I am horribly affected these days.

I cannot seem to focus. And everything seems just a little off. While I should be thankful for some things I have, I cannot help but feel really bad about things I am losing or have lost.

Do you know what it feels like to be an outcaste?

I have been one for a large part of my life. Never quite part of anything. Never quite mattered but now...when you've been part of something for so long...to be an outcaste just hurts. I wonder if this was what F and S went through. And T. I feel horrible. Thing is, others might think I'm simply making a mountain out of a molehill but it's the little things that make me realize...I am no longer wanted or needed. And that hurts beyond anything.

Is it really my conjecture? Am I thinking too hard? But is what I'm saying making sense?

Can I handle yet another heartbreak?

I don't like people very much...they hurt me.

Again, it goes back to what is it that I want?

For some reason, I decided that I need to start writing again. I have no idea who to turn to. I feel lost. Like life is some sort of maze that I got myself into and now can't seem to get out of.

Everywhere I turn, someone is mad at me for some reason and quite honestly, I'm just as mad.

I'm breaking down. I really am.

I lost my best friend. Not due to death. Nor fight. Nor some separation. Things happen. Naturally. As they should be. And I am happy for her. I truly am. But the reality of what I've lost hits me. Hard. And I find it difficult to get through this.

Nobody gets me. I cannot blame them when I am the one who is so weird. Yet. I wish someone bothered enough to try understanding. Though probably they realized the futility of it. What do I want really? What is it that I want?

Please help me get through this. Please?

I need to grow up. That's the bottomline, isn't it?

beetchy

Oh hey...long time no see...muahahah...aku memang suka hilang hilang...bukan apa, macam chipsmore gitu...Now you see it, now you don't.

Anyhow, it's the last day of 2007, gregorian-ly speaking. So, what better time to drop by to assure people that I am apparently alive. Not that you care. But hey, you never know?

Anywayz, supposed to do resolutions and what nots and yes, given that one of my resolutions is to be less of a bitch...I would thus like to take this opportunity to be as beetchy as I want to be.

First and foremost, to my ass-kissing, brown-nosing, peacock-strutting, brain-addled nicompoopish colleagues, I hope you have a wonderful year ahead trying to live up to that perfect image you have somehow managed to dupe the zombified management team into believing actually exists. Seriously.

Secondly, to suckers out there who seem to think that being single is some kind of social crime, F*** OFF.

Thirdly, to those having crushes or in the process of being crushed...time to snap out of it. I mean, like seeeeriously....How much longer is the whining supposed to continue?? It's not healthy!!!

Ohhhh...which brings me to morons who have somehow managed to convince themselves that they are super-sought after. You know what? I don't give a flying fish. I'll be honest here...whatever you're saying...I don't think so. What are you? Naive or just plain delusional???? Come on...we're way past teenhood...This is SOOOO not the time to "I think about a million guys are in love with me, just that they've never confessed their feelings"...WAKE UP, ALREADY! If the friggin faggots are truly in love, then get them to own up for as long as they don't, then seriously, you're just walking on clouds. And I seriously don't think that I will enjoy being the one to have to pick up the pieces for you. On the other hand, supposing it be true, those friggin faggots better get their balls together...

Which is a perfect lead up to....the friggin' faggots. Are you a man or are you a wimp? Yeah, I get it...today's time...role reversals...yadda yadda yadda...I don't give a shit. Until the day you bloody idiotic boob-deprived folks are able to bear babies, I don't buy the role reversal arguments. Be a friggin' man and stop hiding behind a female...The saying goes, behind every successful man is a woman...not IN FRONT OF.

Erm, that shd be it for now.

Happy 2008.

101st

Ooh.

Hi there. Obviously, it's been a while and loads have been happening. Some of which are completely out of my control.

Anyhow, there's been this thing that has bugged me for a while.

Now, evidently I'm single.

For some reason, most folks seem to think that I am or should be dating a friggin' farang aka angmoh. The thing is, I'm not too sure where they get this idea and quite frankly, it's not an idea I'm comfortable with. Somehow, I feel so SPGish though I know that's largely stereotypical to think so. If it had been just some random person saying so, that would be one thing, but I've had at least 5 completely unrelated groups of people who thought so. The most recent one being a friend I've not met in years.

I don't know if this was a compliment. I guess he did mean it as one. It went something like "don't waste your intellect on a malay mat." Dude, first and foremost, I'm not exactly an intellectual. I'm a friggin bimbo! Or at least, my brain kinda does the bimbotic routine pretty often.

Secondly, are all malays mats? I mean, seriously, I've been thinking about it and I've posed that qn to several people and most tend to feel that is so. Does that make my dad a mat? What about my uncles? And gosh, MY BROTHER! (ok, fine..my brother is kinda mat-ish in an abang-abang kinda way.) Aren't we generalizing it a little too much?

I mean, I've met non-mat malays. Though admittedly, most of these non-mats don't even acknowledge their malayness. Then again, what is wrong with being a mat to begin with? I mean, so what if a guy's a malay mat. What does that mean? What is a mat?

When I think of the word mat, I always think of shortfart...glen ong's malay mat alterego. All the stereotypical notions of a mat's brought to "life" through the character. His rilek-one-kornerness, the accent, the slight himboness....is that what makes a mat?

Den again, there're the scrambler biker dudes...the longish hair 80s mats with torn, tapered jeans and a penchant for sappy rock ballads. In more recent years, there's the trucker cap mats with tapered jeans (tapered never dies!) etc. But is it just the physical aspect that made a mat mat?

I get this impression that people think of mats as being rather...dumb, for lack of a better word. That's kinda sad, isn't it? I mean, being perceived as dumb? And come to think of it, is it even true? I cannot believe that I'm smarter than all the malay mats. THAT would be delusional.

So...hmmm...this has been a rather disjointed piece of writing crap but I guess, the whole thing's still rather disjointed in my head to begin with.

Oh well.

So, what is a mat?

aches and pains

It's that time of the month again. Me thinks.

I guess PMS is pretty real. It makes you more emotional than ever so it's best to just lay low during this period and minimize contact etc with others because given the crazedness of the emotional crap, it can really get to you...

Anyhow, it just doesn't help when things come crashing at the same time. I think I'm taking things rather badly. For the worse partly due to emotional crap. That's what I like to think anyway coz I don't like to think that I'm this pathetic.

It's just been really sad.

I don't know who to turn to anymore. I just don't know. I feel lost and alone. Like, who's got my back? I have no idea.

I miss my friends. I miss school. As in, student school. I just hate this growing up thing. It's very painful.

I feel as though I'm going through a second round of teenage angst. Just that this time, I'm not rebelling or whatever. I'm just really, really sad. I feel as though someone's trying to choke me. And that no one understands. And I'm breaking down yet again and things are just getting worse.

I mean, there's work. Which is always a pain but has taken on an even more incredulous turn lately. It's such a burden to bear. Such a burden. I'm tired of it. So, very tired and yet what's there to say? Everyone's going through crap as well. Unfortunate, eh?

Which brings me to colleagues. I've got good ones. Really, I do. But everyone's going through their own insane moments and yeah, ultimately, you're on your own. Funny, the only people who can understand your work problems will be your colleagues. Yet, because they're also going through shit, there's not much support there either because they too need to look for sources of strengths.

Which brings me to students. In a funny way, they do give me strength. It's funny but even when I'm distressed, things change when I step into the classroom. I can start off being bitchy but by the end of the lesson (provided they're not being idiots), I feel a heck of a lot better. That's when I realize how much I need them. Thank You for those moments. You really seem to know when I need one.

It's a temporary relief but it is something I am thankful for.

However, being temporary, things can get to you all over again soon enough.

So, besides work, there's the whole personal life issue. I am egoistic. So, even when shit happens, I don't quite share it around but oh well, let's just let parts of it out...you know, broken hearts? Well, yeah...there's that. It's not that bad lah...I mean, I've seen others trying to kill themselves following broken hearts but nah...not to that extent. Partly due to the fact that the feeling wasn't that intense (that's a BIG BONUS POINT to aloofness. Thank you very much.) but it still hurts, damn it. And keeping it to yourself makes it feel safer yet even more trapped. Do you understand? I feel so suffocated yet I can't bear to talk about it. What can you say anyway? Boo hoo...I got my heart broken?? That's just crap. So there...

So that's that. Now and then, the family decides to get into the swing of things. It's a conspiracy, I tell you. And that one hurts the most and it's something I know I'm also guilty of inflicting. There's just a great deal of hurt all around but it has always been lurking beneath the surface. So, when something happens, the pain is more than it should be because it's a reflection of the pain which is buried. And this pain is quite unbearable. It hurts so much that it's crazy. I know it's naive, but I truly believed that things changed once we moved. I don't know...hencforth, I just miss home so much. I just miss it. I dunno...I just have not moved on enough...that's really just my fault now, isn't it?

Now, I just want to meet my friends and just have a crappy time. I'm hoping it'll be nice and crappy but then again, shit happens so I don't dare hope for too much. I just hope to slack off with them. And just get to be me again. Minus everything else.

Thank you for listening.

there and back again

title seems apt at this moment.

it's been what...three months? and yes, loads have happened. i have been travelling quite a bit in the last couple of months.

i don't know whether i mentioned this but i went to s. korea and tioman in june. evidently, tioman was a heck of a lot more fun. i actually snorkelled! hehehhe... beautiful experience really. i am quite honestly hooked.

and between then and now, things kinda swing ard, up and down. though i have to admit that the second half of the year has been a lot better than the first half.

hmmm...what other milestones have there been? let me think...let's see how...

july's about nothing much...august was the national day hols which means that it's really no big deal...was supposed to go to KL that hols but that didn't quite go as planned though there was a "hikmah" behind that so i'm not going into that.

september...oh yah...erm, my guitaring's improving...but not by a lot...just little by little lah...

and of course, i just got back from bangkok...hahhaha...soooo fun...i think i want to go again..perhaps in december??? must try to convince those other buggers...i think travelling's made me more adventurous and seriously, i want to explore even more...go further...learn as much as i can about things around me...about what is going on...my heart's in it...definitely.

i think a change is in the air. in my blood.

a change is coming.

are you ready for it?

coz i'm not.

:OP

Ntah lah

People seem to get the impression that I'm this independent, self-reliant free spirit who needs nothing but herself. I would agree to part of it - the independent free spirit part. I hate feeling trapped and most of the time, I like being alone and doing things on my own. It keeps things simple. Fuss-free.

However, as much as I enjoy such freedom, I do need others. Of late, that need grows stronger but because I'm such a wonderfully private person, most folks don't know of that need and erm, yeah...I'm pretty much on my own. Which sucks. I mean, sometimes, I just wish I had someone I could just babble to. I don't need anyone to solve the problems I have or to make things right for me...just to listen. That would suffice. In fact, by just listening, that would be making things right. Coz, honestly, it feels as though I'm some weird entity that has no voice.

I keep harping on that. I mean, I have a voice. And yes, I agree that to be heard, we must make ourselves heard. However, I kinda like the discreet thing...so erm, we're back to square one. Anyhow, I don't really want loads of people to "hear" me, just a few will do. Even just one. One I can rely on.

Ok, this is not to say that I don't have friends. I mean, I got great pals and if I wanted, I could probably make them listen to my crap - which I kinda do on occasion. (Poor things) But, sampai bila? How long will this go on? They've got their own lives to lead. And some are already embarking on new, erm, partnerships...we'll call it that...and it's kinda intrusive to barge in. Yeah, whatever with the friends shd be there through thick and thin. But seriously, as friends, we should give those friends a break. They've got lives. It's selfish to always depend on them. It's just not cool.

My vocab sucks. I think that the longer I stay in this job, the more uncreative I become. Especially when it comes to journalling. I seem to have lost the knack and drive...Ntah lah...Aku pon tak tahu kenapa...

Anyhow, I've been blogging for a while but...I can't seem to publish half the crap I write...Ntah lah...


This is such an "ntahlah" thing...AARRGGGHHHHHH....I'm on a moody swing!!! GET ME OFF IT!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!

With that, we shall end with a swing song...

Pohon beringin tegak berdiri
Kalau rendah menyapu bumi
Menghibur aku, menolong aku
Bertiuplah oh angin lalu
Laju, laju buaiku laju...

I scraped the last line. Yuppiedee, I did.

Toodles.