'm pretty good at it, sorta. But honestly, do I really want to do this for the rest of my life? Can I imagine myself speaking to person after person about their troubles and live like that? Or is it just another one of my dreams that I escape to when my own current job overwhelms me? Am I really cut out to be a counsellor?

3. Study. Take up a course on counselling or academic studies. The thing about the academic stuff that freaks me out is that I'm bloody lazy and scared. Will I be able to pull myself out of my own shell and truly explore things?

4. Get married and settle down. Another way of saying that would be get married and settle. Settle for a life that's there. I mean, seriously, that feels safest and probably would have been the first path I take had I been given the chance earlier for the simple reason that it gives me the security that I think I need. Perhaps, that's why I'm still single. I'm being forced to not just settle but to really think about what I want to do before I settle. On the other hand, the idea of marriage still freaks the hell out of me.

Somehow or other, other things will be thrown before me. What will I do?

It is quite clear to me that there is one thing that I wish not to give up - teach. I want to teach. But more than just the syllabus, I want to teach people to love and care. I want to love and care about people. This is very Ms Universe/World but seriously, I'm not kidding. But, it still doesn't help me. I mean, to want to teach is one thing. But what is it do I really want to teach? How do I wish to teach? Who do I wish to teach? Why do I wish to teach? Before the want, I need to answer these other questions.

Gee...hitting oneself on the forehead is a stupid idea. THAT is crystal clear to me.

tame doves

jinak-jinak merpati, bila dekat mesti, confirm lari punyer...

There is this old malay saying about how pigeons/doves...how they appear so friendly but when you try to get hold of them, they'll fly away...this is with reference to people...usually girls...how girls appear so friendly but when you kinda try to get closer, they'll run away...something to that effect lah...

Anyhow, the phrase seems rather familiar of late. I realize that I am one of those merpatis...And it kinda applies to one and all...Generally, most folks will describe me as a friendly person but it's not particularly easy trying to get closer coz I have this thing about personal space...I like mine. A lot. And I like it private.

It's no wonder that eventually be it cousins or friends, I kinda drift away from them...I just don't quite like the whole buddy-buddy pal-pal system. In fact, I think the reason why I'm such good friends with my bozos from secondary school is precisely because they're like that too. We all love our own personal spaces too much to annoy each other. We actually like doing things separately. And to that end, we have a very interesting friendship which some may find weird. An example...a movie outing among us could possibly mean that we watch different movies at the same time...Even if it means that some of us might wind up being lone rangers but seriously, that never bothered us.

Funny.

Oh...this is in itself a revelation to me. So, erm, yeah...

Toodles!

instrument

Instrument.

It seems that this word sums up the recent things quite nicely. Allow me to explain -

It's the SYF season again! For the uninitiated, SYF is also known as the Singapore Youth Festival and every two years, concert bands take a shot at getting the gold medal. I was part of one such band many, many years ago. The practices, the scoldings, the pressure...It was unreal. I remember wanting to quit many a time but I never could bring myself to do so. I was a scared, egoistic shithead. Go figure. Well, I took a looksie at the following site and what dya know, it's a gold yet again. Surprise, surprise. Somehow I recall that I wasn't that confident years back when I was put in the shoes of the performer. However, once a band girl, always a band girl they say and erm, I guess there's some truth in that. A friend's doing some band-related stuff and somehow, talking about it came so naturally...I guess, in spite of the everything, I loved band. So yeah, and to think the whole conversation started with a simple "instrument".

On another note, another colleague seems to be in some kinda mood swing. He sees himself as an instrument, a tool used by others. Honestly, it's crap lah...to a certain extent, he is indeed an incredibly intelligent and talented person which means that he would unwittingly attract folks seeking some kinda help. I mean, he's "the guru" but seriously, he's not a tool. At least not to some of us. He's instrumental to the programme we're conducting, not the used instrument.

And yes, it's me again. I kinda feel like an instrument at times. But then, perhaps, I'm just like my colleague...it's all in the mind. It isn't a pleasant feeling but I guess you really need to take two steps back to take it all in. Just to make sure that things make sense. Then perhaps, you won't feel so used after all.

Adios.

evolution of self

gee. second post within a half hour. i must be caffeinated.

this isn't exactly a rambly, whiney one. erm, i take that back. it might be. let me just get on with it, eh?

I read stuff about someone's relationship with her family. I've been reading it for a while now...macam takde kerja lain...Anyhow, I'm amazed by the closeness of the family and the sweet relationships she has with her elders. Pretty amazing, really.

Naturally, being a typical female, a whole barrage of emotions whirled through my every being. Not just emotions really, but thoughts, memories...everything that can possibly engage my five plus plus senses just did a mini eruption. It's like different parts of me were reacting to the entry in different ways. As mentioned, the person's been writing about these things for a while but the recent entry about her r/s with her dad's what really a key trigger factor here. So, let me explain my innerworkings -

Now, there's this mini-me in me (i.e. the inner child and I'm not talking about a foetus) who felt a sudden emptiness as though she's lost something precious. If I have to recall a precise memory to go with this, it would be the time when I knew I would never see my stinky bald baby doll again. You kinda wish you had it back and you're practically demanding that it does but you know it won't happen so you just feel rather empty. I guess, it brought back memories of me and my dad and how I know that things have changed and I genuinely miss those times. It's quite painful actually, come to think of it. To think that we dismiss nothing as nothing...Funny.

Then, there's the rebel in me. That teenager who refuses to grow up. That teenager who knows that things have changed. That teenager who knows that she is responsible for the change. That teenager who is aware that she could have made a difference. But that same teenager is also very egoistic and self-centered. There is no chance in hell or heaven, for that matter, that this teenager will allow herself to be seen as vulnerable. And, to express emotions such that things could potentially go back to the mini-me moments would mean vulnerability. At least that is what the teenager insists. Hence, the teenager keeps things locked up within her. Suppressed. The only feeling she is willing to release is anger. Because anger helps her pride stay intact. Or at least, that's what she believes. As a teenager, pride is everything and anger is all that you need. That entry just got that part angrier...because that's the only way she knows how to react. Problem is, she doesn't quite know who or what she is actually angry with or about.

But of course, that's not it. There is yet another we have to visit. The semi-adult. The semi-adult outgrew the vulnerability and the angst but not the egoism. As much as the semi-adult realizes that the picture painted in the entry is an ideal that she should work towards, she does not seem to want to do it. She knows she should. She understands that as a young adult, as a Muslim, as a human being, as a child, that is her job. However, that semi-adult's still too egoistic to do anything, preferring to stick with the notion that "it's too late. forget it" even though her own conscience is close to knocking her out.

The semi-adult was probably influenced by the loner. That selfish core that has characterized the real person. The loner does not wish to answer to anyone. The loner believes that being alone means that she is free. Free of obligations...free to choose...and most importantly, free of the expectations of others. The loner prefers solitude because it is within herself that she feels most at ease. Safe. Secure. So, the loner believes that distance is the key. Hence, in spite of what the mini-me might feel, regardless of the suppression that the teenager has to endure and the plagued conscience of the semi-adult, the loner still holds firmly to her belief that to be alone is ultimately the best way to survive.

Which brings us to me. I am that loner. I choose to be one. Yet, the emptiness can be so overwhelming and I just want to retreat into my mini-me. But, I honestly believe that this could potentially be the best way. Being close to people...I tend to hurt them. Through my words, actions or my non-actions...But if others expect nothing from me, then I can do no harm, right? Hence, isn't aloofness a solution?

I've used that for years. It's been working thus far. However, I think I might be growing out of it. I don't wish to be a loner for the rest of my life. Somehow, I got to find a way to balance out the different sides to me. I know certain things will stay - the mini-me, the teenager, the semi-adult and even that loner...but I think another me has to be developed. One who can bring all the others together. I don't think I've found her yet. Or perhaps, it's just she, who has not found me.

funny how an entry can trigger such thoughts.

all in all, i miss my past but i am reluctant to reclaim it.

ramblings

Don't quite know what's coming over me. It's midnight and I've chosen to start writing in my blog. Perhaps, it's just the coffee. But I think it's just really me.

I'm not in one of those depressed states, if that's what you're thinking. In fact, my mind is pretty clear at the moment. It's just that sometimes, the brain works when it's not supposed to and I guess this is one of those times. Honestly, I'm just rambling, aren't I?

I am not an intellectual. I will not pretend to be one. I mean, it's quite easy really...all I got to do is to latch on to some major event like some bomb scare or be an amateur Erin Br-something...then again, wasn't she technically an amateur? Heck lah, bottomline is that I don't quite care about those stuff.

Actually, I wasn't always like this. I used to actually give a flying fish. I recall hours spent just debating the rights of this and that. Looking back at who I was, I don't even recognize me. In fact, I think I'm cringing. There's just something really weird about uptight, self-righteous buffoons. Oh yeah, and I was one of them.

What happened?

I guess growing up happened. This is lame, isn't it? I realize that most of my entries center on this issue. And this alone. In fact, I've even noted it down most of the time. Yet, lookie here...same old issue. I feel so...recycled...oh, but then again, that might be a good thing considering that the world is basically coming to an end what with all the global alarm bells ringing...so hmmm...Honestly, are you really surprised about the whole phenomenon? We really had it coming. Seriously. Gee, should have paid more attention to Captain Planet after all instead of those damned turtles in a half-shell. I mean, lookie here...which is cooler? Blue dude with penchant for preaching or cowabunga toxic teenaged mutants?

My powers of digressing have yet to diminish, I see. Crap.

So much for growing up.

Gosh, now I feel like some angst-driven, emo-punk freak who thinks that being effed up is cool. In fact, I think I'm beginning to sound (not literally) like one.

Cut it, dude.

You know, part of me thinks this is a charade while another insists that this is me. Seriously, which is it? I'm not too certain either at this point. Had I been drinking alcohol instead of coffee, it'd be so easy to point the finger at the poisoned nectar. However, this is not the case. Hence, I'm either super-caffeinated, insane or mebbe just confused.

Somehow, none seem to be an accurate description of what I feel at this precise moment. I honestly doubt I'm insane. I'm way too logical for that. I mean, I get crazy ideas and can do potentially wacky things at the most absurd of moments, but I retain full possession of control over myself so erm, that doesn't seem like something a mad person's capable of doing. Though, I'm not too certain either exactly what a mad person is capable of doing lah. You'll have to be mad to figure that out. And right now, I've not been diagnosed as one.

I don't think I'm confused either. I might have been so at different stages but at this moment, I'm pretty clear as to who I am. Though, I seem to have a problem expressing it. Part of it stems from my inability to fully put into words some of the intricacies that make me me. Another part happens to be the fact that being the wacko that I am at times, most people just don't get me anyway so why the eff should I bother explaining me? In fact, even when I try, some folks just wave it off. Like it doesn't matter. Like I don't matter. And to that end, I actually get quite pissed. I mean, don't judge me unless you know me. Don't effin' assume you know me coz you don't. Even I take time to figure me out so please, don't be an effin' moron.

Oh yes, there's also another potential reason why I have problems expressing who I am. Honestly speaking, it's because I do not want you to know me. There are parts of me I wish for no one to know. Seriously. No, I'm not a closet gay. That part's pretty clear to me but there are stuff that I like keeping private. Be it good or bad. Some things are just not meant to be shared.

Overall, I get misunderstood. I don't blame anyone. I know that it's partially due to my own actions.

Just one thing though that I've come to realize at the end of all these ramblings - There may be things I do not wish for you to know about me but that doesn't mean I would not appreciate you trying to figure it out.

There now. That's a little brainwheedler for you.

Toodles.