seeking the truth within

2010-04-07T04:13:00.002+08:00

I am horribly affected these days.

I cannot seem to focus. And everything seems just a little off. While I should be thankful for some things I have, I cannot help but feel really bad about things I am losing or have lost.

Do you know what it feels like to be an outcaste?

I have been one for a large part of my life. Never quite part of anything. Never quite mattered but now...when you've been part of something for so long...to be an outcaste just hurts. I wonder if this was what F and S went through. And T. I feel horrible. Thing is, others might think I'm simply making a mountain out of a molehill but it's the little things that make me realize...I am no longer wanted or needed. And that hurts beyond anything.

Is it really my conjecture? Am I thinking too hard? But is what I'm saying making sense?

Can I handle yet another heartbreak?

I don't like people very much...they hurt me.

Again, it goes back to what is it that I want?

2010-03-29T20:44:00.002+08:00

For some reason, I decided that I need to start writing again. I have no idea who to turn to. I feel lost. Like life is some sort of maze that I got myself into and now can't seem to get out of.

Everywhere I turn, someone is mad at me for some reason and quite honestly, I'm just as mad.

I'm breaking down. I really am.

I lost my best friend. Not due to death. Nor fight. Nor some separation. Things happen. Naturally. As they should be. And I am happy for her. I truly am. But the reality of what I've lost hits me. Hard. And I find it difficult to get through this.

Nobody gets me. I cannot blame them when I am the one who is so weird. Yet. I wish someone bothered enough to try understanding. Though probably they realized the futility of it. What do I want really? What is it that I want?

Please help me get through this. Please?

I need to grow up. That's the bottomline, isn't it?

beetchy

2007-12-31T20:48:00.000+08:00

Oh hey...long time no see...muahahah...aku memang suka hilang hilang...bukan apa, macam chipsmore gitu...Now you see it, now you don't.

Anyhow, it's the last day of 2007, gregorian-ly speaking. So, what better time to drop by to assure people that I am apparently alive. Not that you care. But hey, you never know?

Anywayz, supposed to do resolutions and what nots and yes, given that one of my resolutions is to be less of a bitch...I would thus like to take this opportunity to be as beetchy as I want to be.

First and foremost, to my ass-kissing, brown-nosing, peacock-strutting, brain-addled nicompoopish colleagues, I hope you have a wonderful year ahead trying to live up to that perfect image you have somehow managed to dupe the zombified management team into believing actually exists. Seriously.

Secondly, to suckers out there who seem to think that being single is some kind of social crime, F*** OFF.

Thirdly, to those having crushes or in the process of being crushed...time to snap out of it. I mean, like seeeeriously....How much longer is the whining supposed to continue?? It's not healthy!!!

Ohhhh...which brings me to morons who have somehow managed to convince themselves that they are super-sought after. You know what? I don't give a flying fish. I'll be honest here...whatever you're saying...I don't think so. What are you? Naive or just plain delusional???? Come on...we're way past teenhood...This is SOOOO not the time to "I think about a million guys are in love with me, just that they've never confessed their feelings"...WAKE UP, ALREADY! If the friggin faggots are truly in love, then get them to own up for as long as they don't, then seriously, you're just walking on clouds. And I seriously don't think that I will enjoy being the one to have to pick up the pieces for you. On the other hand, supposing it be true, those friggin faggots better get their balls together...

Which is a perfect lead up to....the friggin' faggots. Are you a man or are you a wimp? Yeah, I get it...today's time...role reversals...yadda yadda yadda...I don't give a shit. Until the day you bloody idiotic boob-deprived folks are able to bear babies, I don't buy the role reversal arguments. Be a friggin' man and stop hiding behind a female...The saying goes, behind every successful man is a woman...not IN FRONT OF.

Erm, that shd be it for now.

Happy 2008.

101st

2007-11-10T09:19:00.000+08:00

Ooh.

Hi there. Obviously, it's been a while and loads have been happening. Some of which are completely out of my control.

Anyhow, there's been this thing that has bugged me for a while.

Now, evidently I'm single.

For some reason, most folks seem to think that I am or should be dating a friggin' farang aka angmoh. The thing is, I'm not too sure where they get this idea and quite frankly, it's not an idea I'm comfortable with. Somehow, I feel so SPGish though I know that's largely stereotypical to think so. If it had been just some random person saying so, that would be one thing, but I've had at least 5 completely unrelated groups of people who thought so. The most recent one being a friend I've not met in years.

I don't know if this was a compliment. I guess he did mean it as one. It went something like "don't waste your intellect on a malay mat." Dude, first and foremost, I'm not exactly an intellectual. I'm a friggin bimbo! Or at least, my brain kinda does the bimbotic routine pretty often.

Secondly, are all malays mats? I mean, seriously, I've been thinking about it and I've posed that qn to several people and most tend to feel that is so. Does that make my dad a mat? What about my uncles? And gosh, MY BROTHER! (ok, fine..my brother is kinda mat-ish in an abang-abang kinda way.) Aren't we generalizing it a little too much?

I mean, I've met non-mat malays. Though admittedly, most of these non-mats don't even acknowledge their malayness. Then again, what is wrong with being a mat to begin with? I mean, so what if a guy's a malay mat. What does that mean? What is a mat?

When I think of the word mat, I always think of shortfart...glen ong's malay mat alterego. All the stereotypical notions of a mat's brought to "life" through the character. His rilek-one-kornerness, the accent, the slight himboness....is that what makes a mat?

Den again, there're the scrambler biker dudes...the longish hair 80s mats with torn, tapered jeans and a penchant for sappy rock ballads. In more recent years, there's the trucker cap mats with tapered jeans (tapered never dies!) etc. But is it just the physical aspect that made a mat mat?

I get this impression that people think of mats as being rather...dumb, for lack of a better word. That's kinda sad, isn't it? I mean, being perceived as dumb? And come to think of it, is it even true? I cannot believe that I'm smarter than all the malay mats. THAT would be delusional.

So...hmmm...this has been a rather disjointed piece of writing crap but I guess, the whole thing's still rather disjointed in my head to begin with.

Oh well.

So, what is a mat?

aches and pains

2007-09-26T19:23:00.001+08:00

It's that time of the month again. Me thinks.

I guess PMS is pretty real. It makes you more emotional than ever so it's best to just lay low during this period and minimize contact etc with others because given the crazedness of the emotional crap, it can really get to you...

Anyhow, it just doesn't help when things come crashing at the same time. I think I'm taking things rather badly. For the worse partly due to emotional crap. That's what I like to think anyway coz I don't like to think that I'm this pathetic.

It's just been really sad.

I don't know who to turn to anymore. I just don't know. I feel lost and alone. Like, who's got my back? I have no idea.

I miss my friends. I miss school. As in, student school. I just hate this growing up thing. It's very painful.

I feel as though I'm going through a second round of teenage angst. Just that this time, I'm not rebelling or whatever. I'm just really, really sad. I feel as though someone's trying to choke me. And that no one understands. And I'm breaking down yet again and things are just getting worse.

I mean, there's work. Which is always a pain but has taken on an even more incredulous turn lately. It's such a burden to bear. Such a burden. I'm tired of it. So, very tired and yet what's there to say? Everyone's going through crap as well. Unfortunate, eh?

Which brings me to colleagues. I've got good ones. Really, I do. But everyone's going through their own insane moments and yeah, ultimately, you're on your own. Funny, the only people who can understand your work problems will be your colleagues. Yet, because they're also going through shit, there's not much support there either because they too need to look for sources of strengths.

Which brings me to students. In a funny way, they do give me strength. It's funny but even when I'm distressed, things change when I step into the classroom. I can start off being bitchy but by the end of the lesson (provided they're not being idiots), I feel a heck of a lot better. That's when I realize how much I need them. Thank You for those moments. You really seem to know when I need one.

It's a temporary relief but it is something I am thankful for.

However, being temporary, things can get to you all over again soon enough.

So, besides work, there's the whole personal life issue. I am egoistic. So, even when shit happens, I don't quite share it around but oh well, let's just let parts of it out...you know, broken hearts? Well, yeah...there's that. It's not that bad lah...I mean, I've seen others trying to kill themselves following broken hearts but nah...not to that extent. Partly due to the fact that the feeling wasn't that intense (that's a BIG BONUS POINT to aloofness. Thank you very much.) but it still hurts, damn it. And keeping it to yourself makes it feel safer yet even more trapped. Do you understand? I feel so suffocated yet I can't bear to talk about it. What can you say anyway? Boo hoo...I got my heart broken?? That's just crap. So there...

So that's that. Now and then, the family decides to get into the swing of things. It's a conspiracy, I tell you. And that one hurts the most and it's something I know I'm also guilty of inflicting. There's just a great deal of hurt all around but it has always been lurking beneath the surface. So, when something happens, the pain is more than it should be because it's a reflection of the pain which is buried. And this pain is quite unbearable. It hurts so much that it's crazy. I know it's naive, but I truly believed that things changed once we moved. I don't know...hencforth, I just miss home so much. I just miss it. I dunno...I just have not moved on enough...that's really just my fault now, isn't it?

Now, I just want to meet my friends and just have a crappy time. I'm hoping it'll be nice and crappy but then again, shit happens so I don't dare hope for too much. I just hope to slack off with them. And just get to be me again. Minus everything else.

Thank you for listening.

there and back again

2007-09-06T15:09:00.000+08:00

title seems apt at this moment.

it's been what...three months? and yes, loads have happened. i have been travelling quite a bit in the last couple of months.

i don't know whether i mentioned this but i went to s. korea and tioman in june. evidently, tioman was a heck of a lot more fun. i actually snorkelled! hehehhe... beautiful experience really. i am quite honestly hooked.

and between then and now, things kinda swing ard, up and down. though i have to admit that the second half of the year has been a lot better than the first half.

hmmm...what other milestones have there been? let me think...let's see how...

july's about nothing much...august was the national day hols which means that it's really no big deal...was supposed to go to KL that hols but that didn't quite go as planned though there was a "hikmah" behind that so i'm not going into that.

september...oh yah...erm, my guitaring's improving...but not by a lot...just little by little lah...

and of course, i just got back from bangkok...hahhaha...soooo fun...i think i want to go again..perhaps in december??? must try to convince those other buggers...i think travelling's made me more adventurous and seriously, i want to explore even more...go further...learn as much as i can about things around me...about what is going on...my heart's in it...definitely.

i think a change is in the air. in my blood.

a change is coming.

are you ready for it?

coz i'm not.

:OP

Ntah lah

2007-06-17T19:43:00.000+08:00

People seem to get the impression that I'm this independent, self-reliant free spirit who needs nothing but herself. I would agree to part of it - the independent free spirit part. I hate feeling trapped and most of the time, I like being alone and doing things on my own. It keeps things simple. Fuss-free.

However, as much as I enjoy such freedom, I do need others. Of late, that need grows stronger but because I'm such a wonderfully private person, most folks don't know of that need and erm, yeah...I'm pretty much on my own. Which sucks. I mean, sometimes, I just wish I had someone I could just babble to. I don't need anyone to solve the problems I have or to make things right for me...just to listen. That would suffice. In fact, by just listening, that would be making things right. Coz, honestly, it feels as though I'm some weird entity that has no voice.

I keep harping on that. I mean, I have a voice. And yes, I agree that to be heard, we must make ourselves heard. However, I kinda like the discreet thing...so erm, we're back to square one. Anyhow, I don't really want loads of people to "hear" me, just a few will do. Even just one. One I can rely on.

Ok, this is not to say that I don't have friends. I mean, I got great pals and if I wanted, I could probably make them listen to my crap - which I kinda do on occasion. (Poor things) But, sampai bila? How long will this go on? They've got their own lives to lead. And some are already embarking on new, erm, partnerships...we'll call it that...and it's kinda intrusive to barge in. Yeah, whatever with the friends shd be there through thick and thin. But seriously, as friends, we should give those friends a break. They've got lives. It's selfish to always depend on them. It's just not cool.

My vocab sucks. I think that the longer I stay in this job, the more uncreative I become. Especially when it comes to journalling. I seem to have lost the knack and drive...Ntah lah...Aku pon tak tahu kenapa...

Anyhow, I've been blogging for a while but...I can't seem to publish half the crap I write...Ntah lah...

This is such an "ntahlah" thing...AARRGGGHHHHHH....I'm on a moody swing!!! GET ME OFF IT!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!

With that, we shall end with a swing song...

Pohon beringin tegak berdiri
Kalau rendah menyapu bumi
Menghibur aku, menolong aku
Bertiuplah oh angin lalu
Laju, laju buaiku laju...

I scraped the last line. Yuppiedee, I did.

Toodles.

2007-06-13T12:00:00.000+08:00

Got back from Tioman. It was a wonderful holiday with some of my dearest friends. How can it not be a good one, right?

Honestly, I had reservations about snorkelling. I mean, think about it, I CAN'T SWIM! And erm, snorkelling requires one to be dumped into the deep end...but had to go through with it so I just whacked it lah.

And...I'M HOOKED!!! I LOVE SNORKELLING!!! I'm already looking out for other resorts that will allow me to snorkel to my heart's content. And yeah...I should really take up swimming. In fact, I want to get in shape so that I can wear swim wear without feeling like a friggin idiot. But that's not the priority. I just want to go snorkelling!!! I love it. It's incredibly fun. Words can't describe how I feel about it.

Okok...it started off a little freaky. I mean, I couldn't feel the sands...It was ultra deep and when I put my head underwater...I could only see reefs...beautiful, gorgeous corals and fishes...that kinda helped me to forget the fact that i can't swim...that is until the seawater gushed into my mouth and caused me to choke...and erm...reality sank in...so for the next hour...i kinda just clung to the ropes and sides coz I wasn't too sure about using the whole snorkelling gear.

Anyway...I got better at it as I practised along the shores and yeah, I realize that I shd have practised before going off and jumping into the deep end...but overall...no regrets. I had loads of fun. And of course, my crazy friends had their fun too and yeah...good trip. Perhaps, shd bring the other two bozos along too the next time we plan our hols.

2007-05-25T06:05:00.001+08:00

I have never been this broken hearted before in my life.

I am Muslim (with ageist issues on an adrenaline high).

2007-05-07T21:18:00.000+08:00

Once in a blue moon, something freaky happens. Today happens to be my "lucky" day.

Some psycho dropped me a note. Honestly, don't know who the crap it was but one thing's for certain, must be a blind psycho. Ko giler, kapa? Salah orang, kot. Nanti lain kali aku kenalkan ko kat makcik aku, eh. :OP

Apa jer...

It got me thinking though. I am ageist. To a certain extent. I do not relate well to older folks. Give me a break, some people like kids, some people don't. I'm not into old folks. I mean, I'm not about to go get a gun and go on a kill-'em-ol'-fogies routine but seriously, I don't gel well with older folks. Let's get this straight...older would mean beyond the age of 65 (thereabouts).

Then it also dawned on me, as much as we jodohs come in any shape, form and age...quite honestly, I would honestly not like to marry someone that's more than 10 years older. The fact that 10 years is already something I can sorta accept is already an achievement in itself. I mean, seriously, I know jodoh's jodoh. But it's just not something I can say with all sincerity something I will be willing to accept wholeheartedly.

Does that make me a bad person? Or an ingrate? Or an ageist?

I feel a little conflicted when it comes to this but the bottomline remains, I am not for May-Dec romances. It's sweet and all and I honestly think that some folks are very genuine when it comes to this but I will not wish it for myself. Please?

It freaks me sometimes how things we do not want come back to haunt us. It happens lah. And usually, it's for a good reason. There is always that possibility but at this current moment in time, please? Betol2 tak nak. Seriously.

Anyhow, I've been reading this Dina Zaman's book - I am Muslim. It's kinda difficult to put it down. It's very funny yet thought-provoking at the same time. I see glimpses of the dilemmas I face and the candour style she uses suits me to a T. (Why not 'S'? Oh well.)

I'll post a couple of excerpts from the book when I have the time. For now, it's my favourite read.

On another note...hehhee...me and friend went for a quickie. Erm, stick heads out of yellow goo. It was a quickie holiday. Minus official leave. Hehehe...Tiring but boy, was it fun! I had oodles of fun. And got myself soooooo many new books. Got about 3 Harun Yahyas, the Dina Zaman book, this teen-based fractured fairy tale book and a blast from the past chick-lit satire - Fabulous Nobodies. The only thing that stopped me from getting Salina was the fact that I doubt my sling could hold them all. Anyhow, it was quite an adrenaline-rush thing.

Toodles.

sing your way home

2007-05-01T21:48:00.000+08:00

This is what happens after korean drama marathon. Start lah feeling feeling merepek. Bagus lah tu. Amalkan selalu. Apa jer.

Anyhow, you know the funniest things come to mind at the funniest moments? Well, during a, erm, particularly private moment of mine, it dawned on me - I grew up. Seriously. I think I did. Or am still in the process of doing. But anyhow, definitely on a up-growing mode.

I look back on the past a lot. It's like a bad habit that refuses to go away. No...not quite being sentimental though I admit, sometimes I am but rather, looking back affords you a glimpse of what used to be and thus helps us to get a clearer picture of who we are today and what we may be capable of in future. Without the past, there is no present and thus, no future. Cedebah...

I have nothing against growing up. I mean, it's probably a good thing. I mean, it's definitely inevitable so erm, we got to make the most of it, right? But, there are certain things that no matter how we change, we kinda keep so closely to our hearts that they become a part of our subconscious. For instance, I had a weird dream. Honestly, I'm not quite certain what it was about but one thing was crystal clear...I was home. The home I will never get over. The home I will always be in love with, no matter what. The home with that bumpy wall I used to trace with my fingers whenever I couldn't sleep. The home that was perfect for me. So perfect that if given the chance, I will recreate it in a heartbeat.

What is home?

What does being home mean? Coming home? Staying home?

When I was younger, I hated going out as you prolly already figured. And I mentioned that it was pretty much summarized that I was being an anti-social. Whatever. Moving on, but seriously, I never went out much. Even if I did, it will be around the neighbourhood. If I went beyond, that will be to that shop down the road...which was considered a treat in itself. I remember the time my mum gave me 50 bucks to bring along to the shop to get some stuff and I recalled how nervous I was to have so much money to carry over such a long distance. But of course, my mum only did that because my good ol' neighbour was with me. Speaking of which, I wonder how he is. I hope he's doing ok.

Anyhow, I digressed, didn't I? Well, I noticed that ever since I moved to this new place, I've been going out a lot. I mean, part of the reason could be the accessibility of my new place to town and the like. In addition, I've grown up so my social circle has interestingly widened quite considerably. But...somehow, there's this part of me that feels that that's not all there is to it. There is a part that somehow is rejecting this place. Like it doesn't quite feel like home. Do you understand?

In addition, I noticed that I've become a recluse...More so than before. Funny. My family used to call me an anti-social coz I didn't mix with the kids in the 'hood. But now, I'm truly an anti-social to them coz I hardly spend time with the family and my room's almost always closed to all. It's as if I have withdrawn into this selfish place that I refuse to share with those closest to me. Sometimes, I wonder if why i do that. Is it because of them or is it because of me?

I've not felt completely at ease in a while. Macam, hati ni...tak menentu. Ni bukan case Amalina nyer lagu dangdut...this is about finding inner peace. It's been innercrap for a while. I meant that in more ways than one.

I'm seeking something. Yet, I'm not certain of what exactly I'm looking for.

I think I just want to come home. I want to be home. I'm tired of roaming and stuff. I just want to go home.

But I'm still trying to figure out what home really means. What am I looking for in a home?

For now, I'll just continue to dream of my little "village". I'll just continue to dream of home and perhaps, in my dreams, I'll be home and perhaps someday in future, I will find my way home.

Gosh, I feel like Dorothy. Must be the muppets' movie. Crap.

2007-05-01T21:43:00.000+08:00

I am in love with you. Don't you get it? Don't you see it? Of course you don't see it! What am I saying? Why am I being so pathetic? This is incredulous.

Now, this is what happens when you watch korean dramas which you just have to top up with a reading of happily-married-bubbly-person blog. Yeah, great. Now I sound macam orang sour punyer grapes.

get rea!

2007-04-30T20:30:00.000+08:00

"It's not time to make a change, just relax, take it easy..."

I forgot how much I liked that song till recently. In fact, it's only recently that I paid attention to the lyrics of the song and thus came to fully appreciate it. I like it.

What a way to celebrate May Day. I'm down with flu and I have a splitting headache. It's not even remotely funny. Actually, it's kinda funny. The runny nose thing is, anyway. I don't quite know why but I think it's hilarious. Go figure.

Watching Get Rea!. Good show. Serious. The current episode I'm watching's about how tourists are ripped off. Hehehe...so fun.

Good night.

knuckleheads...

2007-04-28T07:00:00.000+08:00

The knuckleheads may annoy me. Frustrate me. Anger me.

However, yesterday, they warmed my heart. Every single one of them. That spontaneous burst of cheers was the most beautiful testimony of their open and sincere hearts and for that, I salute and embrace them.

On another note, we all know how AI can be quite a consumerist thing and erm, charity shows can wind up becoming just another scripted money-generator. However, those smiles were difficult to fake. Those toothy grins reflected the excitement, hope and genuine joy that they felt. And in that moment, those grins made me tear.

We honestly have a lot to be thankful for.

I wish to do more.

More than words.

first step

2007-04-16T18:35:00.000+08:00

I took the first step towards my future. It's a small one but a step, nonetheless.

Never knew that such a small step can be so unnerving yet surprisingly simple.

There's no turning back now.

Is there?

coming full circle

2007-04-15T19:20:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, you kinda get to a certain stage when you have to ask yourself, what is it do you really, really want to do for the rest of your life? The answers are never simple and you find yourself searching and questioning and searching again. Different people give you different answers. Some people give you answers that seem to take you closer to what you're seeking but others just give you a headache. Funny enough, the answers that give you headaches might turn out to be the ones closer to what you're looking for.

I'm rambling. Oops.

I'm on this personal quest of sorts to find me. I have the liberty to choose what I want out of life but I don't seem to fully appreciate this liberty I enjoy. Some would have killed for what I have...Crappie, dear...what do you want?

What do I want? What is it that I want out of this short span of time I have on earth? Is it really about just making it through each day? Just trudging along as the waves pick you up and carry you here and there? When will it stop? Am I happy to bop along? Is it worth all the whiles in the world?

What do I want?

This is stupid but I am inspired by people like the those in Freedom Writers and Dangerous Minds and the like. I'm amazed to see how they inspire others. I know I am capable of doing something similar but what is it that is holding me back? Aptitude or Attitude? I think I'm not good enough. Hence, I wind up not being good enough. Second rate. That's how I've always felt and for that, that's all I can ever be. I never minded it before. I never cared about it before. However, I seem to think that there is something severely amiss.

Before I lay my choices before me...for once, let me just come clean.

I am an educator. I love my kids incredulously. At least, most of them. However, I have spasms of pemalasness that kinda put quite a damper on things, I must say. My bond is about to come to an end. I will be promoted soon enough coz that's just how things work, not because I'm fantastic or anything of that sort. My job gives me a great deal of satisfaction but it also gives me a great deal of heartache and yeah...headaches. To say that I'm happy would be a lie. To say that I'm not will also be a lie. Let's just say that I'm kinda stuck in between. My colleagues are fantastic, at least most of them are. So yeah, when you really type it all out, I seem to have had it made. I graduated. I got a job. And my job's not that sucky. I mean, nothing's perfect, right? If there's anything missing, it's probably in my non-working life...

Family wise, I'm the youngest in the family and the only one staying with my parents coz both my siblings are married with children of their own. And yes, I am single. I have no idea whether it's 'single and carefree' or 'single and searching' coz I seem to waver between the two. I have great friends, most of whom I've kept for at least 3 years. Actually, it ranges between 3 - 20 years. So I reckon that friends-wise, I've been pretty blessed. Actually, family-wise, it's kinda ok too. I mean, we've all got our problems here and there but overall, I guess, my life's okay. Which thus boggles me even more...what is it that I want? I have almost everything before me so why am I being such a friggin' ingrate?

So, here I am. At yet another weird crossroad. The roads before me fork out in every direction. Which one do I take?

1. Quit the job and do the wedding thing I like doing. Seriously, I'm pretty good at it too. The drawback would be the instability of the market and in light of the fact that I kinda need a relatively stable job, this might get in the way of things.

2. Move on to counselling. Again, I'm pretty good at it, sorta. But honestly, do I really want to do this for the rest of my life? Can I imagine myself speaking to person after person about their troubles and live like that? Or is it just another one of my dreams that I escape to when my own current job overwhelms me? Am I really cut out to be a counsellor?

3. Study. Take up a course on counselling or academic studies. The thing about the academic stuff that freaks me out is that I'm bloody lazy and scared. Will I be able to pull myself out of my own shell and truly explore things?

4. Get married and settle down. Another way of saying that would be get married and settle. Settle for a life that's there. I mean, seriously, that feels safest and probably would have been the first path I take had I been given the chance earlier for the simple reason that it gives me the security that I think I need. Perhaps, that's why I'm still single. I'm being forced to not just settle but to really think about what I want to do before I settle. On the other hand, the idea of marriage still freaks the hell out of me.

Somehow or other, other things will be thrown before me. What will I do?

It is quite clear to me that there is one thing that I wish not to give up - teach. I want to teach. But more than just the syllabus, I want to teach people to love and care. I want to love and care about people. This is very Ms Universe/World but seriously, I'm not kidding. But, it still doesn't help me. I mean, to want to teach is one thing. But what is it do I really want to teach? How do I wish to teach? Who do I wish to teach? Why do I wish to teach? Before the want, I need to answer these other questions.

Gee...hitting oneself on the forehead is a stupid idea. THAT is crystal clear to me.

tame doves

2007-04-13T23:40:00.000+08:00

jinak-jinak merpati, bila dekat mesti, confirm lari punyer...

There is this old malay saying about how pigeons/doves...how they appear so friendly but when you try to get hold of them, they'll fly away...this is with reference to people...usually girls...how girls appear so friendly but when you kinda try to get closer, they'll run away...something to that effect lah...

Anyhow, the phrase seems rather familiar of late. I realize that I am one of those merpatis...And it kinda applies to one and all...Generally, most folks will describe me as a friendly person but it's not particularly easy trying to get closer coz I have this thing about personal space...I like mine. A lot. And I like it private.

It's no wonder that eventually be it cousins or friends, I kinda drift away from them...I just don't quite like the whole buddy-buddy pal-pal system. In fact, I think the reason why I'm such good friends with my bozos from secondary school is precisely because they're like that too. We all love our own personal spaces too much to annoy each other. We actually like doing things separately. And to that end, we have a very interesting friendship which some may find weird. An example...a movie outing among us could possibly mean that we watch different movies at the same time...Even if it means that some of us might wind up being lone rangers but seriously, that never bothered us.

Funny.

Oh...this is in itself a revelation to me. So, erm, yeah...

Toodles!

instrument

2007-04-10T19:25:00.000+08:00

Instrument.

It seems that this word sums up the recent things quite nicely. Allow me to explain -

It's the SYF season again! For the uninitiated, SYF is also known as the Singapore Youth Festival and every two years, concert bands take a shot at getting the gold medal. I was part of one such band many, many years ago. The practices, the scoldings, the pressure...It was unreal. I remember wanting to quit many a time but I never could bring myself to do so. I was a scared, egoistic shithead. Go figure. Well, I took a looksie at the following site and what dya know, it's a gold yet again. Surprise, surprise. Somehow I recall that I wasn't that confident years back when I was put in the shoes of the performer. However, once a band girl, always a band girl they say and erm, I guess there's some truth in that. A friend's doing some band-related stuff and somehow, talking about it came so naturally...I guess, in spite of the everything, I loved band. So yeah, and to think the whole conversation started with a simple "instrument".

On another note, another colleague seems to be in some kinda mood swing. He sees himself as an instrument, a tool used by others. Honestly, it's crap lah...to a certain extent, he is indeed an incredibly intelligent and talented person which means that he would unwittingly attract folks seeking some kinda help. I mean, he's "the guru" but seriously, he's not a tool. At least not to some of us. He's instrumental to the programme we're conducting, not the used instrument.

And yes, it's me again. I kinda feel like an instrument at times. But then, perhaps, I'm just like my colleague...it's all in the mind. It isn't a pleasant feeling but I guess you really need to take two steps back to take it all in. Just to make sure that things make sense. Then perhaps, you won't feel so used after all.

Adios.

evolution of self

2007-04-10T00:31:00.000+08:00

gee. second post within a half hour. i must be caffeinated.

this isn't exactly a rambly, whiney one. erm, i take that back. it might be. let me just get on with it, eh?

I read stuff about someone's relationship with her family. I've been reading it for a while now...macam takde kerja lain...Anyhow, I'm amazed by the closeness of the family and the sweet relationships she has with her elders. Pretty amazing, really.

Naturally, being a typical female, a whole barrage of emotions whirled through my every being. Not just emotions really, but thoughts, memories...everything that can possibly engage my five plus plus senses just did a mini eruption. It's like different parts of me were reacting to the entry in different ways. As mentioned, the person's been writing about these things for a while but the recent entry about her r/s with her dad's what really a key trigger factor here. So, let me explain my innerworkings -

Now, there's this mini-me in me (i.e. the inner child and I'm not talking about a foetus) who felt a sudden emptiness as though she's lost something precious. If I have to recall a precise memory to go with this, it would be the time when I knew I would never see my stinky bald baby doll again. You kinda wish you had it back and you're practically demanding that it does but you know it won't happen so you just feel rather empty. I guess, it brought back memories of me and my dad and how I know that things have changed and I genuinely miss those times. It's quite painful actually, come to think of it. To think that we dismiss nothing as nothing...Funny.

Then, there's the rebel in me. That teenager who refuses to grow up. That teenager who knows that things have changed. That teenager who knows that she is responsible for the change. That teenager who is aware that she could have made a difference. But that same teenager is also very egoistic and self-centered. There is no chance in hell or heaven, for that matter, that this teenager will allow herself to be seen as vulnerable. And, to express emotions such that things could potentially go back to the mini-me moments would mean vulnerability. At least that is what the teenager insists. Hence, the teenager keeps things locked up within her. Suppressed. The only feeling she is willing to release is anger. Because anger helps her pride stay intact. Or at least, that's what she believes. As a teenager, pride is everything and anger is all that you need. That entry just got that part angrier...because that's the only way she knows how to react. Problem is, she doesn't quite know who or what she is actually angry with or about.

But of course, that's not it. There is yet another we have to visit. The semi-adult. The semi-adult outgrew the vulnerability and the angst but not the egoism. As much as the semi-adult realizes that the picture painted in the entry is an ideal that she should work towards, she does not seem to want to do it. She knows she should. She understands that as a young adult, as a Muslim, as a human being, as a child, that is her job. However, that semi-adult's still too egoistic to do anything, preferring to stick with the notion that "it's too late. forget it" even though her own conscience is close to knocking her out.

The semi-adult was probably influenced by the loner. That selfish core that has characterized the real person. The loner does not wish to answer to anyone. The loner believes that being alone means that she is free. Free of obligations...free to choose...and most importantly, free of the expectations of others. The loner prefers solitude because it is within herself that she feels most at ease. Safe. Secure. So, the loner believes that distance is the key. Hence, in spite of what the mini-me might feel, regardless of the suppression that the teenager has to endure and the plagued conscience of the semi-adult, the loner still holds firmly to her belief that to be alone is ultimately the best way to survive.

Which brings us to me. I am that loner. I choose to be one. Yet, the emptiness can be so overwhelming and I just want to retreat into my mini-me. But, I honestly believe that this could potentially be the best way. Being close to people...I tend to hurt them. Through my words, actions or my non-actions...But if others expect nothing from me, then I can do no harm, right? Hence, isn't aloofness a solution?

I've used that for years. It's been working thus far. However, I think I might be growing out of it. I don't wish to be a loner for the rest of my life. Somehow, I got to find a way to balance out the different sides to me. I know certain things will stay - the mini-me, the teenager, the semi-adult and even that loner...but I think another me has to be developed. One who can bring all the others together. I don't think I've found her yet. Or perhaps, it's just she, who has not found me.

funny how an entry can trigger such thoughts.

all in all, i miss my past but i am reluctant to reclaim it.

ramblings

2007-04-10T00:01:00.000+08:00

Don't quite know what's coming over me. It's midnight and I've chosen to start writing in my blog. Perhaps, it's just the coffee. But I think it's just really me.

I'm not in one of those depressed states, if that's what you're thinking. In fact, my mind is pretty clear at the moment. It's just that sometimes, the brain works when it's not supposed to and I guess this is one of those times. Honestly, I'm just rambling, aren't I?

I am not an intellectual. I will not pretend to be one. I mean, it's quite easy really...all I got to do is to latch on to some major event like some bomb scare or be an amateur Erin Br-something...then again, wasn't she technically an amateur? Heck lah, bottomline is that I don't quite care about those stuff.

Actually, I wasn't always like this. I used to actually give a flying fish. I recall hours spent just debating the rights of this and that. Looking back at who I was, I don't even recognize me. In fact, I think I'm cringing. There's just something really weird about uptight, self-righteous buffoons. Oh yeah, and I was one of them.

What happened?

I guess growing up happened. This is lame, isn't it? I realize that most of my entries center on this issue. And this alone. In fact, I've even noted it down most of the time. Yet, lookie here...same old issue. I feel so...recycled...oh, but then again, that might be a good thing considering that the world is basically coming to an end what with all the global alarm bells ringing...so hmmm...Honestly, are you really surprised about the whole phenomenon? We really had it coming. Seriously. Gee, should have paid more attention to Captain Planet after all instead of those damned turtles in a half-shell. I mean, lookie here...which is cooler? Blue dude with penchant for preaching or cowabunga toxic teenaged mutants?

My powers of digressing have yet to diminish, I see. Crap.

So much for growing up.

Gosh, now I feel like some angst-driven, emo-punk freak who thinks that being effed up is cool. In fact, I think I'm beginning to sound (not literally) like one.

Cut it, dude.

You know, part of me thinks this is a charade while another insists that this is me. Seriously, which is it? I'm not too certain either at this point. Had I been drinking alcohol instead of coffee, it'd be so easy to point the finger at the poisoned nectar. However, this is not the case. Hence, I'm either super-caffeinated, insane or mebbe just confused.

Somehow, none seem to be an accurate description of what I feel at this precise moment. I honestly doubt I'm insane. I'm way too logical for that. I mean, I get crazy ideas and can do potentially wacky things at the most absurd of moments, but I retain full possession of control over myself so erm, that doesn't seem like something a mad person's capable of doing. Though, I'm not too certain either exactly what a mad person is capable of doing lah. You'll have to be mad to figure that out. And right now, I've not been diagnosed as one.

I don't think I'm confused either. I might have been so at different stages but at this moment, I'm pretty clear as to who I am. Though, I seem to have a problem expressing it. Part of it stems from my inability to fully put into words some of the intricacies that make me me. Another part happens to be the fact that being the wacko that I am at times, most people just don't get me anyway so why the eff should I bother explaining me? In fact, even when I try, some folks just wave it off. Like it doesn't matter. Like I don't matter. And to that end, I actually get quite pissed. I mean, don't judge me unless you know me. Don't effin' assume you know me coz you don't. Even I take time to figure me out so please, don't be an effin' moron.

Oh yes, there's also another potential reason why I have problems expressing who I am. Honestly speaking, it's because I do not want you to know me. There are parts of me I wish for no one to know. Seriously. No, I'm not a closet gay. That part's pretty clear to me but there are stuff that I like keeping private. Be it good or bad. Some things are just not meant to be shared.

Overall, I get misunderstood. I don't blame anyone. I know that it's partially due to my own actions.

Just one thing though that I've come to realize at the end of all these ramblings - There may be things I do not wish for you to know about me but that doesn't mean I would not appreciate you trying to figure it out.

There now. That's a little brainwheedler for you.

Toodles.

backtracked

2007-03-18T23:18:00.000+08:00

I love you. Or at least, I'm very close to it.

I'm not trying to be iffy. I just am not sure about these things. So, why should I pretend to know, right?

But anyhow. Moving on. Or rather, moving back.

I'm very close to being in love with you.

This is not something that I have sought to achieve as some kind of lifelong ambition. It's an emotion that I have no control over. None whatsoever. I honestly don't even know when I started to develop feelings for you. I do recall that no such emotions existed the first time I got to know you a good 5 years ago. In fact, none existed for the next twelve months thereafter. And then...

Oh well, I'm not too sure what happened but...something just crept in and nestled within me.

Uninvited. Unnoticed. Unwanted.

Now that it's there. I can't tell it to go. It has its own mind. I have no control over it. I can only control my actions. But emotions? No one can honestly say that they have control over their emotions. They may be able to control their actions but never how they feel. There is a dif.

Anyhow, please tell me what to do.

subconcious

2007-03-16T07:12:00.000+08:00

I dreamt I had P.E. *shudder*

whirl

2007-03-02T21:36:00.000+08:00

It is a good job. It can indeed be rewarding in a way that other jobs will never be able to match up to.

But the price to pay is a little too high. The emotional roller coaster can leave you a complete wreck. It isn't even funny.

I'm just feeling a little torn. Part of me's relieved that the subject did ok. However, I can't help but just feel completely dampened given the circumstances. I will give up my 100% for more of my kids to qualify for uni. But as it stands, this is it.

So, even as everyone around congratulates us for jobs well done, seriously, does it matter? What is the point in a tiny group of teachers looking good if a big group of kids are crying their hearts out?

But...I am going to take whatever good that came out of this. I will not reject the pat on the back. But, forgive me if I'm less than ecstatic. Forgive me if I can't help but feel rather worn out.

*
Today has been a funny day. I have managed to laugh, smile, ponder, giggle, cry and frown. Most importantly, at least I know that I still feel.

bosses

2007-02-28T06:21:00.000+08:00

My Big Boss is a dumb show-off.
My Not-So-Big Boss is a tai-chi master show-off.
My Not-Big-But-Act-Big Boss is a pain in the butt.
My Wanna-be-Boss colleague is a bootlicking sneak.

crestfallen

2007-02-23T21:19:00.000+08:00

It's funny how something that has long passed me by can still make me cry...

I mean, it's over, right? Over and done with. There is nothing I can do to change the past. Nothing at all. Time wasn't meant to be turned back. I'm not Hermione and this is definitely no Wizarding World. I know this. (Duh.)

Yet, why am I still affected by it? Why is it so difficult to shake off this feeling of helplessness?

I'm just sad...Just sad.

I love my kiddos. With all my heart. Everything I have ever done, I have tried to do it for their benefit. Even when the choice I make is harsh, I do so with the best of intentions. I do so because I care. Sometimes, the decisions I make leave me with this guilty shadow that follows me around until I realize that I cannot presume to think that I know best because I don't. Allah knows best. Whatever I do, my actions mean nothing to students without Allah's will. And if He has willed it to be so, there has to be a silver lining to it all.

Anyway, my point is that, I love my kiddos. They make me smile and cringe and cry but at least they keep me from turning into a piece of unfeeling stone. They make me fall in and out of love all the time and somehow or other, that manages to keep me human.

Yet...all these don't seem to matter. What matters would be how much have I trumpeted to the world today? Is the worldwide web aware of my contributions? They have to be. Or, every single thing just does not matter.

Dear H,

I trusted you. I trusted you.

I bared my insecurities and admitted to my errors with the understanding that you empathized with what I was going through. That you could see how I had to struggle. That you were aware that in spite of all the crap, I loved my kiddos. I thought you knew that. In fact, you did, didn't you?

Then, how could you have done what you did to me? How could you have hurt me the way you did? I trusted you.

The thing is...the one you had held up to the skies...the one you were so proud of...that one...THAT VERY ONE...Once you left, gave an impression of YOU being the confused and inefficient one. The one you care so much about...turned his back on you. The one you chose to believe over the one who was struggling to just be herself.

In spite of it all, I don't blame you. You had your reasons and I was definitely no angel. If anything, I think I've learnt a lesson here - Eff the system. Eff the whole effin' place. This has but strengthened my resolve to find a way out. To leave when I get the chance.

It's just sad though because I really love my kiddos.

I love them.

If only you could see that. But then again, you did and...

You did not care.

Sincerely,
Crestfallen

Dear Me...

2007-02-18T19:13:00.000+08:00

Innercrap Loonie Loopywheedles. What in the world is going on in your head?

I thought you, of all people, should know better. You are behaving like an idiot. A genuine, one of a kind fool.

Stop smiling, for goodness sake. Wipe that loopy grin off your face and think about what you are doing. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? Apa yang kau buat ni? Crap, it's really time to grow up. You're 26 this year. You can't behave the way you are behaving anymore. You are not a child anymore. You're not even a teenager. You can't even call yourself a young adult when you're beyond the quarter century mark...

Crap...Stop being crappy.

even then, this loopy grin stays on my face...though my thoughts are still in a whirl in my head...what am I to do? I'd figure that out eventually but for now...i can't stop smiling...

A special note to Arseholes

2007-02-08T19:43:00.000+08:00

My dear, pathetic little creatures, I almost feel sorry for you. You probably have no idea what you're getting yourself into. You thought I was going to sit back and be docile as I have been for the past two years. You thought I was going to submit myself to the rubbish of everything and soak up all the filthy shit that you throw up. You thought I was a pushover.

You thought wrong.

I have never really been forceful or aggressive the past couple of years because I never saw the need to be so. I have no desire to climb whatever ladder of success, yadda yadda yadda...I am only interested in my primary duty. I have made myself explicitly clear on that. And you, being the foolish, naive and misguided arsehole that you are, thought that I would then be an easy target. Especially since I don't seem to have anything that I wished to gain.

My dear darlings, I may not have anything to gain but that would mean that I also have nothing to lose. And that's your mistake. You have severely underestimated how much more empowered I am precisely because I have nothing to lose.

You have messed with the wrong person. Now for every trick you attempt to play on me, I will match it two times over. And we will play out this game till the very end. I am not into politics. And I'm not about to start just because of you. However, if you ever put me in a position of a stepping stone for yourself, you are going to find yourself in trouble. I will make sure you regret it. If you wish to climb your spastic ladder, go find some other route. Don't you dare use me. You will not find the results favourable.

This is just the beginning. It will end here if you end it here. However, if you insist on pursuing whatever it is that you want to pursue in such a despicable and underhanded manner, I think it's only fair that I warn you that you will be in for a little discomfort, to say the least.

The game's on.

Remember, you need to win this because I have nothing to lose.

Regards.

2007-02-05T19:50:00.001+08:00

just wanted to drop by to say HI.

detached mode

2007-01-29T20:11:00.000+08:00

weird thoughts. ewwww...seriously...ewwww. can't type it out. it's just too ewwww.

anyway, my table's been "nominated" as a finalist in a beauty contest for tables. and i'm supposed to market it. uhuh. eeyup. can't i just let the thing speak for itself? like seriously, pictures paint thousands of words so...let them speak!!! anyhow, i'd take snapshots of my own cozy corner and you can judge for yourself if it's worthy of being a beauty queen. yech.

i'm kinda tired today. quite a bit of travelling to do today. here, there and everywhere it would seem. anyhow, i made folks happy. it was chocy day!!! and i was given chocies too thanks to mr super duper nice dude. seriously, he's the nicest guy i know and erm, i'm one of the meanest people to them, erm, non-fairer sex so when i say he's nice, i mean it. sometimes, i think he gets pushed around and you kinda want to throttle him for allowing himself to be used as such but because he's so bloody nice, you can't bring yourself to do it. in fact, when i first joined the place, i used to tease the folks around me relentlessly. he was one of those i teased. but after a while, i couldn't bear being so un-nice to him. i still tease him but not as mercilessly as before. he's just that nice.

actually, since i'm talking about work...i might as well blabber on about the this-and-thats of my working world. i've got great colleagues. seriously. i mean, there're always those occasional arseholes and beetches but i've managed to find pretty good friends in a number of my colleagues. i'm rather chameleon-ish. i can get along with most folks and my interests can be a little, diversified. so, in a funny way, i manage to find a way of connecting to different people in different ways and somehow or other, we become pretty fast friends. i'm not saying that they're the bestest friends in the world but having folks to talk to about mindless things just makes things a heck of a lot nicer at work.

i will miss this place when i go. i definitely will. i have found friends here but, i'd always be able to make new ones. it's a bit of a torture lah to do so all over again but c'est la vie. i'll survive.

oh...i don't believe in best friends. just so u know. i believe in good friends but not best buds. there just ain't no such thing in my book. perhaps, it's part of the detachment that makes me me.

u know how people turn to different things to "survive"? well, one of the means in which i do so is to detach myself from the people i care about, especially when times are particularly rough. i don't quite know how to explain it. i just find myself alone. as in, i find solace in being alone. it's one of those things i hold very dear. i don't do the exchange of emotions thing. i mean, sometimes, i find myself lying straight-faced and all. folks will ask, how things were going or trying to give some kind of comfort in times of shitness but erm...most times, i lie about how i'm doing. i just whackify things. and sometimes, people get the impression that i'm quite a goondu (fool) or worse, a bimbo but i don't give crap about what they think. but, i guess it can get a little misleading and at times, i want to kick myself for not being honest but it has become a freakin' reflex action to basically lie, or to put it in more politically correct terms, hide the truth. i suck at handling emotions lah...especially my own. it's such a pain. and i creep out when i hear things like "getting in touch with your emotions". it just CREEPS THE CREEPIES out of me.

funny. i'm being emo, aren't i? real funny for the detached.

thanks

2007-01-23T23:28:00.000+08:00

there are currently two things that i look forward to each week (and i am NOT talking about American Idol. don't even mention The Dance Floor.) i feel happy and lightened at the end of each session and it keeps me very much engaged. oh, before i proceed further, i'd just explain what these two things happen to be - counselling course and guitar lessons.

you see, i'm down for a counselling course once a week (make that a week nite) for the next 2 - 3 months. basically, i'm learning the practical aspects of counselling so there's no heavy duty psycho stuff. it's all pretty light and most importantly, it is PRACTICAL. a lot of things make sense and i'm becoming increasingly self-aware. in a way, i'm practically counselling myself at the end of each session as i go back and reflect on the things that were discussed in class. the 2 hr plus plus sessions always manage to whizz by even when i'm actually feeling incredibly tired.

as for the guitar sessions, i'm beginning to not be so pathetic at it although i believe that certain chords should just disappear and never ever come back to haunt me. i don't get those painful calluses anymore and erm, i'm actually learning SONGS. hehehe...oh yeah, and of course, my instructor's pretty nice and sometimes, we wind up bitching about our work in the midst of the guitar thing so it's really a stress-reliever of sorts.

which brings me to something that i might have not quite noticed as clearly before this - i love learning. i'm a natural student and i enjoy absorbing information and the reflection and practice that come with it. it's just a very therapeutic and enriching experience to be able to learn...understand...and basically, master something new. i love it. and it helps that i enjoy both guitar as well as counselling.

which brings me to the next thing that i've recently become more aware of - i enjoy counselling. i honestly enjoy learning about how to help others and i look forward to the opportunity to apply what i've learnt. the more i learn about counselling, the more i feel that i should possibly go further into that area. given that this is a basic course, there's no diploma or degree or whatever but it has given me some ideas on things that i wish to pursue should i go back to my books. in fact, i think i would really like to take up a diploma in counselling and from there pursue a degree and eventually a masters'. okok...the last two bits are kinda tall orders especially since i have a penchant for changing my mind. however, i'm pretty serious about taking up at least a diploma course.

so yeah...i'm rather contented at the moment and in spite of the crazy schedules and unending flow of work that drifts happily to my desk, i can honestly say that i'm happy. this is a far cry from last year and i am thankful for that. i am well aware that things can take a turn for craziness at any time but for now, i'm just grateful for the opportunity to not just breathe, but to enjoy myself.

alhamdulillah.

silly fool

2007-01-20T22:07:00.000+08:00

can't believe that i'm a fool again...

i can be so foolish at times. in fact, i'm so incredibly foolish most times. the idiotic part of it all is that even as i'm in the act of being foolish, i am actually aware of it and thus that makes me twice as foolish!

aarrgghh.

on another note, i had an interesting day. molten chocolate cake...yummmmmm....

masked

2007-01-19T23:57:00.000+08:00

fear. what is your greatest fear? what is mine?

***
again, the mask appears. it has to.

grit

2007-01-14T10:46:00.000+08:00

new pick new pick... hehehe...

got two new oinkies to replace lost ones...

***
so far so good...things look alright...kiddos are ok and erm, things are alright...heart's a little lighter and erm, i've got oodles to think about...so, yeah...

this year's going to be one of many changes. last year had been one of those uncomfortable settling down periods you know? when you don't quite fit in anywhere and things seem to be shifting here and there preparing for a change that has not come and so, being stuck in such a situation makes things rather crappy. this year, there will be change. certain things have already happened and i welcome them, grateful for the change. i have no doubt that there will be incredible challenges in the future months but i'm determined to hang on and i will. i will survive. in fact, i've got something to prove. last year, i was a disappointment. it was like the year when i effed up. this time, i'm hitting back. i'm going to prove me to me and then, i will leave. with a bang.

if you've ever doubted me in anyway or thought lightly of what or who i am, think again because i'm hitting back. this is the me you don't normally see but then again, this is the reason why i have always survived. because, when i've hit rock bottom, the only way i know how to go is to blast myself right up. i am going to make things right. i have to. i need to. i have to prove it to me. i refuse to be a disappointment.

you won't even know what hit you.

2007-01-11T22:01:00.000+08:00

Tongue-tied.

07012007

2007-01-07T22:38:00.000+08:00

i'm pretty blessed now, aren't i?

well, i've been witnessing or hearing about accidents here and there. oh well...anyway, got into a little one of my own. just a little one. so i've got bumps and bruises all over but seriously, i think i got off pretty well. let's count my blessings:

1. i was wearing long pants (duh) so the knee could have been worse.
2. long sleeves so again, the elbow and shoulder stuff could have been worse.
3. almost wore specs which i ditched at the last minute which again meant that i could have snapped it and cut my face or something. the vainpot in me would never have forgiven me for that.
4. the bump on the head was so high up that it's hidden behind my fringe which thankfully exists such that again, the vainpot in me has nothing to complain about.
5. i got an mc. :O)
6. when i went to get a replacement pair for my ripped pants, i actually managed to get the last pair which was thankfully in my size. incredible, eh? and at half price at that.
7. went to clinic to see fren's supposed cute doctor who wasn't in but what dya know? the other doc was cute too. :OP

i got several more blessings but hey...i'd stop here. so, have a great day!

cannot lah...

2007-01-07T00:04:00.000+08:00

gee. my first stir of the year.

went for a wedding earlier. saw many familiar faces. frens from secondary. from jc. from uni. from long-ago but never forgotten trips. from wherever else i can't quite recall.

people have changed quite incredibly. it's nice to see them. at least, most of them.

which brings us to him. he's not an ex-boyfriend or anything of that sort. he's a friend. someone whom i might have referred to in a prev post or something. i don't know why ok...but aiyah...simply put, i like him. but i also know that it isn't healthy to keep such thoughts so i kinda shove them away. and it kinda works.

however, seeing him there, with you in the flesh makes it incredibly hard. furthermore, it did not help that people kept commenting we looked like a couple (like hell we did) and a friend obviously trying to "stir" things up. it did not help that we hung out after the wedding and there being 4 folks and 2 cars, i wound up taking his. it did not help that he sent me home. it just didn't help and thus, this always happens. this is a feeling of confusion, heart playing the drums, uneasiness and a sense of wistfulness. macam, this is so effin' unreal. it's a very uncertain kinda feeling and frankly dudes, it's not something i enjoy.

i need to get it out of my system. seriously. u got a plan?

2007

2007-01-01T10:59:00.000+08:00

so, it's the start of the new work year.

deep breaths...here we go...

closed

2006-12-30T23:21:00.000+08:00

the year is winding down to a close. even as i'm typing this, the seconds are ticking away and a whole new work year will soon be upon me. my heart's been beating a little faster than usual and it will probably get quicker. you know that dread feeling i've been having? it hasn't really gone away but i have to admit that it was nice to see my colleagues after a long while. in a funny way, i actually missed them. i don't quite know what to expect so for now, the feeling of dread has been replaced by something that is a mish mash of nervousness, excitement, fear with a tinge of curiosity thrown in. it's just a funny feeling that's whirling around in my tummy.

***
on to more mundane issues: i managed to go to bukit batok, choa chu kang and vivocity all in the space of 3 hours without the use of a car or a taxi. it was purely a mass transport system that brought me around. i'm amazed. yes, i am. amazing.

***
i'm really sleepy at the moment. then again, i'm perpetually sleepy. have u ever seen me not sleepy? then again, u've never quite seen me, have you? so that's rather redundant. oh well.

***
oooh...had to attend a wedding. (yes, yet another one.) all i can say is that....interesting. hehehhe....the groom's really funny lah...he screwed up quite a couple of things but hell, if things ran smoothly, i would have been shocked. hehehe...but it was fun...while it lasted...i didn't quite stay for the grand finale.

***
at this present moment in time, i'm just sitting down in front of Snowie here and just blanking out. and as i'm doing so, the dream i had last night kinda popped into my mind. i had a dream of me dreaming of a person. something about me not quite figuring out why i keep meeting short guys and voila, the person i was supposed to marry turns out to be a dwarf. which then led me to becoming hysterical and waking up from that dream in my dream to a scenario of telling someone how ridiculous the whole thing was and i don't quite recall what happened next except the fact that i woke up and realized EVERYTHING was a dream. even my innerworkings not quite working. macam mana ni???

***
last but not least, to all muslims out there, here's wishing you a blessed aidiladha. to all non-muslims, enjoy the holidays and what's left of 2006. let's all just start off on a clean slate, shall we?

***
with that, this blog is now pronounced closed.

at least for 2006. :OP

kimchi, anyone?

2006-12-26T21:07:00.000+08:00

I'm trying to come clean. :OP

I don't get it. When I'm not actually "blogging", I seem to have a million things to say or write yet when I'm actually presented with the opportunity to babble happily, I seem to lose focus. Which leads to such mundane thoughts that I'm a little freaked to think that perhaps, that's all my brain's got to offer. Loser.

Heck lah.

Eh...I've been watching a lot of Korean dramas lately. And no, not jewel in the palace. I watch more mundane stuff such as Princess Hours, My Girl etc. So erm, let's just figure something out together now....You know it's a Korean drama when:

1. The female lead's a poverty-stricken shrew and the male lead's a filthy-rich jackass.
2. In spite of shrew factor, female lead always wins heart of jackass's superhunky, too-perfect-to-be-true buddy, also known as Mr Perfect or Mr P, for short.
3. In spite of jackass factor, male lead is actually ultra sweet and being jackassish only because he was in love with some superhot, ultra-cool (hmmmm...) Babe who will eventually fall for him only after figuring out that shrew could potentially be a source of competition for jackass's attention.
4. Shrew and Jackass will always hook up very early in the show but for very unromantic reasons.
5. Shrew and Jackass cannot seem to split up effectively until they have actually fallen in love. Warped concept but hell, I'm not the script writer.
6. There will always be a "makeover" scene where Shrew will be made to look even better than Babe and Jackass, being a jackass will have his jaws dropped and drool dripped. OK, I made the last bit up but something to that effect.
7. Shrew will ALWAYS fall sick and Jackass will ALWAYS look after sick Shrew.
8. Shrew eats like as though there's no tomorrow but looks as though she's been starving her life away. High metabolic rate seems to be a prerequisite.
9. Shrew and Jackass will be jerks to each other but no one else.
10. Shrew will be unshrewified and "normalized" and Jackass will eventually turn into Mr Wuss by the end of the show.

Gist of it:
Girls, become a shrew and then unshrewify yourself.
Boys, be an arse and then wussify yourself.

Moral of the Story:
People fall in love with imperfect individuals as long as they look perfect. In fact, the more questionable your character, the better your chances at finding "bliss". Uh-huh.
Oh....and another thing, there'a always a wuss in every jackass.

And yet, in spite of it all, I'm hooked on them. WTF???

To save my sould, I've been making sure I get a healthy dosage of other shows - The Nanny. But then again, isn't Fran Fine also a shrew? Hmmm....

2006-12-26T00:42:00.000+08:00

Let's see here...

My template's gone psycho. My tagboard's missing. My brain froze. So yeah, everything's going really spiffy at the moment.

Been busy of late. Ok, fine. The truth is, I've been lazy AND busy of late. It might sound rather contradictory but seriously, that's how things have been. Initially, I've not been updating due to a mixture of laziness and "I-got-better-things-to-do" syndrome. However, given that my cuzzie got married over the weekend, I honestly did have loads to do. A lot of crappy things happened lah prior to the wedding and it got too insane even for me. I just wanted to stay clear of it all. Fortunately the whole wedding went on rather smoothly although I did find myself peeved quite a few times.

Let me make it clear, I wasn't peeved with the wedding etc but rather the attitude of some of the folks who were around. Before that, I need to make it crystal that I love my family. Including the extended folks in spite and sometimes, because of their imperfections. However, loving people won't make me immune to anger and frustration. (In fact, the more you feel, the angrier you can get. OK fine, turn the yous to I.) So, yeah, I was incredibly pissed. If I ever get married, I'd rather a "stranger-coordinated" affair rather than a "family" one. Somehow, it just doesn't seem to work well. Sigh. It isn't easy getting married into my extended family. It really isn't even though things seem fine and dandy to the superficial eye. Hence, I've made up my mind to be extra-nice to people marrying into the family. I want them to feel welcomed and to at least have someone to talk to. Hopefully, no one will feel alienated coz I somehow understand that feeling and it isn't a nice one at all. I hope I can make a difference in that sense. With that, welcome to the family, dear cuzzies-in-law. And that definitely came from the heart. (Even though you probably will not even know I'm referring to you. Yes, you. Whoever you are.)

So there.

Ooooh. Today was nice.

And the sinking feeling starts to rise again.

Crap.

Home

2006-12-20T13:00:00.000+08:00

Finally!

Blogger's been acting up on me. Asal? Merajok? Ish, ish...

Anyway, been ultra lazy lately. Perhaps, it's a side effect of holidays. On the other hand, it could be the rain. Then again, I could just be cooking up excuses.

Let's try to pick up from where I left off, shall we?

Oh yeah, came back from KL. It was a fun trip. Though, you could say that I had two completely different experiences within that same holiday. You see, I had gone up earlier with 4 others on Thursday while the other three folks joined us on Saturday (ard midnight). The weekenders were essentially there for shopping while the rest of us wanted a holiday of sorts.

Hence, the first two days were rather relaxing whereby we didn't exactly have any kinda plan. We just went with our gut feelings and just erm, whacked it. We were torn between Sunway Lagoon, Genting or Berjaya but somehow or other managed to come to a decision at 8.30 am the following day that we were set on Genting. This is about half an hour before the bus thing was set to depart for Genting. So erm, yeah, last minute decision as always. But hell, it was fun. Oodles of fun. I've not been to an amusement park since I was 18 or was it 19? That would mean a good 6-7 years back. But I do remember the adrenaline rush of being on Cadbury and the viking. Somehow or other, didn't quite get that at Genting. It was kinda swingish most of the time. I guess the closest thing you can get to feeling that rush was on the Thumper thing that kinda dropped u from way up high. But even that only lasted a grand total of 2 seconds when I felt my butt being jolted out of my seat as the thing "dropped" us. But, it was a lot of fun and Genting's got some real pretty sights and the weather's pretty lovely. No blistering hot sun and that was kinda nice.

Well, the next two days were quite simply shopping days and erm, my planner friends went about detailing our shopping route with the focus of a military general on the eve of battle. It was hectic trying to keep up but honestly, I didn't really have much to buy so for most parts, I kinda hung out on my own and hunted out cd shops and bookstores. Yes, I am THAT boring. I did almost get lost a couple of times because of my gatal-sendiri solo trips but all is well. Ultimately, I did buy stuff lah though the bulk of it were gifts for my family such as chocolates, candles and other decorative stuff.

Speaking of decorative, I came across this place called "Arch" which sold what were essentially decorative stuff made of wood and they were so pretty. There were models of kampungs, intricate wood engravings etc. Nice place and come to think of it, the sales dude was pretty cute. Oh well.

Well, I'm back in Singapore. I can't say that I'm horribly upset about it but neither can I say that I'm thrilled. There is this heaviness that seems to have settled in quite nicely and I can't seem to shake it off. But that's another tale to tell.

For now, at least I'm home.

back for good

2006-12-18T15:42:00.000+08:00

haiseh...back again. this time, it's for good.

2006-12-14T06:51:00.000+08:00

Stuff's been happening lah but I guess I can't bring myself to really put it down in words. Perhaps, I can't.
***

Anyhow, I'm off to KL so see ya next week!

collage

2006-12-11T10:15:00.000+08:00

Certain things make me want to puke. OK fine, putting it nicely, certain things make me nauseous.

Funny things is, these things aren't limited to foods, smells or weirdo rides on weirdo vehicles. I mean, I have this baseballish type T-shirt with peachy sleeves...well...that T-shirt definitely makes me nauseous. Just looking at it puts my tummy in a whirl and my throat goes all funny and I just want to go bullimic. Recently, I saw this top of sorts...that too made me want to puke. Hmm...it's not that I don't like the tops...(for goodness sake, I bought one of those) but it doesn't change the fact that these things do give me a funny feeling...oh well...
***

On the other hand, I love boat rides. I like the whole bobbing up and down and then, the slicing through waters and the squirts that you get...
***

I'm feeling a little depressed lah...My job's starting soon and it's just making me feel really down...It's bad to feel this way about the job. I mean, I used to love it, damnit. A friend says I'm too nostalgic. Perhaps. I shouldn't be. I should be forward looking and be bright and cheery and to a large extent, I do present myself as such. But, it doesn't change the fact that there's this aching void...it's like I lost something along the way...
***

Anyway, yesterday was pretty nice. Met fuz for a bit. You know, I had a feeling that we might just miss the person and I did tell fuz that and what dya know? We almost did. No matter, really. It happens to us all the time. Anyway, been some time really since I met fuz but it doesn't matter, does it? Guess, being frens for so long kinda eases things. No matter what, fuz is the one person who understands me even when I myself, have trouble making sense of what I think or say. Kesian dia...lama kena suffer...Oh yeah, we kinda have this agreement whereby I would have to get married no later than 1 year after she gets married and she needs to make sure that should she be pregnant during my wedding, it has to be at the most, a two month pregnancy. Yeah...and no, we cannot get married in the same month of the same year. Our rationale is quite simple, if she's too pregnant, she can't help out during my wedding. And I have to marry after her, because she's always so slow so I need to give her the headstart. And we cannot get married in the same month coz again, we wouldn't be able to help each other out. Seeeee...we ARE rationale.
***

In the later part of the day, met up with another trio of friends. Went to JB for dinner and yup, mr alf got lost while mrs alf slept. Amazingly, it was not my fault! Gosh, things progress so quickly and before you know it, life kinda swerves in another direction. The last time I had dinner with these folks in jb, keparat had also joined us. But, now that keparat's a korporated keparat and erm, us just drifting apart slowly...he's kinda missing from the picture...I do miss him, you know? He is my keparated brudder after all...
***

Today's just going to be ultra slack lah...I think I'd call today my couch potato day!!! I have to make me happy and I will. So there.
***

Bye!

sneaky peeks

2006-12-09T03:06:00.000+08:00

Back in Singapore again...oh well...(Singapore looks real pretty at night...at least from way above...)

Anyway, it was a very nice trip...met incredibly warm hearted people and an experience that would not be forgotten easily. Just a brief summary, we(me and travelbud stayed in the Kuta area though when we had the chance, we did go up to Uluwatu and Kintamani. Unfortunately, we had to give Lovina and Nusa Dua a miss but Insya Allah, we will when we go over again....we definitely would want to go again...Nice learning experience really...

Kinda tired and hate uploading shots...takes forever so I'm just going to share my three favourites, all of which were taken at Uluwatu...so here you go -

I like this sign...the monkeys rule...literally...(Psssst: It reads "Only monkeys can litter")

This guy kinda confirms the whole monkey-rules thing...He may look all fat and innocent but behind that facade of tranquility (ala Hanuman), this is one heck of a monyet...In fact, most of the monkeys are real monkeys...They've all got sneaky moves up their little, erm, furs...Little, or in this case, not-so-little SNEAK!!!

Now, this is my all-time favourite shot...It captures the essence of how I feel about Bali - an unreal beauty that seems to defy the ravages of time and retains its serenity...

That's all folks!

flippin' mad

2006-12-04T22:49:00.000+08:00

Alo...

I overate and now I feel ultra bloated. Padan muka.

Let's see now, I've been grouchy of late but no more...at least not for the next 4 days, Insya Allah becozzzz....I'm off to Bali!!! Whoopiedeeeee!!! I have not packed. Nope. Not a thing but that's just me being me. So, no matter...

Fruitless day today but then again, was it all that fruitless? Hmmm...Anyhow, finished reading Books 1 and 2 of the trilogy so I'd be moving on to the third. And yessiree, flipper (my bookflip) has been ultra useful. I don't think flipper likes her name though...She seems a little aloof which means that she needs to flip more often so flipper it is...

Now...I'm actually sitting in the midst of an incredibly messy room...betull...tak bohong!!! I'm supposed to clean it up before Bali but erm...looking around...I'm in for a loooooonnngggg night if I intend to do so...which is a choiceless situation really considering that my mum will probably give me endless lectures should i not...

So erm...anyway, I've been rather rubbish-y but I guess it's time to really do some hyper-ranting...

I don't get it. Why is it that people can be so bloody blinded by their prejudices that they do not see the hurt they are inflicting on someone who is pretty much blameless in the matter. I mean, I get it...people have problems with each other...some take it further than they should and usually, the matter is of a ridiculous nature. However, don't bring others into it. Don't wreck another person's majlis just because your egos' bruised. Effin hell...I'm super pissed...

Part of me just wants to do something reckless like tell them off in their faces or something but I know if I were to do it, I'd be wrecking havoc not only to myself but also to my family and honestly, we don't need anymore of such shit. I'm telling you, my parents have the patience of a saint, especially my mum. She's got a temper and all but she never loses her cool when dealing with petty matters. Which is something I want to emulate.

So, I'm biting my tongue back and just going with the flow...It's alright, they can be as idiotic as they wish to be...I'm just going to continue helping the "innocent"...No sense getting pulled into the skirmish...Perhaps, I could even be the mediator? I know lah...a bit the fat lah the hope but I have to be neutral...No one can stop me from helping someone. Hmmm...sometimes, being the odd one out does allow certain benefits...Others may get hell but me or any of my family for that matter? We get away with it...because we've always been the oddity.

But enough about me...I'm leaving for Bali so I'd just leave my cares behind...I just want to break free, even if it means just for a little while.

BYE!

(PS. I'm developing wrist muscles. I think.)

one, two, three...

2006-12-03T23:24:00.000+08:00

Went to Geylang to look for something. Didn't quite get it. Damn it. (Geylang's real different without the bazaars...hmmm) So, got some sappy love story instead. Mummy dearest said that it's nice so since I've been quite a donkey lately, I went ahead and got it. Even though, I know I'm not going to like it much. I hate tearjerkers. Especially overloaded types...like "hikmah" and most other sinetrons, serials etc...aiyah..never mind..think of the message...the message...(ooh...the message's a good film...not the messenger, mind you. we're not doing french history/myth here...)

Went on to Bugis. Didn't find the other thing I was looking for. Crap.

But...all is not lost...

I found me my bag. Salesperson was real sweet too...she kinda let me use her discount or something... hehehe....shhhhh...jangan bilang orang...rahsia....(on second thought, did i have that "pity-me" label on my face again?!)
And another thing, I've been on a crazy reading spree of sorts...and I'm in the fantasy phase of things...so, erm...got me three new books...actually, should count them as one coz they're part of a trilogy.

Well, see here...I've just recently completed Eragon and Eldest. I'm not going to say that they're the best of reads but I like dragons and talking ones with conscience are pretty cool. (But seriously, the author's got to make himself more unique the next time he attempts fantasy...for a young dude, it's forgivable but no more...Tolkien is Tolkien and Middle-earth and all the connecting histories are his...Don't try to be a Tolkien. But oh well...)

So...I've just embarked on a new world...this time, that of magicians...starting with "The Magician's Guild" by Trudi Canavan. So far, so good...but heheh...the cutest thing I've come across today would be the book flip...It's just so cool...you see, there are two parts to the flip...one's a clip of sorts while the other's this dangly string...soooo...what you do is to clip the flip to the spine of your book and use the string as a the bookmark...that way...you will never lose your bookmark...isn't that clever? at least, i think so....:OP...i did mention that small things amuse small minds, didn't I?

Anyway, my 3 happy thingies...

1. My books...
2. Bus rides....
3. My bookflip

(For more information on bookflips, feel free to check out bookflip.com)

season of giving

2006-12-03T12:38:00.000+08:00

We meet again, my friend.

Got back pretty late last night coz of wedding dinner. This is the third such celebration I've attended in the past 3 weeks or so and I'm spared from other similar affairs only because of there was no "halal" menu for them...They (brides/grooms) apologized and never have apologies been met with such sincere avowals of "it's ok". I mean it, it's really, really ok. Mahal banget si ini wedding dinner. It's like prom (which I did not attend) kena multiplied. Eh, don't get me wrong...the gifts are ikhlas but hell people, couldn't you guys space out your wedding dates or something? It's freaking draining.

And I still got a couple more to go. Eh salah...at least 3 more, one of which is my own cousin's. This one cannot be helped lah..I'm kinda excited about it coz he's marrying my friend's cousin! The interconnectedness of this whole situation is rather cute. But then again, this interconnectedness is pretty common though it has always managed to amaze and amuse me.

Speaking of being amused, I've just been amused. I didn't realize that I was linked to some pgl musical blogspot review thing. It's a bit the weird to see yourself linked...aku tak tahu pon. Kalau tahu, aku boleh eksyen jadi reviewer...hehhee...one of my "berangan"(daydreaming) moments again...But, I am amused.

People say small things amuse small minds. Erm...fair enough.

Gee...I feel super tired at the moment...

***
3 things that made me happy (yesterday)
1. Seeing my colleagues at the wedding dinner and just having fun throughout the entire, hmmm, thing.
2. Seeing surprised/shocked expressions turn into smiles.
3. Getting home before midnight.
***

sorry

2006-12-02T09:49:00.000+08:00

Aiseh man...I was in Marina yet again. Only consolation is that I did not go to Suntec. Tapi ini muka ada plaster "city hall".

Anyway, went to work. It was just merepek. All those I needed to see weren't around so, bummer. My colleague cum friend was late so I went off first and waited for her for about 90 mins or so at Delifrance. You see, we were supposed to dash off together to "prepare" for our Bali trip. No big deal lah...I got to read my book so erm...that was fine.

Anyhow, we finally managed to scoot off and so we did. Spent ages deciding on friggin' stationery and erm, by the time we started to "prepare", the shop was closing so we did what we could - troop down to Esplanade. Erm, lady singing to crowd wasn't that great but oh well...

This is where we had quite a long conversation. About insecurities, marriage, support, sorrow etc. Along the way, I kinda realized how we often overlook things that are at hand while pining for those that are not. However, we forget that the overlooked are the ones that give us the support that we sorely need and look to. For example, in a class of 30 - 40. The naughty ones will stand out. Those will give you the heartache and yet those are the ones you try the darnednest to "win over" or at least "control". However, when you feel that things are just falling apart, you kinda look to the "stable" ones to keep you stable...I mean, that's for me lah...So erm, yah...

Aiyah...at this moment, I'm just too tired to think really...so erm...bye!

***
3 things that made me happy yesterday -

1. Having a brownie with ice cream.

2. Sitting by the water thing at Esplanade and just talking.

3. The bus ride home.

2 things I have learnt from today -

1. Realizing that you can't empathize with everything and everyone but you can definitely try to understand. (If you have not lived through something, empathizing feels rather superficial and can be pretty insulting to the person going through the trauma...but heck...)

2. I hide my insecurities behind my ego and it hurts others. I'm sorry.

***

the "date"

2006-12-01T00:36:00.000+08:00

Allo.

I just got back from my "date" and suffice to say that it was a blast.

As mentioned, I didn't get the flowers but I did bring enough epok-epok to feed the whole family. It was nice to see Cik X again after so long. She spoke to me of responsibilities and parenthood and stuff which kinda made me feel bad about how I behave towards my parents. It was kinda a good reminder lah.

My "date" was late but it was great once she turned up. She liked the dress and I finally got to give her her long overdue wedding gift. I didn't expect to get home so late but as it was, her hubby decided to join us once he knocked off from work and as such, we proceeded to Simpang Bedok for a late dinner. It was just whacky sitting down there and babbling and it kinda dawned on me how much I missed those times when we used to hang out that way at various places some time back.

They finally 'fessed up that they, or rather, my idiotic adik angkat did try to matchmake me once upon some time ago. I knew it at that stage and today simply confirmed it. I've said it once and I'd say it again - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MATCHMAKE ME. I recall that pathetic attempt. I refused to speak to the guy and basically ignored him most of the time precisely because I knew they (my "darling" friends) were up to something.

Another thing is, I dunno why lah but she (my "date") is the third person who thinks that I probably will not marry a local. I do not know why. What am I? Alien? Mana lah aku nak cari non-local? Kan ke merepek? Ntah lah...Jodoh pertemuan's not in my hands anyway. I'd just live as I always have and in time, things will happen when they're supposed to.

On another note, my mother thinks I have a bf. She has not said it out loud but it's so duh oredi lah. Kesian mummy dearest. She seriously thinks that I'm hiding something from her. Dia tak tahu yang anak dia ni betul betul takde masa untuk berdating-dating. Dia pon tak sedar anak dia ni ada sikit biol. Manalah ada orang yang sanggup buang masa ngan orang yang tak stabil ni? Haiseh mother, rilek ah...Gua swinging single lah...

***
Anyway, today was nice so hmmm, I'd just post three things that made me happiest:

1. Seeing "date" and family plus hubby and hanging out till midnight.

2. Getting to pet the eksyen terror cat which was so damn adorable.

3. The long bus ride and long walk that helped calm my nerves and gave me a sense of peace for a while. I needed that alone time for a bit.

***

suntec city

2006-11-29T22:11:00.000+08:00

To date, I've been to Suntec at least 4 times in the past week or so. Today marked yet another trip down to the not-so-little mall.

I've been feeling a little pissish the whole day. The whole day felt rather annoying and I just wanted to sleep but I had to drag my butt down to Carrefour in the late evening to run a couple of errands. It didn't help that I washed my hair just before that and I think the freaking shampoo kinda gave an attitude boost to my hair and it decided to be a rebel for the day. Macam nak shave ajer...Leciak betul...

Didn't manage to get one of the items on the list and unlike yesterday, folks I tried to smile to just turned away today. Hmmm...next time, I'm reserving my smiles for nice old ladies in the mornings. Hmmph. It's just a friggin' smile. You just need to nod if you think that the process of tugging the corners of your mouth upwards is simply too much of a hassle. :OP

But, in line with my 3 things that make me happy habit, here goes -

1. I found the dress thing that my friend wanted! Been trying to get it for the past few days (dari Orchard ke Choa Chu Kang) and then, good ol' Suntec's the one that has it. So, that was good. Hope she likes it.

2. Just when my pissisim was hitting an unnatural high, I heard Rhythm of the Falling Rain, this not very happy but sound happy song from the 60s or so which kinda lightened my heart and made me smile. My dad used to play that song (along with many others) all the time and I would sing along so yeah...that was nice.

3. I saw the DHL balloon. Don't ask me why that makes me happy. It just does. :OP

***
Oh, and one other thing...decided against flowers for tomorrow...:OP

under the sea

2006-11-29T12:45:00.000+08:00

Hehehe...I don't know if I've mentioned this but I finally got my hands on a copy of the 2-Disc Platinum Edition DVD of The Little Mermaid!!! And I'm pleased as punch about it. Erm, it kinda made me reflect back on this.

Thank goodness I got it myself. I don't think I want to marry someone just yet.

Plus, my matchmaking skills are atrocious. (I'm Miss Emma Woodhouse plus self-awareness...Must be all those reflection crap I had to do...)

flashback

2006-11-28T23:48:00.000+08:00

Allo...

Today's interesting. Little bozoic kiddos didn't turn up which kinda pissed me off but I half expected it so...whatever.

However, I finished my packing....so voila, my table's all cleaned up. I'd take snapshots of "cleansed" table...For now, I got the before shots ....

On the other hand, I'd do that tomorrow...malas lah want to upload...

Went to watch a performance of sorts. Not too bad though the "heart beat" could have been steadier... Met a few folks from way back in secondary...gosh...that was quite a flashback...

Come to think about it, today kinda felt like a flashback...

- The packing is reminiscient of my time trying to get rid of my clutter at the end of every secondary year (some folks might mistake me for being a karung guni's daughter and I don't blame them.)

- The performance brought me back to my crazy band years. The crazy, stressful yet strangely euphoric feeling of being part of "the band".

- The folks I met: From that senior of yesteryear to my ex-classmates... Gosh...time really flew by...

Well, interesting day.

***

Oh, and another thing...I'm trying to start a habit of thinking about 3 things that make me happy at the end of each day...So let's start now:

1. I gave and received smiles from total strangers and that felt kinda nice.

2. I made one of the kiddos happy by simply turning up and in return, I felt happy.

3. I confirmed a "date" for Thursday and I'm truly looking forward to it. Should I get flowers? Hmmm....

***

Toodles.

crushed

2006-11-28T00:02:00.000+08:00

It's been about 4 years since I realized that I got myself a crush on him. It's sooooo stooopid.

***

This is the problem with hols. You kinda have too much time on your hands and your brain starts to think about stoooopid things. I really need to get it out of my system. I hate crushes. It's not a comfortable feeling.

***

I never really had r/s problems because I never got myself involved in any. My kiddos (and some friends) think I'm kidding but seriously, never happened. I'm kinda glad about it though so erm, no worries there but there's this bit that no one can really run away from and that's the whole thing known as developing feelings. Simply put - crushes. Crushes are kinda borne out of emotions which means that you don't quite have control over them. I mean, you can always choose to pursue something but you don't quite choose the people you have feelings for. You know what I mean? You just do and most times, it doesn't quite make sense? So well, yeah...I've had crushes and I never enjoyed them. It's just an icky feeling.

Let's just reminisce for a while -

Hmmm...to make things less complex, all celebrities, cute strange boys you don't really know etc will not be discussed here.

Ok...let me see now...when I was in Sec One, there used to be this kid who would give his little sis a ride on his bike every morning and I always thought that it was hyper-sweet of him. Hence, somewhere along the way, I found myself looking forward to seeing him on that bike of his and hmmm, guess that was a crush of sorts. I know his name but I never spoke to the guy. But that's just me...Anyway, it kinda flew by...the crush I mean. Oh yeah, he was kinda cute in his own way. And WAS, is a key word to use in this case. (Hmmm...did I like coz he was cute or was he cute because I liked him? Hmmm....)

Somewhere along the way, got the more nonsense ones (meaning, random cute guys here and there) till Kaarat. Kaarat was the guy I knew during the PAE period (the "trial" period at a pre-uni institution). He was incredibly nice, kinda shy and had a certain resoluteness that I respected. One of the more painful things that occurred during the time was knowing he liked someone else and being the pal that I was (macam real), I helped him. Not that it worked coz the girl was so not interested but still, it hurt. I never told him coz I didn't want it to hurt the friendship and you know, it was a really good thing I didn't coz he changed as time went on and the Kaarat I knew kinda got lost. I still miss my PAE Kaarat but I guess people's gotta change eh?

Kaarat thing wasn't too bad lah...got over it pretty quickly since Kaarat became a jerk quite speedily soooo...that brings us to Teddie. I don't think I can forget how assholic I was to Teddie. He was in a couple of my classes and during the "introduction" thing that the tutor was facilitating, I remember asking Teddie which school he had previously gone to and went on to proclaim loudly, clearly and condescendingly that all guys from his school were top-of-the-line jerks. He was taken aback lah and erm, I had to eat my words because he turned out to be a real sweetheart. A doofus but a sweetheart of a doofus.

Now, the crush on Teddie wasn't one of those lup-at-first-sight (DUH). In fact, I had to befriend him mainly coz another pal had a crush on him. With rolling eyes, I promised to do so since I shared several classes with him. Anyhow, throughout the two years, he kinda got hooked up with some girl so my friend got broken hearted but funnily enough, we remained friends. It was after school was over that I realized that I liked the guy. We did go out a couple of times but I never told him how I felt. I couldn't lah. So, he went off to study overseas. We still kept in contact and in a way, we still do but honestly, I came to see that perhaps, as I grew up, I became more certain about what it is that I wish for in a guy and as sweetheart-ish as he was, he's not for me. So yeah...

And that brings us to Exhaust Pipe or EP for short. It has been 4 years already. Honestly, EP isn't cute. He's got a sense of humour that only he understands and appreciates. He's kinda rude and can potentially be such a friggin' jerk when he speaks before he thinks (which is almost all the time). He's not a SNAG (far, faaaarrrr from it). There's really not much to recommend him except that he's got a very kind heart and he would truly go out of his way for a friend. That is something I've witnessed on countless occasions and that kinda drew me to him. But the thing about him that made me develop such icky feelings would probably because we're alike in many ways. Not in terms of interests or whatever but rather in the way we choose to mask our feelings behind indifference in my case or rudeness in his. The thing is, we click which isn't really easy to find coz most times, I'm not particularly comfortable with guys coz hmmm...I don't know...I'm just not. He's the exception.

Crap lah...I really need to get over it. I'm sick and tired of feeling how I feel.

Aarggh...it's okay...it's alright...it will pass. Gosh, EP, please, go get married or something...that would definitely help.

Heck.

I'm waayyy too old to entertain crushes.

I'd rather be crushed than to continue feeling a sense of hope which is undoubtedly, futile. Just crush me and get on with it.

sleep debt

2006-11-27T18:22:00.000+08:00

Ni sesungguhnya random.

I've been sleeping almost the whole day away. Penat semacam and heehhe...padan muka.

You see, you know the Princess Hours craze that's been hitting folks all round? Okok, some folks anyway...well, I wanted to know what the huge deal is so I decided to watch it. And me, being me, refuse to watch episode by episode...Macam boring gitu...so, I decided to watch them all at one sitting (with the help of fast forward button).

Now the FF button's pretty nifty but even so, I still wound up staying up all night through...(about 8.30 pm Saturday night all the way to 11.30 am Sunday morning) and erm...given that Sunday was PGL nite and so I had to meet pal at Suntec by 5.30, I could only afford to sleep till about 3 pm since baju belum gosok etc etc. (I hate ironing)

Sooooo....today's the balas balik day. Something known as sleep debt and boy, was I paying back. As I'm typing this, I'm yawning away...gatalkan...padan muka lu....

On another note, I've mastered a couple of other songs! Okok...so mastered's not the word to use...I can play lah...hehehhe...I'm just happie dappie whoopie doopie glad.

Now, I've got to start psyching myself up to be all adult coz tomorrow's another work day and I gotta be all grown up. Bleargh.

On another note, next week's Bali week...next week's Bali week...next week's Bali week... come on, folks, sing along with me...next week's Bali week....okok..dah malas nak type.

YAY!!!

PGL

2006-11-27T00:08:00.000+08:00

Hey hey...I just got back from the Esplanade - Theatres By The Bay. It was my PGL night! And it was not disappointing.

Honestly, I had prepared myself to keep an open mind regarding the musical. I mean, think about it, first of all, the storyline's a little bit warped. Secondly, it compromises everything that Hang Tuah is supposed to represent (read = super duper blind loyalty). Thirdly, friggin Hang Tuah's a white dude who can't speak the language. And the list goes on. Furthermore, the movie version was a little on the s-l-o-w side with loads of cinematic rubbish and the like (eh, I did like it lah...) and the ending for the movie's a little on the bittersweet side which might not go down so well as a musical.

So there I was, all prepared for the worst and honestly lah, my worries were not exactly baseless but since I managed to convince Ms Cynic to stay away for tonight, it was all in all, extremely entertaining. For the three hours I was there, I just immersed myself in the magic that is theatre and enjoyed it for what it was - an exuberant and lively show with a couple of surprises thrown in. It was really nice to see that PGL didn't take itself too seriously this time round as it did in the film. I especially enjoyed the little Barry Manilow-like routine of Sultan Mahmud. It smacks of his overconfidence, overbearing-ness and frivolity, even if it was done at the expense of the charisma that is expected of a sacred ruler or raja berdaulat. It was just fun.

Besides the Sultan, AC Mizal definitely stood out in his portrayal of the Adipati and he deserved the loud cheers he received at the end of the night.

As for vocalists, most did pretty okay though the standout female performer for me was Bayan. She had this beautiful voice that was so rich and soothing. Most of the time, I kinda wished she had sung the Gusti's bits as well. Hehehe...no offense but Tiara's got some way to go. She wasn't bad but Bayan was indeed very good.

And seriously, what is PGL without the leads - Gusti and Tuah? Well, white dude's not too bad lah...his opening lines were pretty well articulated with the right pronounciation and all. He did have several lapses but considering that the guy doesn't even speak the language, he did a great job. Furthermore, he was real easy on the eyes though I think what really struck me about him were his dance moves and that deep, well-trained Broadway voice of his. Which brings us to Tiara. She's not a singer but it was quite evident that she had been training very hard because she sounded pretty decent for someone who probably never really sung live much prior to the musical. But her dance moves and presence were undeniably felt. I doubt another Gusti could have been good enough. But then again, who knows?

Besides the actors, the props and music were amazing. Honestly, everything was pretty good so I'm just going to limit myself to the props because that bit caught my attention the most. Somehow, the people behind the musical managed to capture the essence of different areas with clever use of these tall grand-canyon like structures, cloth and light. It was simply beautiful.

If PGL ever comes back to Singapore or even stages another one in KL, I would definitely watch it again (providing that the KL one coincides with holidays.) Well, great effort so huge bouquets all around for the people behind PGL.

I had a great night.

See ya!

emma-fied

2006-11-25T10:07:00.000+08:00

I've been on an emma-streak lately.

I'm currently reading Emma. It has been so for a couple of weeks now coz it's serving as my "travel" book since it's so cute and small. See....

I've also been watching these -

Hehehe...I tend to do that. I go through phases. I think once I'm through with emma, I'd probably re-read the other austen works. I already had my Pride and Prejudice fix (read the book, watched Colin Firth's P&P, Rai's Bride&P and Knightley's P&P in a day.) So erm, might need to revisit my Mansfield Park next. Guess, collectively, this would be my Austen phase which is part of my classics phase.

Hmmm...I'm just waiting for Harry Potter so that my whole fantasy phase can kick in. So erm, yeah.

For now, I will continue with my reading.

kiter testing eh...

2006-11-24T21:03:00.000+08:00

First of all, let's meet my mascot - Slang which is angmohfied for Selenge.

Ello Slang!

Ok, ni close-up shot...ALLOOOO....

Now, he's my friend. He's seen me at my wackiest because he sits on my table at work. Or at least, he used to.

So erm, elloooooo. again.

the real deal

2006-11-24T20:25:00.000+08:00

I am an educator. Let's not pretend otherwise.

Now in this little world I'm slowly adjusting to, things aren't really what they seem. Perhaps, I was the one with the rose-tinted glasses but let's just say that things are getting a lot clearer, even if they aren't exactly prettier.

During the first couple of years or so, I had big dreams and even grander notions of what it would mean to join the profession. At that time, many were joining it so as to escape the economic slump in the private sector but that was never my intent.

I am, by and large, a lazy person. I kinda like to go with the flow and the teaching track seem to suit that kinda flow I wanted. Secondly, I know for a fact that a desk-bound job was never something for me. Teaching again, seem to fulfill my, erm, "social" needs or so I thought (then). Thirdly, this might be hard to believe but I honestly felt that I could potentially help someone. Part of me have and will always fear screwing up kids' lives but another part honestly feels that I might be useful. Furthermore, I harboured this dream of someday setting up some school or something and devote my life to more something more than just a corporate job. I wanted to change lives and I wanted to do good. I just wanted to help.

Honestly, in spite of the fact that most believe that teachers are in it for the "stability" or "money", it's not quite accurate. Some use the argument that once the economy picked up, teachers leave the service for the pte sector thus proving that the teaching profession seemed like a last-resort. I'm not naive enough to say that this is an outright fallacy but honestly, most do have that little grain of belief that they could indeed make a difference. In fact, the reason most leave is because they realized that making a difference is not that vital after all. Unless, it can be spelt out clearly and can be measured either qualitatively or quantitatively. It seems that your distinction as an educator rests upon your ability to make your contributions known and validated. My question is, how do you measure dedication? Through the time you stay in school? How do you measure success? By the number of students who do well? And then, how do you measure concern? By the number of problem kids you counsel? How do you measure dedication? What about love? How would you measure that? By the number of thank you cards you get on teachers' day? How do you measure emotions and feelings and the depth of a bond between a teacher and his/her students? How can you measure it?

After more than two years, you kinda get wiser.

Personally, this year has made a cynic out of me. I don't know about other places but this is just stupid.

Henceforth, I'm seeking my own validation. In fact, I think I've found it. I love my kids and I know that they kinda love me. And that is something no one can ever take away from me and it is an achievement I can humbly call my own. Thank you, kiddos. Without you, the job is meaningless.

***

Anyhow, kiddos came over to my place and yeah, I hope they had a good time. I honestly wish them the very best in all they do and I hope they remember, not the lessons in class, but the experiences they've had which would serve them well in future.

***

On another note, since I have a digicam, I'm going to be snapping shots here and there and I will try to post them up. Erm, I was kinda inspired by this photographer and his telling stories through photography thing...I'd try that out and erm, just try lah...

muka ada stamp

2006-11-23T23:14:00.000+08:00

Now....

How in the world do I get myself into these things? Muka aku ni dah kena "stamped" ke?

Kalah Drew Barrymore dalam cerita Never Been Kissed. At least her stamp was washable. Mine seem tattooed.

Crap.

revamp

2006-11-21T09:25:00.000+08:00

this is in need of a revamp.

i am in need of a revamp.

hmmm...

snapshots of the day

2006-11-19T23:12:00.000+08:00

Allo, allo...

This is one of my more mundane crap entry thing. Which is like most of my entries...whatever.

Well, had a chinese wedding lunch to attend today. Obviously, it was an expensive affair. Phreak, he must have spent a bomb. But then again, most weddings are like that, aren't they? (Is it even necessary? Sigh...) But, it was indeed very nicely done and he obviously put a lot of thought into the whole planning of the event which I think is commendable and much appreciated by one and all. At least, I did. Plus, I met my buddy from my prev. workplace! She looked great and sheesh, I miss her humour so much. Funny, funny girl.

Amazingly, the whole thing ended pretty promptly and we got to scoot off by 3.30. That was when we took a walk down the riverside towards almost every female's utopia - shopping malls. Managed to get a wedding gift (bankrupt aku bulan ni dibuatnya...) for yet another colleague. He's a real nice guy so it seemed rather assholic not to get him something. So anyway, in between the browsing and shopping, we figured that there's something real wrong at work and yet, the main folks don't even seem to see it. It's incredulous how easily some folks are taken in by showiness and obviously, spirit dampening. Hence, I quite honestly don't care about what my performance grade's going to be. It's just crap lah. It's like, the more you show the better you do and I just don't buy that. I think it's utter bull and whatever lah. Talking or writing about it just gets to me and it isn't healthy. I'm just concerned about next year. The people who are able to see through such acts and have the decency to look beyond the superficial are leaving and...what's going to happen then? Whatever lah...I'm just going to do a bimbo act lah and look forward to the superficial such as - vivocity's going to make a great place for doing work coz it has such a cozy ambience and a perfect view...yeah, that's me...I need to be comfortable and relaxed...It helps the brain ease up and think better.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm truly in the right job. I mean, I don't regret taking this up. I've made great friends and created fond memories and to a certain extent, I might have been of some use to some folks but increasingly, I've felt a certain "disconnection" from my job. I used to be excited about new things and was incredibly open to changes etc but of late, I just don't quite give a damn. Everything's turning out to be a charade and I'm just bloody sick of it. I want to help. I just want to help. I don't freaking need the recognition but I cannot accept having arses being held up as shining beacons of light when ....aarrghh...this is just annoying. Eff it lah, crap, it's not worth it.

I have also started to rethink my "dream" of long ago. I'm a dreamer lah so got many dreams but reality's so far away...Well, I used to envision setting up a school of sorts but I guess that was borne out of an idealism that was not rooted in reality. I know nuts about management and frankly, I will never be happy managing something like that even though the idea's all well and good so erm, scrape that. My other dream's more realistic (not much more lah) but it's something I would probably enjoy above all else...I used to dream that I could set up a gift-shop of sorts cum bookstore...Though the focus would be on the gift aspect. It's not really a gift store in a sense where people can come in and get something and be done with it but rather, it's a service that's being offered. My dream was to help people get the "perfect" gift. As in, instead of just selling a gift off the shelf, my job is to spend time with each client and gather information about the person that the client's getting a gift for and thus work on getting a "perfect" gift complete with the packaging etc for that person. It's like concierge but specific to gift-giving. My main point is, I love gifts that have been well-thought out and somehow, in today's world, people get too busy so erm my service can help? Then again, that'd just make folks even more complacent and thoughtless and erm, that's no good either eh? Fine, guess I got to scrape that too?

Aiyah...for now, I'm just going to brave through whatever comes my way. Whatever it is, each experience is a learning point in itself so I'd just take it like going for classes or taking up a course or something.

Ok, besides the whole crappadoodle nonsense, back to my day....

My colleague left a little earlier leaving me to wander on my own. Now, this is a very dangerous thing to do. My NETS is not safe when I'm alone. And true enough, it wasn't. I was walking along in Suntec City when I realized eh, got this IT annex thing of sorts so erm, I decided to venture in. So exciting one...Anyway, found myself in a store and erm, that's where I found myself speaking to the sales dude and the next thing I knew, I was keying in my PIN and voila, a new digicam found me! I managed to find me some exc-, I mean, reasons for my momentary (sorta) lapse. But you know what? I like the thing. It's cute. Anyway, I didn't realize it was so late that by the time I got it, I kinda had to rush home and that's when I noticed calamity's house of mouse. Oh well, didn't really manage to stop by but the doggie reminds me of my colleague's pet and it looked cute.

So there. Now, I'm just a little zoinked out with a new digicam.

Now, have I mentioned that I hate being in photographs? And that part of me believes that memories mean more than photos but oh well, that's just one part of me. So, erm, we shall see which part of me prevails in time...

See ya!

Psyched Up

2006-11-18T09:28:00.000+08:00

So, I haven't been updating much. Oops.

Anyway, here's the lowdown -

The week's been nothing short of great.

Let's start with Sunday (12 Nov) - Fren got married. Huge sigh of relief there. Had a jalan raya of sorts with buddies. It had FUN stamped all over.

Monday was the normal, everyday kinda day which made it a real nice day. Oh yeah, dropped by borders and got loads of books so yeah, it was ggreattt.

Tuesday was the work till quite late day but given the short stopover at Popular bookstore, it was nice.

Wednesday was spec-snapping day at Vivocity. Hehee...I tried to fix my specs but wound up snapping it into two. Found myself practically blind for the next half hour and frankly, being short sighted and trying to read directories, signs and faces in a place that's kinda foreign to you isn't the best of ideas. But anyway, managed to find myself a specko shop, got lenses and a new pair that'd be ready in 10 days or so. So anyhow, once we got that cleared up, I found myself walking aimlessly in between catching a movie and just kinda appreciating the new mall. It kinda grows on you.

Thursday was go chop hair then meet buddies for dinner last minute day and that definitely worked out fine.

Friday was clean up office, the kornerians' pizza-ice-cream end-of-official-work-year celebration and a last minute decision to troop down to vivocity again - this time with a colleague. She found it as pleasant an experience and we discovered several nooks and crannies to just chill AND a new bookstore - Page One.

Which brings us to Saturday i.e. today. I can feel that it's going to be a great day with my idiotifically insane buddies coming over at about 4 for a slack-session masquerading as a hari-raya outing. So yeah...I'm all psyched up. I feel blessed to have been able to enjoy this week. Alhamdulillah.

Hehehe...BYE! I hope your week was great too!

relief part II

2006-11-12T23:58:00.000+08:00

Finally! I have time for ME!!!

Well, the previous week's been quite crazy. I've had to deal with a camp, a course, a dept dinner, major national exams, revision lessons while completing about 12-13 trays of bridal gifts on top of which I had a fever on two out of those seven nights...And it has all come to today...

I'm glad it's over. I'm glad it went well. I'm just glad.

However, I'm more than glad with my house-visiting thing...Gosh, I miss my friends terribly...All the other folks you get to know after teenhood are just different, you know? These folks...this bunch of crazy, burping-farting competitorish friends I've known for at least 10 years...they make me feel like me all over again...and I missed them so much...So, it was great to get to see them especially after such a hectic week. I had come close to just losing my cool so many times this week that I think it was a godsend to have gone to the far east and just do the lepak-thing...

PLUS, besides the Bali trip, we've managed to sorta confirm a very short but potentially very crazy weekend getaway to KL. I hope it works out. It's funny...we've been friends for so long but we've never had a trip together...Ok, the school-organized educational trips of eons ago DO NOT count.

For now, I'm just relieved and happy.

:O)

(PS. That should clear up any potential misunderstanding regarding my previous post...)

relief

2006-11-11T10:52:00.000+08:00

i did it. :O)

pening lalat

2006-11-09T00:09:00.000+08:00

Felt ultra crappy today when I got back. Super duper high fever after a day at "camp".

But, I feel a little better now save the little sore throat.

On another note, "camp" had its moments...

Plus, I'm now ready to brave the night and complete the whole decor thing.

I CAN do it.

I WILL do it.

I BETTER do it.

Bye!

ponder

2006-11-03T23:28:00.000+08:00

Ni eh...pikir pikir balik...nak letak addy journal lama ke tak nak ah? aku pon tak tahu...macam nak jadi ada jugak, apa orang kata...itu "flow"..."evolution"...then again, kalau dah link link...might as well aku tak tukar blog seh...kan ke perkara bodoh? apa yang aku merepek ni pon aku tak tahu...tengah meraban lah ni...

merepek meraban, taik itik dalam jamban...

riiigghhhttt.....

sebenarnya, actually ah...aku ni ada online journal dah lebih dari lima...belambak...takde kerja lain lah katakan...tapi, ntah kenapa, susah sangat nak simpan...mungkin benar jugak kawan kawan aku katakan aku ni jenis "fickle-minded". memang pon...fickle rabak siak...senang sangat berubah fikiran...it's not a strength, i know that...but it's so much a part of me that almost everyone who's close enough to me would use "fickle" to describe me should they need to come up with a single adjective for me. perhaps, that would explain why i don't have just one hobby...i have numerous. within a day, i can do, or rather, i need to do several different things so that i don't get bored...i'm just a friggin kid lah...

ok, back to the online journals...as mentioned, i have more than 5.

i actually started a long time ago...when the whole concept of online blogging was rather obscure. i came across a teenage girl's blog and i was impressed by her maturity, written work and the like such that i was inspired to start an online journal. my very first entry was dated 19 September 2001. 8 days after September 11th. perhaps, i was also compelled to write following the circumstances at that time. it was, in a strange way, inspiring. 2001. i was such a kid. full of idealism. romanticism. and every other nonsensism that existed. reading my entries all over again, i kinda cringed (still cringing). i was a student - care-free and holding the world in the palm of my hand or so it felt...it was wonderful reliving those pasts even though erm, i should have exercised greater restraint in some of the things i said...

soon after, i became a diaryland-er. and i loved it. in fact, i have about 3 diaryland blogs. one was replaced by the another while the third was a locked one that dealt primarily with my heart-related woes or any other issue that was just way too personal to share, even to an anonymous online community.

i did experiment with blogspot. i had one with just one entry. i had intended it to be a more "intellectual" one but erm...that didn't work. i had a couple of others that were work-related, actually, make that 3 and counting which brings us to YOU. you are my latest friend. i do intend to keep you but if i don't, don't take it personally. it's not you, it's me.

hmmm, and i think that along the way, i did create multiply accts, friendster blog and whatever else but oh well...

now, this kinda confirms the notion that i am indeed frivolous and inconsistent but know this...no matter how many journals i have, no matter what or how i write...one thing has remained my primary aim - anonymity to be preserved. i do not write for others to get to know me. i write for me. to ease the stress and fears of the day. to share my work(if any) and my experiences. to simply write for the sake of it. hence, anonymity works fine and i have held true to that concept as long as possible hence, it would be inprobable for me to ever post personal pictures. not going to happen.

tell you the truth. sometimes, i do wish i wd just put up coz it's kinda fun when people know you and you know people because you kinda make friends but eh, i don't need journalling. my friggin job allows me to do that and hey, i get paid for it! so hmm...bottomline is, i like my anonymity. hence, supposing you think u know me, i wd appreciate it if you would drop me a pte message (dunno how) or let things be rather than announce my name to one and all in my blog. i just want the anonymity.

i need it.

thank you for reading.

mundane matters

2006-11-03T20:44:00.000+08:00

Hello all.

Had a relatively nice day. Forgot my phone. (typical) Amazingly, I was NOT late for work in spite of tranisland's "fantastic" services. Realized I got many, many decor crappadoodles to do...la dee dee da...oh well...

Anyway, got some pretty beads to fiddle with. Hmmm...honestly, the last time I did beadwork, I was in secondary school (that's high school to some) and erm, I remember pricking my fingers and no, I never swooned and fell into a deep 100 year slumber to be awoken by a handsome prince in the midst of a jungle-like, fit-for-Tarzan castle...okok...I digressed, didn't I?

My point is, I got my weekend all planned out...

To do (or not to do) List
WANT to do
1. Read "Emma". I've been on an Austen roll....
2. Watch "Emma" and compare it to the book.
3. Watch "The Lake House" for Keanu Reeves (and to a smaller extent, Sandra B.)
4. Watch "Legend" (NOT because of Tom C.)
5. Watch Kabhie Alvida Naa Kehna just because.
6. Play guitar.
7. Laze.
8. Re-arrange flowers.
me thinks that me having a very pompuanish weekend...hmmm...

HAVE to do
1. Prepare tray thing.
2. Prepare chocolate gift.
3. Prepare work review stuff.
4. Prepare notes.
5. Play guitar (or else...)
6. Have consultations.
7. Have meeting.
8. Receive guests.
9. Eat. Sleep. Drink.

Hmmm...looks like a busy, busy weekend...DIE!!!

Now, I'm pretty certain I forgot something. Something important...What could it be? Hmmm....

Toodles!

mid-week smilies

2006-11-01T21:36:00.000+08:00

Hey hey...Just a little funny video for one and all...At least, it put a smile on my face...

Beeyooteefool

2006-10-31T22:52:00.000+08:00

Wow...It has been a while, hasn't it?

Been rather busy these days. Infact, I will probably get even busier. Got some wedding stuff to do for friend...PRESSURE!!! Gua tak bleh tahan...Leciak ah ini suma kawin kawin...Lu mahu kawin, lu kawin aja lah...banyak leciak lor ni pompuan mau kawin...

Ignore that. That's another weirdo side of me...leave it be...

Anyway, tried my hand at floral arrangement and guess what? I don't suck. Amazing. I mean, it's not fantastic but at least, there's some semblance of flowers being arranged. Hehehe...dah boleh bukak florist...Macam real jer...

I went a little wacky...

Eh...I met one of my old friends...Wahh...it was great seeing her. Made me kinda recall a whole bunch of things..

Anyway, let me just do a short update of what's been happening -

Friday and Saturday were jalan-raya days...I lost count of the number of houses I went to...Going over to different houses and seeing how different people are living can make you go rather reflective...This is especially so when I visit the homes of the elderly...I start to wonder, what would I be like when I get to their age? Would I have visitors? Would the visitors be the annual type (much like what I just did) or will they be regular ones? What happens if I were to be alone at that age? Would I be in a home? Would I have amnesia or gone senile? It just makes you wonder...There were a couple of old ladies who were wonderfully looked after by their daughters...The thing is, it made me wonder what would happen when the elderly ones pass away and the daughters grow old...Who will be the ones to look after them considering that they chose singlehood in order to look after their aged parents? I saw elderly who seem forgotten...It's quite heart-wrenching...All in all, an eye-opening experience...

Sunday was slack around at home and do nothing day....BEEYOOTEEFOOL....

Monday and Tuesday...WORK...BAH!

Before I leave, I want to share wise words from my nephew:

Question: Do you find her pretty? (Referring to picture of lady on green packet for kids) She's pretty, right?
Answer: Hmmm...I want to see her face without make up...This one all got make up...

He made me smile when he said that. If only he retains such wisdom as he gets older...

The Finale

2006-10-27T07:41:00.000+08:00

Whoopiedoodles! My, my, my beautiful Friday...How are you? :OD

Anyway, it was sorta a half day thing at work yesterday so my colleagues and I decided to catch a show. I had some bits of things to finish up so the other folks went off first for lunch and I caught up with them later. Anyway, before this turns too narrative: I booked my holiday!!!

Bali, here we come. Hehehe...I don't quite know what came over us in that instance but the next thing we knew, we had booked a flight out to Bali. It's a little unnerving to think that we just did that with no second thoughts but no regrets. I want to go to Bali. I want to see the nature, the history, the everything. I want to know more about SEAsia. That has been my aim. I want to travel to all SEAsian countries and explore them. This region is incredibly fascinating. I think I wrote about it in my older blogs, if I were to get married (BIG IF), I want my honeymoon to be a sorta backpacker thing through a SEAsian country. I want that. Will it happen? Oh well...

Afterwhich, I got tickets to Puteri Gunung Ledang. My colleague was trying hard to suppress laughter as I told her about the tale of the Princess of Mt Ophir. To a certain extent, it is all a little over the top but when you scrape off the mumbo jumbo and spiritual bits, it's a telling tale of megalomania and the futility of certain things we do in life. I've watched, or tried to watch and read every version of the Princess I can come across. The thing is, I have a thing for legends (hence, my fascination with Bali and the rest of SEAsia) and myths. I don't really believe most of the crap but I do believe that there's a grain of truth behind each and every myth or at least a moral shared. So erm, let's see how the musical unfolds...

Last thing - The Prestige.

Brain-addling, mind-bending, jaw-dropping show that is everything it set itself out to be -It was a magic trick in itself. Or is it really trickery? Man, it's a brilliant show and yes, I can confirm that I am in "love" with Christian Bale. Sigh. I've liked the guy since Empire of the Sun and Little Women. Sigh...

Anyway, have a great weekend!

Rainy Rhythms...

2006-10-25T20:17:00.000+08:00

"Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain...Telling me just what a fool I've been..."

Mr Blanko made me laugh so hard today. Although you didn't mean to do so, heck, thanks a million, buddy!

You know that you have a weird day going for you when after so thoughtful (or so I thought) a consideration of potential weather hazards, I still managed to get myself utterly drenched. In the midst of it all, I kinda thought it was all a little funny and started to smile to myself which made me realize (after a little while) that even as I thought the day was weird, others thought I was even weirder...Oh well...I had fun.

You know, there's just something really calming about walking in the rain. I don't know about you but I used to love getting caught in the rain. I recall a time in my teens (macam lah aku tua sangat...) when we used to stay behind in school on Fridays for "CCA". Uhuh. Yup. It was definitely "just for CCA". Anyway, on Fridays, the Muslim dudes are supposed to be off to the mosque. There would naturally be some of the more ass-headed ones but those would usually steer clear of my budz and me (erm, we had a slight rep for being a little on the "garang" side and one friend in particular, was infamous for her very public putdown of any asshead who behaves like one. Seriously, one day, I'd give you a glimpse of my teenhood...It's, erm, it's a teenhood thing...) Well anyway, on one such fine Friday, there was this glorious downpour and yup yup, first thing we did, danced wildly in the rain. Erm, ok so "dance" may not quite be the word to use...We just jumped around and splashed water here there and everywhere...

It was all perfect but we forgot this one tiny detail - we had gotten tickets for this movie screening in school which was to be held in one of the North-pole-like lecture theatres...(Singapore has a bizarre obsession with keeping "cool"...Cold isn't cool.) So, yeah...we, the idiots of Singapore, proceeded to the venue, dripping wet and freezing cold...sat through the show...Now, I can't even recall the show and why is that? Oh duh...I was too busy trying not to pee and thinking warm thoughts so I don't turn into an icicle...So erm, needless to say, I lost my voice and caught a fever which meant that I had a fantastic weekend...

Movie ticket - $2.50 (cheapo LT version what...)
Doctor's medical fee - $25.00
Scolding from mum - Endless. (or so it seemed)
Memories - Priceless.

BYE!

Sleepyhead

2006-10-24T14:44:00.000+08:00

Hey folks. Hope the day's going well for you.

I've been super tired. As it is, I'm still awaiting visitors...I'm just super dazed already lah by now...

Not so great news: Colleague cum friend was involved in an accident. She's currently in NUH. I think I might go a-visiting. Her little sons and husband must be worried sick. Insya Allah, everything will be ok.

On another note: It has finally occurred to me that I might need to reevaluate my priorities. Plus, I think Ego's gotta eat humble pie. Ego: You stopped being cool eons ago so time to say goodbye. (Darn, but it's just sooooo hard...)

Anyway, for now I got to go take care of Ego. Till whenever, tata!

Oh, and Selamat Menyambut Hari Raya Aidilfitri and take care whoever, wherever you are.

suasana hari raya

2006-10-22T14:37:00.000+08:00

Burnt fingers, hardened melted chocs, double layers and funny stories: That pretty much sums up my one and only kuih-making experience for this year.

Hehehe...I really miss my old place...

I used to have time to do all the funny things people do whenever Eid comes along...including:

1. House decorating and erm, in my family of wannabe-decorators, everyone's gotta have a say...and it used to get a little insane...

2. Cookie-making: Ok, let me make it crystal clear right now - I DO NOT ENJOY BUTTER. The smell alone makes me wanna puke. So, cookie-making used to be a stomach-churning experience for me...Kuih Tat is by far, the worst...gua tak leh angkat beb...

3. Mad, frantic rush for clothes: Frankly, I'm a lot simpler than sibs...Just throw on any baju kurung used to be fine plus Mummy used to do the getting of clothes. Now, I got to do it myself and the yah...shoots...

4. Baju kena burnt: In my family, for years, it has been a tradition for someone to burn a hole in their baju raya almost every year...I don't even know whether to be proud of it or not? Please, this tradition's got to end...

Guess, there should be many other things lah but anyway, what I'm trying to get at is that, you know, it really doesn't matter? I guess it's kinda fun to do the things we do but to get it confused with religion is a whole other thing...Simplicity should always be the key, shouldn't it?

This is real stupid but we waste a heck of a lot during "festive" occasions when there is actually absolutely NO NEED for it. It's just all very silly. I think the best Hari Raya would be for my whole family to just get together and hang out as we used to do...The things we used to do were fun, not because we had to do it for Eid but because, we did it together, as a family. And I miss that. I just miss my family.

I miss the whole ketupat making thing when all the kids and Dad used to make ketupats...and the older ladies used to fill them up with the rice...The whole lighting up thing would be a family affair...I miss the craziness of getting a cab coz we could never fit into just one cab...I really miss my family...

I hope this raya will bring us closer - closer to each other and closer to Allah. I have a promise made to myself and I'm willing myself to stick to it. I don't know if I will but I will try to. Insya Allah.

colours...

2006-10-22T11:16:00.000+08:00

I'm telling you it's all in the colours...

I love colours. They make me happy. I feel a certain sense of freshness when I see happy doopy colours. But of course, got to be tastefully done lah...Otherwise, apa seh...nonsense only...

By the way, remember me telling me not to go Geylang? I did it again and no, not going to complain about it because gatal sendiri. So, serves you right, Crappie. But, there was a moment that was kinda cool. We (Yes, I was not alone in my gatal-tak-serik-serik moment and I am not talking about my other self) had to go over this overhead bridge which no one else seem to use coz jaywalking was much preferred by most but since I still value my life and am generally a stickler for propriety or at least I try to be...erm...too much digression, what was I talking about? Oh yeah...I mean, we used the overhead bridge, the one at Haig Road...we kinda stopped at the corner of it for a moment to just watch people...That was kinda fun coz you see so many people from all walks of life doing their own thing and it's just amazing to see how so many different lives converged in that one moment. It's like, you're really, really just one of millions of others...It's just incredible, do you get it? Anyway, we kinda thought if Amazing Race wanted a challenge, they should try out Geylang Bazaar as a potential spot.

Whatever it is, I was glad to be on my way home. Phew, I survived Geylang part deux.

On another note, I want to do more with my life.

But, I Do Have A Heart...

2006-10-21T15:32:00.000+08:00

Feeling a little reflective:

Classics

2006-10-21T14:50:00.000+08:00

Ever since I was a kid, I had been weaned on old songs be it English, Hindi or Malay. The main point is they got to be old. Hence, I've always been a lot less than "hip" in my song preferences. Anyway, I found this clip on youtube of one of my favourite old songs from one of my favourite b/w films - Musang Berjanggut.

Here goes:

Gift

2006-10-21T09:47:00.000+08:00

Have you ever got ever gotten a gift you'd rather return?

I just did. The thing is, I got me that "gift". (Yes, I do give myself gifts. It's a dual personality thing.) Hmm..never mind, I'd stick by it. Through thick or thin. Thanks for the gift. :OP

Anyway, I've been sneezing all morning. It's real annoying.

Goodness, raya's on Tuesday. As much as I would love to leave my room as it is, I can't coz my relatives are all coming over on the first day. And my room's getting converted into an extra living room. Great.

It's in a super duper mess. It's incredible to see the amount of junk I've accumulated over the years. I'm so blardy screwed lah. How to clean, sia?

Btw, yesterday was a little insane. Kids cried and cried. Macam kesian gitu. I really don't like system ni. Apa merepek seh?

Kiddos, I know I've been an absolute b**** to you folks. (You really, really know how to put my blood in a kettle over a fire.) That doesn't mean I don't like you. I just think you need some major growing up to do. I know the results are crappy but you know what, the way some of you have reacted made me real proud and I'm kinda glad that you got the results that you did. I only hope you know what to do next year. Don't repeat the same mistakes. (Make new ones, hehehe...no, you don't if you can help it.) Strangely, things will work out for the best. Trust that.

See lah...talking to non-existent kiddos again. They oso won't read this. Takpe lah...

But honestly, part of me feels so responsible for their plight. I'm just feeling like crap. So now, innercrap's feeling rather outercrapped. Or rather, all-crapped-out. Macam tak fair gitu.

I guess I need to remind me that there is a silver lining to all that has happened. In a way, it's also a "gift" of sorts.

Enough of my mish-mash of nonsense.

hmmm....

2006-10-19T19:32:00.000+08:00

"IT IS A SERIOUS INJURY. IT'S BLEEDING ALL OVER. IT IS A SERIOUS INJURY!!!" (some kid who will come to understand how serious injuries can be if he continues with his screams. Look buster, don't make me give you a real reason to scream. !#*@(*#&!!!)

Sabar, loon, sabar...rilek one corner eh...Breathe in, Breathe out...There you go....

Okie dokie. I'm cheery now.

I feel like doing a list. Tapi, list apa eh? Shopping list? Merbahaya... Apa eh?

Ok, while figuring out lists...I got "tango" wafers. Why tango? Because I don't like waltzing. I don't like cha-cha. I don't like salsa. I don't like - eh, wait a minute...I just don't like dancing. I don't like tango either for that matter. Oh well.

I did something stoopid again. Actually, it's so stoopid that I forgot what I did. I forget the stupid things I do so that I can always remember how smart I am. Delusional? I know lah but what to do? Must stay sane, right?

Anyway, kiddos took it better than expected. But then again, they're also delusional. Hehehe...world's just freaking full of the disillusioned, delusionals and illusions. Eh, eh...I like...The DDI...

Anyway, I still need to take a crap.

One other thing: If someone were to be peeping over a wall, they cd prolly look like -
d..b the beady eyed burglar...
d--b the slitty one...
dvvb the haugthy one...
doob the eye rolling one who's about to faint or get possessed...

That was fun. BYE!

XXV

2006-10-19T03:24:00.000+08:00

Great.

On another note, I so need to take a crap.

make it a quarter

2006-10-18T20:34:00.000+08:00

In several hours, I will officially be on my way to thirty. No more rounding down. No such thing. It's all up, up and away...

Seram seh.

Pejam celik, pejam celik, daaaahhh besar si budak tu...tak lama lagik, daaaaaaahhhh kahwin - typical, makcikfied response to any aging process of "the young ones".

Frankly, it's quite unnerving to note that I have well, and truly been forced to grow up. There is no such thing as pretending to be a teenager anymore. I'm grown up and it's freakishly scary.

Kinda makes u go back in time....so let's rewind now, shall we?

I remember my first memory: A freakishly cold bath. I think I had measles so some folks gave me an ice bath. So cold.

I remember wafer biscuits: Mum gave it to fren and I took it from him coz I was a brat. I got scolding. :O(

I remember ramadhan: Hehehe...curi kuih....

I remember guitar: "Lagu tiga kupang...saku penuh padi..." - Malay version of "Sing a song of sixpence"....it sounded cooler too...

I remember red-indian-ballerina: first drawing my pal taught me

I remember recorder: I sucked. Initially. :OP

I remember cartoons, toys and everything else: "I don't want to grow up, I'm a toys 'r' us kid"

I remember hopscotch, dog and bone and midnight sports: Aunt got super mad coz of chalky hopscotch and we got into trouble. Oops.

I remember syrup out of the window: "MOMMY! SOMEONE SPILLED SYRUP ON MY SHIRT! (downstairs neighbour)"...Erm...Did I do that?

I remember cats: Comel, Baby Candice, Mr Brown and Combi....

And dogs: "the yelping neighbour", the three legged Diamond, the gila-make-me-climb-monkey-bar one (that would never have happened had it not been for the dog) and how can i forget? the non-existent one that caused my bike to do a flip.

I also remember tears: Parents fought, Sis got into trouble, Bro and his temper...

And fears: PSLE, O-levels, A-levels, exams, stage fright, lost watch, religious teacher with cane, hospitals...

I remember guilt: Broke the vase, cut own hair etc.

I remember laughter: Asia Bagus the kiddy version, the cookie thing, karaoke after ngaji (don't ask) etc.

I remember death: Aunt, Uncle, friends...

I guess, there are millions of memories more to go...I've only just about scratched the surface of my childhood memories...Don't get me started on teenhood....That's just bizarre...

Things have really changed. Yet, I don't think I've really changed all that much at all. Funny.

BYE!

Cut-Loose

2006-10-18T05:34:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, you just got to cut them loose.

I still believe everything's going to be for the best. I believe so.

Gosh...I dread tomorrow.

Run, Forrest, Run

2006-10-17T05:31:00.000+08:00

Felt horrible at the end of yesterday.

There's just something really wrong with the system. What are we trying to do? What is our job? Do we consider the child's future or our own performance at the end of it all? Is that what it has come to? It's sick. I'm sick of it.

"Teaching is a noble profession." Whatever, man, whatever.

My heart's not in it anymore. Correction, do I have one left? Hmmmm....

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get.

Unbearable Lightness of Being (in Geylang)

2006-10-15T01:06:00.000+08:00

Today...full, full day...Did many, many things...

Had my class, fingers pain..fish head curry, he's really kaypoh...never mind...

Oooh, visited a friend who gave birth. So cute the little thing...I like her...Hence, managed to catch up with long-lost buddies, I MISSED THEM!! Went over to fren's place for asar...realized that we lead freakishly similar lives albeit in totally contrasting ways...It's hard to explain but we keep doing things as if we planned it together but we actually make such decisions separately...We'd do it in different ways but somehow our paths will cross and we realize we're doing the same thing...It's just freaky, but in a good way...Hehehe..

Afterwhich, managed to get my qiji popiah for buka plus some weirdo fries from NY Pizza - Pedas gilerr....Should have come with a warning label....Erm, somehow, we figured that it'd be a brilliant idea to go to Geylang since it's not quite last ten days yet so still got time lah...Masih tak serik-serik...

Last year, we went Geylang, we wound up complaining about why we stepped into the place to begin with. Previous year, same thing. Previous, previous year, ditto. And that goes for all other previous years. This year, cripes...I cannot tahan the place...No wonder I told myself not to step into Geylang bazaar last year. It makes a lot of sense. Sheesh, those fries pushed every ounce of logic I may have had left out of my brain...Stooopid idea. Anyway, cannot tahan the place lah. Too crowded. Too noisy. Too everything. But, thankfully, my friends were there and if anything, I guess the whole experience was worth the while because we got to spend time with each other. I do miss them.

Sigh...remind me not to go Geylang again, ok?

(PS. I got new watch....It has been like what? 5 years since my last one? Hehehe...I like it...hehehe...)

bittersweet symphony

2006-10-14T05:38:00.000+08:00

I am not going to like the coming tuesday very much. I will not enjoy the 17th of October. In fact, I'm probably going to hate the 19th even more. Heck, even the 18th's going to feel rather horrible. That would mean that I'm going to have a very sad turning-a-quarter-century day.

I never realized I could potentially have that much impact on a person's life. It's like having power over someone. As much as it may sound "super-cool", I just feel rather fearful and I wish I didn't have it. I feel like a coward and you know what? I guess I am. It has made me realize the errors of what I do and the pending consequences of my actions. I hate this. I don't mind bearing the brunt of my mistakes but I would never wish another to do so. It's just unfair.

No sorries will work. No regrets are worth the while.

I will not know how to face them on wednesday. I'm ecstatic for most because they have achieved what they sought to do. I'm worried - Worried to the depths of my being about the others. I love them dearly and this is not the way I want to see or let them go.

At this point, I'm simply taking comfort in the knowledge that Allah knows best. It is He who has gotten it all figured out. I just got to trust that. Allah knows best hence, no matter what happens, it will be for the best. Insya Allah.

Take care, dearies. Whatever happens, it will be for the best. Trust that.

Gosh, I am getting rather emo these days...aren't I?

2006-10-11T20:49:00.000+08:00

I had a good bad day. Or should I say bad good day? I don't know. Anyway, I'm just forgetting about the bad and concentrating on the good...

Kiddos were sweet. 'Nuff said.

Anyway, moving on to something that has bugged me for a while...

Suria Raya Carnival. WHAT THE )@*#$)*$*@#()*#@)*#!!!!??@@!!

I'm sorry lah but there's just something wrong about performances during the nites of ramadhan. And they're upping it during the last ten days or so? To get into the mooood....Wa tak bleh angkat....

And the blardy commercial for the thing?! "Mengeratkan hubungan antara anak dan bapa?!" Flying Fish Fingers...Never mind. Mebbe it does work. I dunno. Whatever it is, it feels rather wrong. Is this the Singapore Malay-Muslim that we are to be?

toodles.

heart-to-heart

2006-10-10T21:57:00.000+08:00

I do not wear my heart on my sleeve.

I'm not one of those who express my feelings very well. In fact, I'm one of those crackpots who wind up being perceived as being rather indifferent and altogether - bo-chap. I mean, you can't blame them considering that my parting shot to a sibling who was going off amidst bucketloads of tears was "good riddance coz i got your room." (or something to that effect. it got me into a teeny weeny bit of trouble...hehehe...)

Anyway, it's really not that I don't care. It's just that I choose not to show it.

Ok, I've not gone bizarre. (hmmm....) It's just that I gave them kiddos something today which kinda surprised them to a certain extent. Hehehe...life is so full of surprises...anyhow, I can't help thinking about how these kiddos' feelings towards me are so bloody different from another set of kiddos. But then again, these kiddos started out hating me. To the core. Hehehe...funny...I really don't know whether it's me who got used to them or is it actually the other way round?

Anyhow, let me just get to the point lah...since I'm quite safely anonymous here so the kiddos can't read this, here goes -

"My dear darling kiddos, I'm gonna miss you BIG TIME. I wish I had been better at my job. To be honest, I think I must have screwed up like a lot a lot of times...I'm sure you've seen it and you know it. I could not have asked for a better bunch of kiddos and I'm so darn thankful I got you. I do love you very, very much and I care about you from the bottom of my nonsensically beaten heart. I honestly hope you find your own happiness in life and I cannot begin to thank you for giving me the chance to learn. You have been more than what a tutor can be. If anything, you are the wind beneath my wings. Things will be so strange when you're gone and I'm going to miss you even more when the full impact of your absence hits me.

'I guess there's only one problem left,' (King Triton)
'What is that, Your Majesty?' (Sebastian)
'How much I'm going to miss her(them).' (King Triton)

I got to let you go some time, right? Take care."

Sheesh...emo siak....

Holier-Than-Thou

2006-10-10T06:19:00.000+08:00

Hmmm...I heard FD happily announcing that India has banned children from being used as labour in homes...Or something to that effect. He even said that "that's good news for the children in India." Ok. Erm, I get it. I love kids and I hate seeing how they're and have been mistreated. It's sad and the thing is most troubled adults become so because of troubled childhood periods. However, I can't help thinking, is it really good news?

I mean, I know that the kids need to be protected by law against such practices but ever considered the fact that by not allowing them to do so, it would mean that the family would be cut off from a source of their income. I'm pretty certain the kids are not domestic helpers by choice. That would mean that they kinda need the income, don't they? Now, when we deprive them of that income, what will they do? Seriously, I hope that besides simply putting the ban in place, the authorities would find a way to help these children and their family find alternative forms of income. Otherwise, the situation will simply worsen whereby kids do it on the sly, which makes them even more prone to being abused by those who "hired" them. What may be worse is that these kids might find themselves pushed into the criminal world(God forbid!). So, are we really helping them?

I can't help thinking that we, in our "developed" countries think of situations from our own perspectives without taking into consideration the needs of others. It's the White Man's Burden all over again. It's just that it's no longer just the ang-moh.

It kinda hurts to know kids are being abused as such but I think it's more than just a problem of the kids. It's a societal problem. It's the poverty cycle that needs to be broken. Honestly, I don't know what to do either. I hope the ban's not just a way of shutting detractors up but a genuine attempt to help and I honestly hope it would really, really help.

I really do.

Lambat Setapak (Make that a few tapaks)

2006-10-09T16:14:00.000+08:00

Do you get the feeling that you're a teensy weensy bit behind time at times? Make that most times. Screw that. Make that, erm...like waaayyy behind time, like all the time? Hmmm...

Honestly, I feel that way. Don't get me wrong. I'm contented with whatever life has presented to me. I have been blessed in too many ways to feel unhappy or disgruntled. It's just that I feel as though I'm kinda left behind...

Ok, this is going to sound so pukingly pathetic but here goes nothing:

My folks...they kinda got me pretty late...Like a decade after my other sibling(s) which meant that they grew up a lot earlier than I did. I was perpetually trying to "catch up" with them but heck, it just doesn't quite work that way. Even now, when I'm supposed to be an adult, just like them, I feel that the gap between us has grown so much. I love them very much and I have no doubt that they feel the same way about me however, there's a gap there that's just so hard to fill...

Among friends, I've always been the "last-to-most-things"....yeah, I get it...I'm s-l-o-w but just shut up and hear me out (or rather, read me out?) Ok, I get it, partly it's due to my bloody antisocialness as a kid. Come on, I just don't do the let's play catching downstairs thing...I hate catching. I hate police and thief. I hate hide-and-seek. Hence, I chose not to participate in most of such activities. Give me scrabble, any day of the week and I'd beat the hell out of you. (either that or I will cry and wail and you'd have to give in to me anyway. so there.) Anyway, ok, fine...guess that would explain part of the reason why I'm a little behind time but hey...I did a lot of catching up already ok...Like even though it took me almost a quarter of a century to put on a skirt, I DID!! SO THERE!!!

Anyway, I'm obviously digressing...My point is, no matter how much I try to keep up with things, I just kinda flounder and it's getting ridiculous. To be honest, I don't really want to "keep up" anymore. I just want to rilek-one-korner...but somehow this place is not allowing me to sit on my bum...I really need to get away, you know? Never mind..

Ok, mindless rambling finito.

Game over.

Scaredy Cat

2006-10-08T16:26:00.000+08:00

I like cats. Actually, I like dogs too just that the whole touching them's a little bit of a problem but anyhow, I do like the furry things..

Anyway, here's a clip I got off youtube...So damn bloody cute...

Beautiful Sunday

2006-10-08T11:41:00.000+08:00

My, my, my beautiful Sunday....
This is my, my, my beautiful day...
When you say, say, say, say that you love me...
Oh~ my, my, my, it's a beautiful day...

GOOD MORNING, CYBERWORLD!!!

Ok lah..not quite early in the morning...but GOOD MORNING!!!

I'm a bit the zoinked at the moment. Had too much sleep, me thinks so everything's a little hazy. (or is that the air conditions?) Anyway, I'm still yawning as I type this. This feels like such a super duper lazy sunday...

Anyway, yesterday's break fasting experience was a little bit more elaborate coz all my little twerps (read: brother's offspring) along with the rest of the family came over. That littlest shortfry's damn cute lah...I want to bite that boy...Sigh, now I'm missing my other, even tinier, shortier little twerp...Oh well...

Anyway, what better way to start the morning than to talk about the fact that I'm super screwed coz I've not finished a whole lot of my work...And the most bizarre part of it all? I don't give a flying fish...(Fasting month, cannot say expletives)..which is ultra weird lah...considering that I'm one of the most super kanchiong, gabra-nak-mampos, highly neurotic and all-in-all just a simple nervous-wreck-next-door....I'm sure that the only way to explain this would be that I'm probably still in denial...Just wait...just you wait when the clock hits the witching hour of midnite...Then, I would be at my normal best. Until then, let me bask in my little dreamworld...

Well, see ya! (Probably, very soon.)

tee hee

2006-10-07T19:56:00.000+08:00

okay. this i gotta share with you before anything else - he's cute. hehehe...

saturdays seem more fun now. ;OP

Ok. Main entry -

Let's see here...I'm crazy about books. Ok, I am crazy about a lot of things but books form quite a major part of my insanity. I kinda like almost anything and everything unless it's really, really boring (surprisingly, dictionaries are NOT boring). Anyway, my point is, there's this author who goes by the name of Harun Yahya. He's got really good books with some amazing information about almost anything...from ancient Mt Vesuvius to the Knights Templar and even an ant...He's got them all. I highly recommend his "Perished Nations". Uber-cool.

The thing is, his writings kinda make me wonder and stand in awe of all that're around me. It's incredibly eye-opening, thought-provoking, humbling and sigh...I can't even attempt to explain myself...It's just...sigh...

I've been reading a lot, as you can tell. It's my way of diverting attention away from work. Some call it a hobby. I just call it a diversion. A nice diversion. Which brings us back to my Saturdays. Yet another nice diversion. ;OP

Adios!

gee

2006-10-05T20:12:00.000+08:00

Well, let's see here...

I don't really have much to write, which translates into...this will be a very long entry...

It seems as though I've been getting one too many job offers. I am not complaining...I mean, it is most definitely a good thing...It's just that it kinda makes me think...Is my unhappiness at this present moment so incredibly evident that folks all around me are able to sense it and thus try to "ease" my situations by offering me jobs?

Actually, what is it that makes me so unhappy anyway?

Truth be told, there are certain times when I realize that part of me just belongs where I am. I love the folks I deal with and I care deeply about most of them. However, as time goes by, I grow increasingly distant and I don't seem to quite care anymore at times and that scares me. My strength used to lie in my ability to relate and communicate with the folks. However, it is becoming increasingly evident that that strength is growing rather wearisome and my true "ability" seem to be the manner through which I execute the material. I have become a professional in that respect. With that, I'm losing those rough edges that helped me to connect with people..I feel rather robotic...

Perhaps, that could be the problem. Needless to say, I'm quite emo lah...Don't get me wrong. I'm not the cry-me-a-river kind...I just need to feel when I do things...It's like when I write or read or whatever, I need to feel what I do...I loved my job because I used to feel a lot for it...Nowadays, I'm just so exhausted that the only feeling I have is weariness. I'm becoming desensitized and that scares me, though some think that that's actually a positive development...Aargghhh...

Another part of me just feels overused. I feel trapped. It feels as if I've been walled into a tiny corner with no way in or out. It's so infuriating and I..I just don't quite know how to explain it...

Perhaps, it's not just the job. Perhaps, it's also about me finding me. I don't quite know where I'm headed at the moment. I just feel myself being forced to ride the waves...I'm trying to figure things out but before I can, I wind up drowning...It keeps happening over and over again...I need something...I don't know what it is but there is something that's missing here...I feel as if I'm on the verge of finding something but I've still yet to grasp it. Perhaps, I'm not ready enough and thus I've not found it yet...but...I honestly don't know how or what exactly am I preparing for??? Am I supposed to be preparing for something anyway???

I don't know...I just don't know.

Anyway, I walked down Orchard Road today. I "missed" my bus stop. Honestly, I don't like O.R. I think it's just too crowded but heck...Come to think of it, I don't like most places. I like being the bookworm and I miss being one. Oh well.

Anyway, take care.

Part of MY world

2006-10-04T06:31:00.000+08:00

WOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mermaid's back!Mermaid's back!Mermaid's back!Mermaid's back!Mermaid's back!

Okok...erm...ehem...My favourite disney cartoon of all time has been released!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOOOOOPIEEEE!!!!!!

Here's a trailer to help you recall those good old days....

for the low bandwidth folks aka normal people...

Add the The Little Mermaid trailer to your site at http://www.LittleMermaidDVD.com

for the snotty high bandwidth folks...

Add the The Little Mermaid trailer to your site at http://www.LittleMermaidDVD.com

Humour

2006-10-03T18:54:00.000+08:00

Sementara tunggu waktu berbuka, aku buang tebiat sikit eh....

To all lovelorn male fans of Siti, I'm sure you share the songwriter's feelings...my deepest sympathies to all of you...

For the other non-Siti fans, perhaps a little bit of Homer might help?

Selamat Berbuka!

Nostalgia

2006-10-02T20:45:00.000+08:00

Aku tengah feeling feeling nostalgia...

Anyhow, just feel like posting a couple of songs I used to love waaaayyyy back when I was a kid...Too bad I can't find the Paddle Pop song or the Toys R Us commercial song...

Kermit and his Rainbow Connection...
(So sweet the song...also reminds me of a not-so-long ago time in an idyllic little village which was almost by the sea...)

Ernie & the Moon!!!!
I LOVE ERNIE!!!!! I am about as annoying as Ernie. Everyone around me turns into a Bert at one time or another...

Dah tuek masih tak sadar diri...ish ish ish...

Mistaken Identity

2006-10-02T19:55:00.000+08:00

Ok. Get this straight, here and now. I am, a true-blue Asian in every sense of the word. There is no African blood in me whatsoever. Not Nigeria. Not Ghana. Not Somalia. Not even South Africa (where the Malays are supposed to band together happily). I am very much, according to my Identity Card - MALAY. Whether I feel I am one or not does not matter. The state recognizes me as Malay. I enjoy the "perks" of being Malay (eg. school fees no have...can be part of Mendaki...BIG privilege, ok? don't play play)...Whatever lah..bottom line is...just because you can't figure out my ethnic background, don't assume that I must be alien to the country. I am Singaporean. I am Asian. I am Malay.

In case you're wondering why I suddenly went a little ballistic, I had a weirdo experience. Some dude tried to chat me up using my rather confused features as a starting point to the "conversation". Now, there are a few things that were wrong with the situation. Let me explain.

1. I am sick and tired of trying to explain my mixed up background. Especially when it comes to total strangers whom I have absolutely no interest in talking to whatsoever.
2. I was marking. I was doing work. It's not often that I do work. So when I'm doing it, that means that I'm both desperate as well as extraordinarily hardworking for the day. Now, that day doesn't come often so I got to SEIZE EVERY MOMENT! Thanks to your brainless chatter, I lost those precious moments. (Digress...Do you have any idea how friggin expensive those precious moments stuff are????)
3. I am anti-social. I am, to a certain extent, androphobic. I do not talk to male strangers. I do not like them very much. Hell, I don't even like those I know much, what more stranger folks trying to make conversation at a bus stop.
4. Never ask a girl for her age.
5. If you're dumb enough to have overlooked Point No. 4, don't push the girl for it if she's obviously hesitant. When a girl says something like, "I'm really old," when in fact she sure as hell doesn't look it (though she might feel it), she's either a Dr Woffles Wu's number 2 patient (after Dick Lee) or she's telling you to shut up and back off. I can assure you that the closest thing to a Woffles I know would be waffles, and I don't like them much.
5. I only smile and speak to FEMALES and known folks like colleagues, friends etc. The most I would say to a friggin non-female would be sorry, coz perhaps I poked his fats with my stuff as I scramble up buses.

Actually, there were several other things that bugged me but I'm just too lazy to type them all out.

Funny enough, as I'm writing this, another thought has entered my brain (yes, I do have one.) - that whole I am a Malay thing. Hmm...the identity...I realize something...as much as I say that I am Malay, others seem to think otherwise. My Malay side of the family thinks I'm not Malay enough...they actually giggle when they realize I listen to Indonesian bands (I have no idea what the humour's about either)...My ML teacher friends insist that I'm not Malay enough either because I'm not as conversant in the language and as much as I enjoy some Malay songs, I kinda draw the line when it comes to those Search and Iklim stuff...I'm so sorry but guys in leather tights will probably never appeal to me. In the same breath, my not-so-Malay but actually Malay-in-denial friends think that I'm too Malay because I don't do the whole club circuit thing...others, who pride themselves on their mixed blood status thinks that I'm not "mixed" enough because I actually accept my "Malay-ness"...

Frig. Who are you to say whether I am enough Malay or not enough Malay. Honestly, what does being Malay mean to you? It really depends on which extreme of the Malay world you're part of. Should you be part of the Malay-Muslim contingent..not wearing the tudung marks you as a "kom-pem" un-Malay. You're looked upon like some kinda pariah by some folks (not all, mind you) and your identity as a Malay-Muslim is questioned. If you belong to the other extreme, not relaking-one-korner at some hip, new club and smoking sheesha marks you as being "conservative" and you're most definitely booted out of the Minah gang. Then you find yourself kinda stuck. Which is how I feel most of the time. Me, not looking particularly Malay at all times, kinda makes things worse.

Honestly, so what if I'm Malay or I'm not? Am I not human? Don't I laugh, smile, cry pretty much like every other human being? I feel just as others feel. I think. I speak. I listen. I am just an ordinary person living my own ordinary life pretty much the way you are. Living in multi-multi Singapore makes it easy AND difficult to be different. The easy bit is that society kinda recognizes the existence of different groups etc. The difficult bit comes about when you don't quite fit into any of the "established" groups. What then?

I would love to say, it doesn't matter. Race doesn't matter. In fact, 5 years back, I would have proclaimed it quite proudly. However, the truth is, it does. Having an identity matters whether we want to or not because identity isn't just about who we want to be but part of it is also about whether others are willing to accept us. Egotistically speaking, it's easy to say so what? I don't need to care about people who care not about me. However, no man is an island. We are all part of one group or another, intentionally or unintentionally.

I've thus come to realize - who you are matters. How others perceive you, matters. How you perceive others, matters. But above all us, it's how you perceive yourself above and beyond others' perceptions that matters most. For as long as you know who you are and where you stand, it doesn't quite matter if others see you as part of them or not because if you know exactly who you are, it will just be a matter of time before your identity is clear to one and all. Henceforth, you'd probably be accepted as the individual that you are with all your eccentricities and interestingly enough, identities will just evolve - yours and others such that you might probably become part of those whom you may have perceived as being different from yourself and vice versa.

Hmmm...I was rambling now, wasn't I? Honestly, if I were to re-read what I wrote, I probably won't understand what I'm trying to say either.

Oh well.

Chewing Gum SHOULD NOT be banned!

2006-10-01T23:20:00.000+08:00

This is a very compelling reason why chewing gum should be allowed to "return" to Singapore -

Hossan Leong

2006-10-01T19:40:00.000+08:00

Seriously, this guy's just bloody talented.

Enjoy!

The "LURVE" files

2006-10-01T11:48:00.000+08:00

Whoopie doo...I'm on a rolll....

Now what is love, I pray thee tell...

How many times can you honestly say you've been in love?
What kinda love are you talking about? If it's material-based, gosh...a zillion times? Like that Nano was such a babe of an MP3 player that I just fell in lurrve - hook, line and sinker. Oh..You mean the people-type?? Ah...Erm..Are my parents counted? Erm...guess not...Ruling out siblings, little nieces/nephews, cuzs, friends, aunties, uncles etc. etc....Erm...BIG FAT ZERO.

Do you believe that everyone has a soulmate?
Erm, to a certain extent though it may not be confined to one. It may not even be a member of the other gender (and I'm not being gay!) I mean, it could simply be a person who understands you so well and could probably read your mind - like a twin or something. You know? In that sense, yeah. Huge possibility.

Do you think that you should become friends with someone first?
Bad, bad question. What do you mean by become friends first? Before what? I mean, I know what you're trying to ask but hell, that just begs to be questioned. Before a relationship? Before marriage? Before sex? Seriously. It's so damn open to interpretation. Let's assume it's the most innocent and "halal" one - marriage. Erm, guess that would be best but you know how life just works in really weird ways and hmmm, the "norm" becomes not so normal anymore? So, I'd just leave that to fate.

Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yeah but it isn't some bgr thing. It's more of getting stabbed deep within your soul when the people you care most about hurt you - be it parents, siblings, friends or sometimes - students (for the teachers out there).

What do you think about long-distance relationships?
What kind of relationship? The married kind? That MUST work. The bgr kind - erm, I think I'd pass. Oh heck lah, i dunno. Sometimes, things just happen and we kinda got to go with the flow right?

Your thoughts on online relationships?
MUAHAHAHHHAHAA...oops, sorry. I mean, if it works for you, cool. I'm, as you probably can tell, a recluse. Anonymity suits me too well to desire a relationship. You can have it.

Would you rather date someone five years older or five years younger?
No biggie. But the younger bit right, erm...would be a huge NO-NO if it's an ex-student or something...Cannot lah...Just, cannot lah...

Have you ever seen a friend as more than a friend?
Duh. Sometimes, they're more like siblings (whom you get to choose). Okok, I get it...Honestly, hmm, ok..I see the person as a friend but I have more-than-friendly feelings about him.

Do you believe the statement, "Once a cheater always a cheater"?
Nope, but I do think that a leopard might find it very difficult to change his spots. He would really need to have changed, like for real and it would take more than just some girl. It would be faith. (Girls might wish they are the source of change but let's face it honey, get your head out of that cloud and come back down to Earth, pronto!)

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt & you cried?
Hmmm, I thought I did "love" the person but seriously, it was all just a crush and it's rather embarassing to admit that I cried over a friggin' crush.

How many kids do you want to have?
Whatever the number Allah deems I should have.

Is there someone who you like at the moment?
BUT, OF COURSE! I LIKE ME!!! okok, argh...why do I put myself through this...hmm...erm, uhuh but I'm honestly trying to get over it. (No, he is not married nor gay nor anything of the sort. I just got to get over it and I guess I'd tell you some day but for now, let it be a for-me-to-know, for-you-to-speculate.)

Do you usually fall for a wrong guy/girl or the right guy/girl?
What is wrong or right anyway? Anyway, I try not to fall in love. I'm not philo-phobic(if such a word exists) or androphobic. It's just not the time. I hope that by the time I do, it'd be the right guy. I'm not into the whole make-up-break-up thing.

What is your favorite color?
Somewhere over the rainbow...Anything lah..Changes with the mood...I do have an alter-ego, you know?

What are your views on gay marriages?
Perverse. I got nothing against them as human beings. I just do not agree with their actions and choice of lifestyles but I am in no position to tell them what to or not to do. They should know what's right for themselves. Personally, I kinda feel sorry for them. They seem a little lost or at least that's how I see it.

Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Probably. What makes it worse is that they're the ones dearest to me. i.e. my parents etc.

Have you ever given or been given roses?
Hahaha..yeah, but it's not how you would normally perceive the giving of roses...It's an act of love alright, just not the kind you probably had in mind...Hehehhee...

Are you the one who makes the move or do you wait for them to make the move?
Of course I'm the one who waits. I'm lazy, what.

What is your all time favorite romance movie?
Little Mermaid! Ok, I just like the songs. Erm, LOTR's not exactly a love story, eh? Oh...Sepet and Gubra. Especially, the story bout the religious guy and his wife in Gubra. Real sweet.

Imagine you're 79 & your spouse just died, would you remarry after they died & you were married for 60 years?
I don't know because sometimes circumstances might require us to do things we might not ordinarily do but as of now, I hope I will not. I would like to see my husband again in the afterlife.

At what age did you start noticing the opposite/same sex?
Dunno. Do you know when babies start noticing people and differentiating gender? Your guess is as good as mine.

What song do you want played as you walk down the aisle?
I ain't walking down no aisle.

Are most high school kids infatuated or in love?
Infatuation. Though, most may not recognize it as such.

Who was your first love (like)?
I've yet to find that out.

How long have you loved/liked someone?
Love, erm...for as long as I've lived lah, ok? The crush bit...Ok, admittedly, I crush real bad...So, it usually takes years to get over the thing. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm really over the friggin crush but oh well..

Would you give up everything for love?
For whose love am I doing so? I will, or I hope to be able to do so for Allah swt, though I may not have the strength to do so just yet.

Will your life be incomplete without love?
You're talking about the romantic kind right? That's pretty much a "NO".

What do you notice first in a guy/girl?
Changes from person to person. Depends on what is his/her most outstanding feature.

What do you like most about your crush?
Must you really bring him back into the picture? Hell...His golden heart that's hidden behind a facade of prickly put-downs.

Want to get married?
Part of the sunnah, right?

To?
I would most prefer it to be a male human being. No aliens, please. Other than that, how am I supposed to know?

Last person who hugged you?
Sheesh. This is a toughie. I'm a non-huggy person. Can't recall. My sister, like from months back?

Phew. Glad THAT's over. Sheesh...this interrogating myself thing's quite tough.

Adios.